"“The only difference between a saint and a sinner is every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.” -Oscar Wilde"

"“The only difference between a saint and a sinner is every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.” -Oscar Wilde"
Ever wonder why we are all afraid of the truth? Why we cannot face reality. Is it too harsh? Or are we just chicken? What perspective do we have?
Maybe we were taught to display a facade. This is acceptable, this is not... Labeling things as good or bad. Whatever the case, I am over it!
I am a compassionate person. I treat people as I want to be treated. I strive to be Drama-free. Whether at work, with friends or family. Now, family is the toughest. everyone is always pushing their agenda.
I want to foster a belief in self! Loving self, and being truthful to self first. For then I am able to give the best to my partner, my friends and coworkers. If I belive in me, then others will believe in me too. And trust in my companionship.
I am an open book. I have not always been. But I strive to be, so that others may see my mistakes and learn, and not have to make the same mistakes I've made. Timing is important as well. We all get so wrapped up in life. Who has time? We only have time for what we make time for!
Life is precious, so use it wisely. Adventure, Love, share and grow! Spend time with the ones who mean the most to you and enjoy the things you love to do...
Do I fit a label? God I hope not! So sinner... yes I am sure I am some days... Saint... Not today, tomorrow or ever if I can help it!
I hope tomorrow I have more perspective on life than I do today!
Peace...
AL

Life Lessons 101

Thursday I hurt my back at work... so I have not been moving too fast , has given me the past two days to think... I'm Tired! Not like physically...
It's more a drained feeling, a feeling that people bring... Or maybe that we do to ourselves. I try to always be the listener, try to be the friend, to be the objective one, the neutral one. I am learning as I get older it can be tougher than I thought. So I have tried to be more of a "call it as I see it" kinda guy. This seems to work best for me, as people know where they stand and I am not left holding feelings that I dislike. But I also am learning there is no loyalty in the world anymore. Almost no one commits to friendships or relationships anymore. Instead it is a dog eat dog world where whatever gets "my way" or "what I want" the easiest, always wins. Rationale is thrown to the wind.
I always love making new friends, online, at work, goin out, wherever we can. But I guess I am learning as I age that quality is better than quantity. I want friends I can hang with, be 100% honest with... tell the truth to, even if it hurts at the moment. I consider myself one of the REAL people in the world, and I am making a vow to stop having converstaions about anything that is not real. The "what if's" and the "I heard" crap is over! If you are going to tell me about your life, expect to hear what I think in return, based on my life's experience. If you don't wanna hear, don't talk to me! With friendship comes trust, if you cannot trust me, then don't. I don't ever want to "let anyone down". I am not that kind of person!
I am just AL... Been through hell... Abuse as a kid, pain that left scars, loved and lost, married and divorced, lived in other countries, seen other cultures, put my heart and soul into the the things I love whether work, relationship or friendships. I have watched the dearest person in my life die in front of me, held the hand of dying persons because their families were such cowards they could not face being with the child, brother or friend that they once loved!!! So as you see, when petty things come to the table, I may not be the most sympathetic.
When life kicks you in the gut, maybe that's the time to grab it by the nuts, look it in the eye and let it know, you are bigger than any problem that comes along! The more I think on it, I realise, there are so many times I should have just given up according to society rules. But who says society knows what is best for us all? Usually that thought process is plagued with idealism and political hoohah! I am more about seeing life as it really is, talking about how we really feel and just being honest...
Having said all this... I am looking into 2007 with a promise to be even more to true to myself. To focus more on what makes me happy, on what I feel is good for me and my relationship with the incredible and amazing man that I share life with! Thanks much to him, I believe in myself much more today than ever before!!!
Peace be to you all!
AL

Father Time...

A summer has come and gone... my how time flies when you are havin fun! As I look back over the past few months, I am amazed how it has flown by.
We have been on a wonderful adventure. One that continues, and that makes me happy from the heart! Yes, I am sure I am a bit chunkier that I was... I am certain there is more gray in my beard. I am starting to have those things people call laugh lines.. or crows feet. That does not make me happy. But what's a guy to do...

