The Unknown

Today I received unsettling news...
I am probably facing back surgery. Not that I have not known it was possible, or might come to that, but it beomes more real when you hear the Dr say, "There is nothing else left to do".
My mind became a whirlwind as I rode the elevator down from his office.
"this doesn't fit in my plans" I thought... "something else to add to my being down on myself"
"what a pain in so many ways, to be off work, to deal with this"
"maybe it's kharma kickin my ass for not being more focused on building my own business".

One could beat the dead horse for a lifetime. Coulda,Shoulda, Woulda! But where would that lead? Around the circle and back again. After all, I reminded myself, it's not the end of the world. But we all have things in our heads that we wanna do... surgery is not usually on that list.
You know... summer, just moved, painting to do, pool parties, outings with my kids, wanting to get back to the gym. And of ourse the horror stories told by so many of bad back surgeries.

It all boils down to a saying my grandmother used to say, "don't go borrowin trouble, just live today!" So I am trying to live my life by that rule, but it's easier said than done. We seem as humans, to always worry about what we cannot control. But with age, I am learning that if I focus more on what I can control, I really won't have time for all the other stuff.

So now we will see what happens. I am a bit scared, but I am eternally grateful that I do not face these things alone. I am blessed with a soulmate who listens to me.. communicates about whatever comes our way. Loving him brings me great peace! I trust that whatever you are going through out there... you have a North Star to keep you on track.

Peace to you all...
AL

I wonder...

Is it lies you tell me
or is it truth
I have to wonder
what lives under your roof
Are you a friend?
or just another flake
Are the words I hear real
or is it all Fake?

Happiness...

Happiness...
Happiness is a journey, not a destination...
For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life, but there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were "my life". This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is "the way" so treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one!
Souza
This was passed to me by a good friend today! What an amazing concept! I felt I needed to share it!
Peace to you all...
AL

Living a lie...

Living a lie...
Today I am more amazed... not in a good way, a sad way. How people can go through their life living a complete lie. And feel ok about it... Or at least gives off a facade that they feel ok about it.
How they pass from one setting to the next and move from loving one person to another so easily. Yes I know what it's like to be in love with someone. I actually know more about that today than ever! Maybe that is what give me the strength to be myself! But to be a liar, to be a user, to deface the integrity of another for your own good, and still be able to even sleep is beyond me. And to go from loving someone, or pretending to love someone, to doing everything in their power to destroy that person and their happiness is nothing less than evil. It proves that people can give in to darkness and become controled by the dark side.
I do not make it a habit of putting myself in the company of people who carry a dark soul. I have been attacked by them too often in my life. You see... many who carry a dark soul in this world do not even know it themselves. They are so ridden with deceit that they themselves are deceived. Sad huh? Scary is more like it... They walk through life... destroying people in their attempt to be happy. Leaving in their wake, hurt feelings, emotions unraveled and supposed friends holding tattered memories of what was a fraud that left them feelin used and stripped of dignity.
All I know to say is watch out for these... follow your heart... follow your gut... do not bypass the red flags... learn from your lessons! Life is too short to waste it on people who only want to use you! Choose wisely when choosing your friends!Beware of those "LIVING A LIE"

Two faced people...

Two faced people!!! Current mood: angry
I am so angry! I want so much to believe in people! I give them the benefit of the doubt. I work at being people's friends, go out of my way to help others!
The repayment... I get referred to as "less than" or inappropriate! As "improper company"... I have had it with people! This is America... Home of the FREE!
I am Bisexual and proud of it! Got a problem with it.. too damn bad!!! I am also a parent, a brother, a son, a partner, a designer, a teacher, a volunteer, and a believer in the truth! I say what I mean... I call a spade A SPADE. But I will not be ashamed of who I am. Nor will I stand by while my friends are ridiculed for being my friends! Be they straight, bi, gay , married or decieved!!
Which is what makes me the most angry.. deceitful people should rott in hell! Yes.. you heard me say it! And I mean it with all the conviction I can muster. Right now if I were speaking this in person, I fear I'd be yelling it!!!
I am so sick of being played by people, and sorry to say girls, but mostly in my life, it has been women! Always using people for their own good. Basically I am sick of people using the experiences of other peoples lives for the benefit of their wants! Selfish! Filthy attitiude! Unacceptable. Lies...
An attack on the personal charactor of another is reason for stand up and fight. I will not be a door mat for underhanded tactics. And I will NOT go down to make room for a LIAR to win...
"trusting first, and always getting burned" Funny how those words come from the same people who will do ANYTHING, yes you heard it.. A N Y T H I N G to win...
I am mad! I am sad! No more being Mr. Nice guy anymore... Be honest or get out of my life!!!

