Bigger than fear

I started writing a poem several days ago, inspired by a deep conversation with my partner. I finally felt I had put into it what I wanted to say so here goes…

Love…
Is Bigger than the fear

Darkness loses its grip
Love is bigger than the pain

Shadowed memories fade
Love is bigger than the scars

Nights become times of rest
Dreams no longer held behind bars

Love is bigger than the hurt
New trust begins to grow

Love is bigger than the stains
Lets our hearts be pure like snow


You see it is easy to forget
Because fear has such a loud roar.

We are often overcome by our past
Looming behind us like a gathering storm cloud

Love has a way of diminishing the storm.
Bringing peace to the rough places

I was taught to believe in Love
And though it has at times brought me pain

It has been my greatest friend and teacher
The fiber of my life’s existence

Like breath below the depths
Bring hope to murky darkness

Love tunes us to our spirit
And connects us with our spirit life force


Of late I have thought so much of how I was raised. A good raising, with all I needed as far as food, shelter and basic needs. I have thought of the struggle to accept myself… deal with the hatred I had for the people in my life that hurt me so. As time passes we age, we mature, evolve. I see so many things change… and we as a society move so aimlessly through the path of life, stumbling, not going where we want…
As I grow as a person, and slowly unload the unnecessary burdens of life, I discover a new part of me hidden beneath each time. Where I feel stronger, more self-secured and more like the man I want to be. We all struggle with wanting to fit in, but the days are fewer for me where I hurriedly run through life to make sure I am being “all” for “everyone”. Empty and meaningless relationships take up less of my time. Things that were so important, like planning a party for a 100, or reading the newspaper to catch the latest travesty, give way to me reading a book I have longed to read, painting, drawing, or writing. Or a quiet evening with the man I love!

I guess what I am realizing in my life is what it feels like to live “Fulfilled”! Its like waking up in another persons world. Depression has less command, maybe someday none at all, Family no longer makes my blood pressure rise or have the ability to guilt me into doing things that are actually their own responsibility. Being a designer no longer means I must live in a show home in order to uphold my position in society. Realizing I’ll never look like an underwear model, is really OK! Even aging is not so scary. Especially when you have your soulmate to love!

Today I dream of things that are wonderful, and I KNOW they will come to pass. Fear no longer holds a death grip on my life, mocking me with “when will you wake up?” “it’s too good to be true!” Its refreshing to have a fleeting thought of “oh my God, what about…” and the next thought is “ yea, so what!”

A few nights ago I dreamed of being in my home town. Friends were there, like I was living my teen years again but was the age and with the knowledge I have today. I was feeling the pressures of the peers. And one girl in particular, who no longer speaks to me since I came out, was in the dream. Demanding so many things of me. Family was expecting me to be the “good Christian straight boy” and I was feeling overwhelmed.
But it was nice when I woke, because it gave me perspective, that I am finally at a place in my life to be putting away those things. I am finally freeing myself to be me. It’s like giving self permission to breath. A whole new meaning to “waiting to exhale” LOL.

There is nothing more powerful than owning your own power! Not allowing it to be sapped away. Like living your whole life with a parasitic drain that empties your battery. And so much of the time this is fostered by who we are around, what we do and where we go. But I think most importantly it is mostly effected by what we see when we look in the mirror. Have you ever asked yourself, “Am I worthy of happiness?” Because the answer is YES.. a thousand times over YES, YES,YES!!! And the simplest part of all is… Happiness lives between out ears!

LIVE! LOVE! BE HAPPY!!
Pup

Rules to live by

Today I recieved and email that very much fit my frame of mind. I felt I should share the contents with everyone...

21 Rules to Live By (from Anthony Robbins)

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
SIX Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

This seemed to settle into my soul as I have been going through some tough moments of late. My kids are teens now and are being brought up in the same religous background as I was. Until recently I have never had a problem with that, but now things are changing.
My 15 yr old daughter has decided it is time to challenege me on my life. Or as she's been taught to call it "my choice of lifestyle". I remember being 15 and what confused emotions brewed in my heart and head.
I have always tried my very best to be honest with my kids. Never hiding who I am from them. I have always answered their questions honestly, in hopes of fostering the mindset that it is ok to speak their minds and tell me of the things goin on in their lives. My Life has never been thrown in their faces and I have made it a priorty to always be an example for my kids. My daughter feels that I have not been a good example, due to the fact that I divorced her mother and went on with my own life. A typical feeling for a child of a divorced home.

I explained to her that my parents remained married for all my life and still are. But I used to pray for them to divorce. You see, doing what the church calls "the Godly thing" or what is expected of us by family and peers may not always be the answer. Most times I believe we are much better to search out what is best for ourselves. Not to say that following a religion may not be helpful in that search. But we tend to get caught up in that and misss the spiritual part of who we are.

My Family are all very religious people. But sadly do not know anything about spirituality.
I began searching for depth in my spirit at a very young age. And I lean on what my experiences have taught me. I trust that each of you will take the time to ask yourself, "am I leading the life I want to lead? Or am I following tradition? Going with the flow?

I challenge you to be YOU! To examine that person who hides inside wanting desperately to be free to come to the surface and experience life to its full potential!

Have a blessed day.
Pup