My kids moved 2000 plus miles away this summer. Kinda bittersweet event. I know their life is improving, but it sux it had to be so far away. My daughter turns 16 in less than 2 months. My son has a deep voice and is a tall 14 yr old. Today I saw a baby toddling away from his mother, giggles errupting from his cheeks. I thought to myself... Where did all those years go?
We rush so much.. have so many things to do... Add it to the calendar, a reminder in the palm pilot. Schedule time to see family or friends, for if it is not "booked" then we end up "booked".
I love adventure, but I realise today that each day takes more to accomplish than the last. My body tells me it has wears and tears. Stress invades and rest eludes us. Holidays coming.. one must plan around everyone's schedule. So wanting to do special things for my children, but not really being able to afford it. The mind gets wrestled to and fro over what is the happy medium.

My baby brother, my only sibling turned 30 this past week. We had a great time celebrating with him! I see the gray in his hair and I am reminded, I'm six years his senior. So blessed was the time when my partner and I got time alone, to wonder the streets of the victorian village we were visiting. A slower pace, fall leaves dusting the ground, it was peaceful. I watched as my partner took pictures of the sunlight streaming through bright fall leaves and felt warm inside. Another season passing.. a new one arriving. The seasons of our lives, I am so thrilled and amazed to be sharing these experiences with a man who is a spiritually in tune with life as I! So in awe of the love in my heart for him!

I struggle at times, not sure sometimes why. Seems I try so hard to emulate the person I once was, when I really don't even want to. I feel so many times that I fail miserably at being who I am. Yet when I stop to evalute, I am certain that I am the best version of myself I have ever been. So maybe it's the fine tuning... maybe we sometimes are focused intensely and other times we move through a fog. I believe old habits haunt us, former fears try to re-root. But I am proud to say that with proper communication and the patience shown to me by my soulmate, I move past those fears and move on. Growing as we emerge from the haze.

It saddens my heart, the effects of life I see on those around me. People lost in a daze, losing love, finding themselves in positions of life they never thought they'd face. And I admit Anger sometimes as you hear them admit to playing roulet with destiny/fate! So wanting to lash out at them, to stop hurting themselves and those around them, and at the same time wanting to hold them close as our tears mix soothing the pains of what cannot be changed. Maybe I care too much! Maybe I should say f**k it! But I cannot, my passions will not let me! I beleive life is what we make of it! We all make mistakes and we grow and learn! Or hope to! I want to embrace every day I am given and live it to the fullest! Thank God I have a person in my life who believes in that! Believes in ME!

Work sometimes is stressful. Mine is more on my body... I love what I do! A shame is does not pay better. Buildin my own business seems to move at a snails pace. But I know it can be done! Life has it's ups and downs... I am grateful for the feelings attached to all of them. For in these moments, are when we know we are alive! In our heaven or in our hell... time marches on!

Peace be unto you all!
AL

Projection

So do you ever wonder... Do people see me at all like I see myself? Do I give off energy that is relative to what I feel inside? Do I see in others the things I struggle the hardest with myself?
Do I project? My past into today? Do I project my emotions into a situation that they are not related to? Or onto someone else? Do my fears of looking in my own mirror make me constantly look at others instead of myself?

I am discovering things about myself I have never known. May subconciously I knew them, but never really acknowledged them. Lets face it... I do not know one person who takes criticism well. Whether it be about our work.. or who we are personally. I do not like that about myself.
I want to be honest with people about how I feel. And I want to know if I am doing something that hurts someone. Or that is disrespectful. I never want to try and make others feel i have the answers for them, or judge thier feelings. We all feel what we feel! Did u get that? WE ALL FEEL WHAT WE FEEL! We do not have control of that... but we do control our actions toward others. Maybe we all never learned really good solid manners.
Like:

Don't interupt someone speaking.
or
Never speak out immediately to the person we love when frustrated.