What do we make of it?

I so often hear how someone is not so excited with their life... How things are not as they would like them to be... And I always wonder, Why is that? I have to believe that it is based in choices. Our expectations cause us disappointment.
I learned long ago to not expect anything from anyone. For when I do, I am sorely disappointed. Friends, or so-called friends are usually the worst. They mean well... but then get so caught up in their own world they soon forget those around them, and honestly I am sure we all do that at times.
I truly beleive life is what you make of it! So many say... I went thee and it was not fun... or I did this or that and really was not impressed. Well.. did u go with the expectation to be wowed? Maybe that was half the problem. Did you depend on that one person to be your "best friend" and then find they drift away in their own fog of life.
I hope that I have not been a disappointment to anyone, but I am sure that I have. I guess I could say that I am sorry, but that might not be 100% true. For I am just a man, just human, so I make mistakes. And actually, I have come to be ok with that. Also I have learned that I am ok with the fact that not everyone likes me. Pity... For in their judgements they lose the opportunity to know the real me, the real friend they could have... So I will go on doing what I am learning to do best.
Just be the best "ME" I can be...

Older...

What is this life all about?
Are we here to learn? to come back in the next life and do better... To overcome... to grow... experience... but what? Pain! Suffering! to be reminded of what we did not get right the first time, or maybe even the second... the Grade we never made... the marriage that failed. Or did it? Was it a lesson? was it a path we chose? or that was forced upon us by circumstance? by the actions of others...
These feelings I am left to deal with... who brought them? Burdens I carry, for what? my choices I have made... the troubles that come my way. Are they truly stepping stones for me to grow as I slip, slide, scratch and claw my way across them? or are they just the fallout of what has been put in my path? so many questions... my head hurts.. swirls with emotion! I feel so loaded down at times.
Sometimes I see blue sky and I feel I have stepped up to a higher dimension, then the very next turn takes me through thorns, through rain, dark clouds of depression. Days seem like night, like I struggle to pull myself from the bed and walk to the mirror. Only to see the face of an old man there... he stares at me in some shock.. where did my youth go? What do I have to show for all the hard work I have done? who cares? If I scream, if I cry, if I lay awake at night who will hear? The whole world has their own issues.. everyone is so absorbed in their own journey. Their own pain, or the escape of it!
Bullshit! Why? life is pain!Pain is Life! If there was no pain would we ever know we existed? joy? love? would those sustain us? I don't think any one of them is effective without the other. Emotions are part of who we are. They are our being.. window to our soul! the proof we have feeling.. that our soul has connection to this world... otherwise how would we every touch the spirit world? People don't believe in past lives.. or an after life... GET REAL! There has to be more than this... something in me came from something more complex than this simple life I live! Something in me is deeper than the pain inflicted on this body I live in today. My spirit screams from down deep to be heard. like it's rattling the doors of my soul, say "what are you doing?" wake up! can't you see the lessons you are missing...
I watch those around me...we work, we sleep, we eat... we squabble like children... over petish feelings... what else do we do? sit in front of a TV and watch some stupid "reality" TV show.. don't even get me started!!! who's Reality? or sit for hours on end in front of my damn computer.. looking at the web... pictures... people I don't know... will never know. Chatting, yes to great people. God knows I met my Soulmate on the net. But I have also burned myself out talkin to losers... giving advice. If I had a penny for every word I've typed i'd be rich!! ... listening to BS... "poor me.. alone.. cannot meet anyone... dunno who I am.. am I bi, am I gay".. am I fucking blind?!?!? What are you doing about it? I t don't get better by making love to the PC!! any therapy? any self motivation? any gettin out? yes.. oh God.. yes.. away from the damn computer and meeting someone in person? yes.. people still do that... u know SOCIALIZE!
We sit in chat rooms listenin to things that I think can be inspirational... to a point...yet can clog us.. make us stagnant. oh yes... Please.. Add me! My space.. Hi5...Yahoo...who'swhoonthenet???? I realised I add people that I never chat to... for what? they look pretty? how does that help me? fill up my list where no one else fits.. for what? So I look at beautiful pictures of people who are not even really them on their profiles... and them look at myself in the mirror in distain.. Something it definately wrong with this picture!! Do we are have a damn addiction? YES...I mean it.. are we addicted to the damn NET! We joke about crack ho's and such... hmmm... wonder... if there really is much difference psychologically? I think not!
Maybe the word is weary, maybe tired.. maybe disgusted... I just know I am lookin at myself this year and wondering what I am doing. Nineteen days of this year are gone... and what the hell have I accomplished? a few things yes... but are we on a path.. or are we wandering in a fog? Why must we feel like life is sluggish? I am making a promise to myself to allow for time to be me! the best ME I can be... for in doing this.. I will feel the most accomplished. I will feel the most aventuresome, I will be more motivated. I will be the best Father, lover, partner, soulmate and friend that I can be....
I will be doing what fulfills me! I beleive in me! I believe in you! whoever you are.. when you read this! You can know that one man believes in the dreams you have! no matter how ridiculous others think they are... no matter if you think they are silly.. I BELIEVE IN YOU AND ME!!! I believe in miracles! I know that whatever we face.. whatever life serves up, we can be whatever we want to be and happy doing it!
Hugz,AL

