So do you ever wonder... Do people see me at all like I see myself? Do I give off energy that is relative to what I feel inside? Do I see in others the things I struggle the hardest with myself?
Do I project? My past into today? Do I project my emotions into a situation that they are not related to? Or onto someone else? Do my fears of looking in my own mirror make me constantly look at others instead of myself?
I am discovering things about myself I have never known. May subconciously I knew them, but never really acknowledged them. Lets face it... I do not know one person who takes criticism well. Whether it be about our work.. or who we are personally. I do not like that about myself.
I want to be honest with people about how I feel. And I want to know if I am doing something that hurts someone. Or that is disrespectful. I never want to try and make others feel i have the answers for them, or judge thier feelings. We all feel what we feel! Did u get that? WE ALL FEEL WHAT WE FEEL! We do not have control of that... but we do control our actions toward others. Maybe we all never learned really good solid manners.
Like:
Don't interupt someone speaking.
or
Never speak out immediately to the person we love when frustrated.
Listen! NO! I mean L I S T E N!!!! Not hear...
There is an art to it... listening with our heart, not our heads.
The head (mind) can be so stubborn. So easily sidetracked.
We can create an agenda without ever meaning to, or sometimes without even knowing it!
Would this be Drama? We like to think we are Drama free.. but are we? OR are we so caught up in our own feelings, in what we percieve as best for us that we create a mountain out of a molehill. Where is the line? Do we cross it too often? When do we remove ourselves from anothers drama? If we are in love with someone, commited to them, are we also commited to their personal issues. I tend to think we are. We either take a person at thier whole value or entire state... or we get part of them.
I want to be whole! I feel like today I am a more pure version of myself than ever! Am I opinionated? God yes... is it ok for me to be? well... yes... but... Is it really good for me to speak my mind always? I dunno... maybe I need to examine my thoughts and my intentions before I spill them all over the place and end up hurting someone. Comparing one person to another... can we? We do.. but not sure that makes it the best observation. None of us are alike. We may have tendancies that are simular. But we are individual in every way. I know how much I hate someone saying I look or act like my dad. GAWD!!! shoot me and save the ones I love that misery! I have learned the person I do NOT want to be... can easily be who I become. I once remember at age 20 trying so hard to not be like someone... that in my own inner drama,that I created... I was becoming the person I detested most! I realized I had to let go... in order for me to not become a stagnant pool of hurt, pain and anger, I decided I must let go... and each and every day I have to learn more about that. Or let it go again...
Sadly the more I think on it, I feel that in real honesty, the things about people that irk me the most are probably what I percieve in myself. OH GAWD theres that mirror! But more importantly for me in the world of other humans...who must share my world...
What do I want to portray?
I personally want to be a person that when I am dead and gone... that people talk amoungst themselves and say... "Knowing this man made me see what truth and honesty can do for me! Knowing the compassion, forgiveness and love shown by this man made we want to be a better man."
I doubt I will ever be wealthy, I doubt I will ever be without enemies, but my prayer each day is to be patient, kind, longsuffering and most importantly loving. If I am able to achieve that.. I will be the richest man on earth! Not in goods... not in possessions... but in peace of mind!
I commited long ago to try doing my very best at everything I do.
I will give compassion to those who sow wrath...
I will give forgiveness even if it is not deserved...
I will speak truth even when it hurts...
And I will love with all my might!
For if I can do these things, I will be the purest version of me that I can be.
I hope if you read this that you don't think it strange... me sharing my personal growth with you here on this blog.
Peace be to you all...
and much love!
AL