Listen! NO! I mean L I S T E N!!!! Not hear...

There is an art to it... listening with our heart, not our heads.
The head (mind) can be so stubborn. So easily sidetracked.
We can create an agenda without ever meaning to, or sometimes without even knowing it!
Would this be Drama? We like to think we are Drama free.. but are we? OR are we so caught up in our own feelings, in what we percieve as best for us that we create a mountain out of a molehill. Where is the line? Do we cross it too often? When do we remove ourselves from anothers drama? If we are in love with someone, commited to them, are we also commited to their personal issues. I tend to think we are. We either take a person at thier whole value or entire state... or we get part of them.

I want to be whole! I feel like today I am a more pure version of myself than ever! Am I opinionated? God yes... is it ok for me to be? well... yes... but... Is it really good for me to speak my mind always? I dunno... maybe I need to examine my thoughts and my intentions before I spill them all over the place and end up hurting someone. Comparing one person to another... can we? We do.. but not sure that makes it the best observation. None of us are alike. We may have tendancies that are simular. But we are individual in every way. I know how much I hate someone saying I look or act like my dad. GAWD!!! shoot me and save the ones I love that misery! I have learned the person I do NOT want to be... can easily be who I become. I once remember at age 20 trying so hard to not be like someone... that in my own inner drama,that I created... I was becoming the person I detested most! I realized I had to let go... in order for me to not become a stagnant pool of hurt, pain and anger, I decided I must let go... and each and every day I have to learn more about that. Or let it go again...

Sadly the more I think on it, I feel that in real honesty, the things about people that irk me the most are probably what I percieve in myself. OH GAWD theres that mirror! But more importantly for me in the world of other humans...who must share my world...
What do I want to portray?

I personally want to be a person that when I am dead and gone... that people talk amoungst themselves and say... "Knowing this man made me see what truth and honesty can do for me! Knowing the compassion, forgiveness and love shown by this man made we want to be a better man."
I doubt I will ever be wealthy, I doubt I will ever be without enemies, but my prayer each day is to be patient, kind, longsuffering and most importantly loving. If I am able to achieve that.. I will be the richest man on earth! Not in goods... not in possessions... but in peace of mind!

I commited long ago to try doing my very best at everything I do.
I will give compassion to those who sow wrath...
I will give forgiveness even if it is not deserved...
I will speak truth even when it hurts...
And I will love with all my might!

For if I can do these things, I will be the purest version of me that I can be.

I hope if you read this that you don't think it strange... me sharing my personal growth with you here on this blog.

Peace be to you all...
and much love!
AL

Soul Food

THIS IS ONE OF THOSE AMAZING READS THAT CAME FROM A DEAR FRIEND OF MINE. I FELT LED TO SHARE BECAUSE IT SPEAKS FROM THE SOUL... TO THE SOUL....
Once upon a time there was a rich King who had four wives.He loved the 4th wife the most and adorned her with rich robes andtreated her to the finest of delicacies. He gave her nothing but thebest.He also loved the 3rd wife very much and was always showing her off toneighboring kingdoms. However, he feared that one day she would leavehim for another.He also loved his 2nd wife. She was his confidant and was always kind,considerate and patient with him. Whenever the King faced a problem,hecould confide in her, and she would help him get through the difficulttimes.The King's 1st wife was a very loyal partner and had made greatcontributions in maintaining his wealth and kingdom. However, he didnotlove the first wife. Although she loved him deeply, he hardly tooknotice of her!One day, the King fell ill and he knew his time was short. He thoughtofhis luxurious life and wondered, I now have four wives with me, butwhenI die, I'll be all alone."Thus, he asked the 4th wife, "I loved you the most, endowed you withthefinest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying,will you follow me and keep me company?""No way!", replied the 4th wife, and she walked away without anotherword.Her answer cut like a sharp knife right into his heart.The sad King then asked the 3rd wife, "I loved you all my life. NowthatI'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?""No!", replied the 3rd wife. "Life is too good! When you die, I'mgoingto remarry!" His heart sank and turned cold.He then asked the 2nd wife, "I have always turned to you for help andyou've always been there for me. When I die, will you follow me andkeepme company?""I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!", replied the 2nd wife."Atthe very most, I can only walk with you to your grave." Her answerstruck him like a bolt of lightning, and the King was devastated.Then a voice called out: "I'll go with you. I'll follow you no matterwhere you go." The King looked up, and there was his first wife. Shewasvery skinny as she suffered from malnutrition and neglect. Greatlygrieved, the King said, "I should have taken much better care of youwhen I had the chance!"In truth, we all have the 4 wives in our lives:Our 4th wife is our body. No matter how much time and effort we lavishin making it look good, it will leave us when we die.Our 3rd wife is our possessions, status and wealth. When we die, itwillall go to others.Our 2nd wife is our family and friends. No matter how much they havebeen there for us, the furthest they can stay by us is up to thegrave.And our 1st wife is our Soul. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth,power and pleasures of the world. However, our Soul is the only thingthat will follow us wherever we go.Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part ofusthat will continue with usthroughoutEternity.

Coretta Scott King TESTAMENT OF LOVE

Coretta Scott King, 1927-2006 A woman of dignity and quiet strength
For black women, Coretta Scott King was like Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy. Following the assassination of her husband, during days of very public mourning, Mrs. King was a portrait of dignity and quiet strength. At a time when every black American was judged by the behavior of a very few, Mrs. King's grace under pressure made black Americans very proud.

So did her efforts to promote the legacy of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., the mission to which she dedicated the rest of her life. Mrs. King raised millions to build the facility on Auburn Avenue in Atlanta. She called it the Martin Luther King Jr. Center for Non-Violent Social Change.
Mrs. King's greatest triumph was the holiday. She campaigned for it tirelessly, along with celebrities such as Stevie Wonder and Rep. John Conyers, D-Mich., who introduced the bill for a holiday commemorating King a mere four days after his assassination. Fifteen years later, with Coretta Scott King standing next to him, President Reagan signed the law designating the third Monday of every January, near King's Jan. 15 birthday, a federal holiday. By 2000, it was also a state holiday in all 50 states.

Let her legacy be a reminder of the power of Love!!

1: If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
2: And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
3: If I give away all I have, and if I deliver my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
4: Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful;
5: it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
6: it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.
7: Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8: Love never ends; as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.
9: For our knowledge is imperfect and our prophecy is imperfect;
10: but when the perfect comes, the imperfect will pass away.
11: When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish ways.
12: For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall understand fully, even as I have been fully understood.
13: So faith, hope, love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is Love.
I Corinthians 13:1-13

Lets try Love for a change!
Pup

Mirror, Mirror

Each day I marvel at the wonderments of life. Maybe I spend too much time thinking, or maybe I am just a dreamer. But at any rate I feel some of it has validity.

All through our lives we go through stages. So go quickly, others take time. Sometimes I think we get stuck on the plateaus. Maybe due to career, maybe relationships, maybe because of things we deal with from the past. People drift in and out of our lives. Some with more purpose than others, but I am prone to believe all with some cause. It is through these stages that we hopefully learn of ourselves. See the depths and conquer what we fear most, indulge in the dreams, and take the risks that make us grow.

As a person who is “people oriented” I have always cared for others feelings. Maybe too much! So at times this may have slowed my stages of growth. But whether it be my Capricorn personality, my upbringing or a combination of all of those, I care. As time has progressed I have become less caught up in the “what people think of me” and more about just being there for my friends. I think some people are placed in our lives to give us perspective on our own. To help us see where we have been, what may have been a stumbling block for us or where we were stuck.

I have always tried to be an open book for others to see. Giving a view of an evolution that is occurring in our life each day. Will your page turn today? Or will you be on the same page day after day? I feel if someone might learn from my life lessons, it saves them “getting stuck” on that same plateau. See when we are stuck, our growth is stunted. We get comfy, almost lazy in our communication and our view is limited. This is where I once developed the thought “people don’t change”, but now I see that is not true. That perspective came from me being caught in a merry-go-round of life where I was not in control of my own self. I did not “own” my own power. So even though my career grew in that time, other areas suffered. Today I strive to be the “mirror holder”. For if I hold the mirror for those I love to see themselves, to give perspective, someone will hold my mirror for me! And is it so easy when you share love, share life with someone who is capable of doing the same.


You see, when we love someone it takes things from us. Commitment, patience, a willingness to communicate… But, the more important thought is… when love is honest, when love is pure, you cannot out-give the other party! It’s not a contest, it just happens. Like breathing in and breathing out. I am so inspired by the man I love! So fulfilled in sharing life! I said to him this weekend "I am so blessed to have been given time to share in the Love… the life, of another who shares with me the insight of my soul!"

Perspective is a great thing. And I once heard it said that we were meant to see things in hindsight. But, I am not sure I completely agree. Perspective should enlighten us spiritually, emotionally and thus effect us physically and psychologically. If we are able to gain perspective as we pass through a stage, then maybe some of the mistakes would not be as severe. Maybe we wouldn’t have to start over so many times.

I trust you are able to allow the page to turn today!
Hold the mirror for someone and in turn have it held for you!
The Pup

Pineapple upsidedown memories...

Birthdays… the date we were born… the time when the world was changed by our presence being made physical. Could there be so much more… I believe so... I think many of us carry souls that have been here before. This warps the minds of some and makes others of you look at me as if you think I smoke bad drugs. The latter not being true… I find there are so many things that relate from one life to the next. Like… why are some of us afraid of heights.. since early childhood? And others could play on the roof at two. Why do some have a severe phobia but cannot explain why. “Why is it I love pineapple upside down cake?” Ever thought it “could” be related to something from a past life, something our soul carries with us into this dimension from the other side?

Ever had that feeling you knew something was about to happen, and then it did? Premonition? Ever dream of a place where u can see the vivid colors, smell the smells and even taste… maybe dream of the place over and over… but you’ve never been there in this lifetime. Ever met a person you could immediately talk to, felt you know them or had met them, yet knew you never had? Ever felt your soul was drawn to a peaceful place where it found comfort in the similarities of another soul.. and wonder what brought about that meeting? Timing? Place? Fate?

This weekend was my partner’s birthday. We had a wonderful time making memories! Dinner with family on Friday night, Louisiana style… Pineapple upside down cake with candles, then out to a friends birthday event that evening. Saturday brunch shared with family and had gifts. Significant items purchased for the person we love… wrapped in funky papers for ripping open. Then out Saturday night for some bar-hoppin, boot-skootin, fun with friends. Sunday recovery… a relaxing day and then Super Bowl. A time to gather friends, eat junk food and watch people injure themselves while tossin a pigskin ball back-n-forth. Football... Funny the traditions we hold dear huh? We think nothing strange of these… but never give much thought to why we prefer shrimp over sausage or lemon over lime…

Anyway… Just a thought. Meant to stir your “thinker”.
May all your days be blessed especially your birthday!!!
PUP

Bigger than fear

I started writing a poem several days ago, inspired by a deep conversation with my partner. I finally felt I had put into it what I wanted to say so here goes…

Love…
Is Bigger than the fear

Darkness loses its grip
Love is bigger than the pain

Shadowed memories fade
Love is bigger than the scars

Nights become times of rest
Dreams no longer held behind bars

Love is bigger than the hurt
New trust begins to grow

Love is bigger than the stains
Lets our hearts be pure like snow


You see it is easy to forget
Because fear has such a loud roar.

We are often overcome by our past
Looming behind us like a gathering storm cloud

Love has a way of diminishing the storm.
Bringing peace to the rough places

I was taught to believe in Love
And though it has at times brought me pain

It has been my greatest friend and teacher
The fiber of my life’s existence

Like breath below the depths
Bring hope to murky darkness

Love tunes us to our spirit
And connects us with our spirit life force


Of late I have thought so much of how I was raised. A good raising, with all I needed as far as food, shelter and basic needs. I have thought of the struggle to accept myself… deal with the hatred I had for the people in my life that hurt me so. As time passes we age, we mature, evolve. I see so many things change… and we as a society move so aimlessly through the path of life, stumbling, not going where we want…
As I grow as a person, and slowly unload the unnecessary burdens of life, I discover a new part of me hidden beneath each time. Where I feel stronger, more self-secured and more like the man I want to be. We all struggle with wanting to fit in, but the days are fewer for me where I hurriedly run through life to make sure I am being “all” for “everyone”. Empty and meaningless relationships take up less of my time. Things that were so important, like planning a party for a 100, or reading the newspaper to catch the latest travesty, give way to me reading a book I have longed to read, painting, drawing, or writing. Or a quiet evening with the man I love!

I guess what I am realizing in my life is what it feels like to live “Fulfilled”! Its like waking up in another persons world. Depression has less command, maybe someday none at all, Family no longer makes my blood pressure rise or have the ability to guilt me into doing things that are actually their own responsibility. Being a designer no longer means I must live in a show home in order to uphold my position in society. Realizing I’ll never look like an underwear model, is really OK! Even aging is not so scary. Especially when you have your soulmate to love!

Today I dream of things that are wonderful, and I KNOW they will come to pass. Fear no longer holds a death grip on my life, mocking me with “when will you wake up?” “it’s too good to be true!” Its refreshing to have a fleeting thought of “oh my God, what about…” and the next thought is “ yea, so what!”

A few nights ago I dreamed of being in my home town. Friends were there, like I was living my teen years again but was the age and with the knowledge I have today. I was feeling the pressures of the peers. And one girl in particular, who no longer speaks to me since I came out, was in the dream. Demanding so many things of me. Family was expecting me to be the “good Christian straight boy” and I was feeling overwhelmed.
But it was nice when I woke, because it gave me perspective, that I am finally at a place in my life to be putting away those things. I am finally freeing myself to be me. It’s like giving self permission to breath. A whole new meaning to “waiting to exhale” LOL.

There is nothing more powerful than owning your own power! Not allowing it to be sapped away. Like living your whole life with a parasitic drain that empties your battery. And so much of the time this is fostered by who we are around, what we do and where we go. But I think most importantly it is mostly effected by what we see when we look in the mirror. Have you ever asked yourself, “Am I worthy of happiness?” Because the answer is YES.. a thousand times over YES, YES,YES!!! And the simplest part of all is… Happiness lives between out ears!

LIVE! LOVE! BE HAPPY!!
Pup

Rules to live by

Today I recieved and email that very much fit my frame of mind. I felt I should share the contents with everyone...

21 Rules to Live By (from Anthony Robbins)

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
SIX Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

This seemed to settle into my soul as I have been going through some tough moments of late. My kids are teens now and are being brought up in the same religous background as I was. Until recently I have never had a problem with that, but now things are changing.
My 15 yr old daughter has decided it is time to challenege me on my life. Or as she's been taught to call it "my choice of lifestyle". I remember being 15 and what confused emotions brewed in my heart and head.
I have always tried my very best to be honest with my kids. Never hiding who I am from them. I have always answered their questions honestly, in hopes of fostering the mindset that it is ok to speak their minds and tell me of the things goin on in their lives. My Life has never been thrown in their faces and I have made it a priorty to always be an example for my kids. My daughter feels that I have not been a good example, due to the fact that I divorced her mother and went on with my own life. A typical feeling for a child of a divorced home.

I explained to her that my parents remained married for all my life and still are. But I used to pray for them to divorce. You see, doing what the church calls "the Godly thing" or what is expected of us by family and peers may not always be the answer. Most times I believe we are much better to search out what is best for ourselves. Not to say that following a religion may not be helpful in that search. But we tend to get caught up in that and misss the spiritual part of who we are.

My Family are all very religious people. But sadly do not know anything about spirituality.
I began searching for depth in my spirit at a very young age. And I lean on what my experiences have taught me. I trust that each of you will take the time to ask yourself, "am I leading the life I want to lead? Or am I following tradition? Going with the flow?

I challenge you to be YOU! To examine that person who hides inside wanting desperately to be free to come to the surface and experience life to its full potential!

Have a blessed day.
Pup

The veterinarian

This one had to be shared... cause I very much beleive in it!!

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year- old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker and they were hoping for a miracle. I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family there were no miracles left for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for the four-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience. The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why." Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?"

The four-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long." Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God...

Love Conquers

What a beautiful weekend! We finally got much needed rain.
I find it amazing how nature seems to always correct itself when things seem to be out-of-whack. Much like our lives...

I have recently been reminded of something that my grandmother taught me.
She always said "Love conquers all things, but you Must Beleive!" I have seen that come to pass in my own life as I have been able to overcome fears and grow past insecurities.

I was inspired to share this poem I wrote for my soulmate:

Love Conquers

As we travel through this life
the wind whips strongly at our side
Sometimes we are scared by the actions of others
sometimes by what we were taught to be truth

We have moments of tenderness
but memories of pain
share feelings of lost happiness
and feel we've made little gain

But I believe in my soul
Believe in the words of the wise
That from the darkest memories
a whole man can arise.

I know that I can now stand strong
Feeling wind or storm or fright
because I have truly learned
to Love with all my might!

So when I am in doubt
When overwhelmed by fear
I simply look at you
My honest, truthful mirror.

You see, when I am in need
the words of wise I heed.
And all is made quite clear
How love conquers, ALL.

I trust that you all find peace in your heart. Grow from your life experiences.
I am a grateful man today for I am blessed beyond explanation.
Never lose what you could learn today!
Wooferspup

Holiday Memories

What a year... 2005. It will go down in my books as one the best ones yet. For myself, it was filled with spiritual growth( as well as a bit of physical growth around the waist I was not looking for-LOL) and many new adventures. I have come a long way. Worked through some things that I needed to let go of, and faced things I did not even know I would have to. Things that no one should ever have to face. But through these we grow!

Holidays were exciting for me this year. I've always loved Christmas, but this one was special. Sharing with friends and loved ones was different. My partner did such a great job of including me in the family events. They have for years, practiced "Advent" on the four Sundays leading up to Christmas. A time to hear parts of the Christmas story, share Christmas memories, sing carols and enjoy great food together. It was so special. Each time I felt overwhelmed with emotion, sometimes tears, sometimes laughter. I realized through this occasion how much I missed at Christmas grown up. We were never allowed to have a tree, and only allowed to follow traditions that were approved by the church. Even then, there was no time for it. Our lives absorbed in farm work.

Also this year I drew names with my partner's family for the "12 Days of Christmas". Oddly enough I got his wife's name. At first I was not sure that would be the best scenario, but it turned out to be wonderful. It gave me a better opportunity to get to know more about her. So we each gave a wish list and then for the days leading up to Christmas, we got a gift each day. It was so much fun. And I got great gifts... Even my favorite Coconut cream pie! It was like having 12 Christmas!

Also my partner bought us advent calendars to share. Tiny wooden boxes with 25 doors to hide little treasures in. So each day there was a surprise waiting with a message that warmed my heart. Each morning, I'd go open the little door for that day, and smile... Or cry tears of joy at what was waiting inside. Each day making me realize what a beautiful man I have come to love. This Christmas was truly blessed!

Some emotion came in dealing with my kids schedules. They are teens now and very involved in their church and school activities. I was disappointed to not have them for several days over the Christmas break, but nevertheless we made my family holiday time for new years. Of course I always had nice gifts at Christmas, so I always work hard at making my kids holiday feel special. I tend to go overboard with my kids, but they are very grateful and appreciate what I do. We Gathered on New Years Eve, and exchanged gifts. The kids faces were glowing as they unwrapped each package. I loved seeing the excitement on their faces.

Oddly enough the prize gift for my son was the multi-colored stockin hat that I almost decided to not give him, thinking he'd not care for it. This after getting Electronic Drums. And my daughter, went wild over the new purse from my partner and his family. Her's after a digital camera... So you just never know. The simplest things can mean the most. I got a photo scrapbook of childhood events, filled with pictures of me at varying ages of childhood. It is very awesome. Even a photo of myself in the tiny rocking chair that I still have to this day.

Something in these photos brought back memories of things that were not pleasant. More of the stages I have been progressing through over this year. But as I saw the pictures flash through my mind, felt the feelings attached to them, it was relieving. Painful, yet as if weights were being lifted from me. Or as if missing pieces of myself, my own puzzle were now in place. So as I think through them these bring a sense of wholeness. A being more complete. Not without emotion, but cleansing in its movement, as water washes dirt from the rocks.

My work has been exciting this year. Building my business. I have learned a lot. And I trust those lessons will thrust me forward in the progression of new business. It is sometimes a struggle to be self-employed. Seems you are rowing upstream all alone at times. But I know that I have great support. And I am so grateful for all that has been done to help me along the way. My partner is a rock for me! He makes me stop and look at things from and outside angle when I am overwhelmed from the inner perspective of carrying the load.

I am so excited about a new adventure that has begun. I have always wanted to do Artwork. Have had many ideas in my head for years. With my partners encouragement, I did my first piece for a fundraiser this year. It sold, and I was very proud. We had so much fun creating the pieces we did for the fundraiser. It has fueled emotions, dreams and discussions. From my partner for Christmas, I received the most amazing Art set you can imagine. A roll-around caddy for carrying all the supplies, with every thing from paints and charcoal, to brushes and watercolors. A dream of mine... Realized! My imagination runs wild!

We had a "White Trash" Christmas gathering at my place. Just a few friends for silly snack foods and a funny gift exchange. I got the "fiber optic Bonzai tree", its a real showpiece for your home! HEEHEE! Great fun was had.. And many great drinks were shared! Along with good-hearted fun poked at my "pink" Christmas tree. This party was where I received worlds greatest house pet. ROBO Rover, the mechanical dog. It's what all apartment dwellers should have... You can turn it off!!!

I am grateful this year more than ever before. I have so much to be thankful for. My beautiful children, my soulmate, friends who are wonderful and so many more things...
I trust that each of us take something away from 2005 with us that will make us a better person as we travel through this journey called life!
Much love! AL

Movie Review

A-
After all the hype, I was wondering what this might turn out to be. And after reading the short-story I was even more intrigued. Having grown up on a ranch, I knew all too well the expected "code of ethic" that a man is measured by. There is no room for emotion. There is no time for frivolous dreams, just hard, dirty work.
Oh yes, there are good times, with family or friends. But the chores always took the numero uno spot!

I was a bit disappointed by the film, in that the emotion in the original story was about two men struggling to be who they were expected to be, versus who they wanted to be. In the film, we see a lot of focus on the emotion attached to their respective wives. (IE: The sobbing wife peering out the window to see her husband leaving on a fishing trip with his buddy.) That was not in the book! So I guess I was a bit turned off by the attention given to that particular part of the story, instead of focusing on the pain suffered by the two men whom the story was really about.

If you were going to see soft porn and get turned on by two men gettin it on... well that was not really part of the scene either. You see, like many of us, these guys were taught that lookin at another man, touching another man, and for certain having sex with another man was "the Devil's work"! The way they chose to depict this in the film was fair, but lacked the emotion it could have shown.

Overall, the story is sad. And they did a great job of displaying that sadness. I just wish there was a film maker out there with the balls to make a film where the guys end up happy. Where no one has to die beat to death with a tire iron for being GAY or BI.

The overall lesson from this film I beleive is... Don't live your life in fear! Don't let life pass you by... when love is standing at your door!!