16 years...

On this day 16 years ago... the most beautiful girl in the world was born...
It was a cold day, the clouds were building. It was 6 days shy of my 20th birthday and I was scared to death. I was becoming a father! A parent... that was a life changing experience. I had gone through all the classes to be ringside for the delivery. Hours into the labor, a little heartbeat got lost. So I was forced to sign a paper that said one or both of them might not make it, they were doing a C-section.
Moments seemed like hours in that drab waiting room, there in that country town hospital. I must have counted the bricks on the wall a million times, wore a path pacing on the musty carpet and said so many prayers I forgot if they made any sense. My stomach churned and my head reeled, I felt cheated by not being able to be in there as I had planned.
Then the nurse came to get me... a baby girl! Dark hair and eyes and a rosy red cheeks. Wow what a relief, they were both ok! The first time I held her, those tiny fingers gripped my fingertip. I was in awe! I didn't sleep much that night, sitting by her mother's bed. going to the window of the nursery to peer inside and see my precious baby girl's pink stocking-ed head nuzzled in that weird plastic bed.
I have watched that baby girl grow to be a beautiful young woman! One who makes me so proud to be her dad! The dark eyes turned bright blue/hazel the hair long and blonde. A smile that would dazzle the dreariest day! She's a sister, a musician. a mathmatician, a lady, a comic, she is my Katie!
I love you my beautiful daughter!
Happy sweet 16!
Love, DAD

Trust

TRUST Current mood: settled
Trust is a wonderful thing... it is earned, not demanded. Given to those whom we want to give it to. We are never really forced to trust.... yet at times we trust and then we feel slighted or judged. Based on the fact that a persons behavior does not match our expectations. Maybe we feel used or lied to... when really all it amounts to is that we have broadcasted our feelings and actions for the world to see. Then when everyone that we share those thoughts with is not in agreement, suddenly it doesn't feel like we meant it to. And maybe what we percieve to be occuring is not really what is occuring at all!
See when we forget to seperate our personal feelings from fact... we get the picture all fogged up. So what is really going on in the world around us is not at all what we are seeing from our muddled windows. Some how we lose the clear sight!
You see, I am about treating all people the same. I was taught, treat others as you want to be treated. I am an honest man, so I am going to show compassion to everyone. whether the beggar on the street, or the lost child, or the hurting friend. I do not tell lies about anyone! So don't tell me about your pain, your problems and not expect response. I may not say what you want to hear, but I will listen and I will respond. I am an adult, with many years experience! Abuse survivor, suicide survivor, marriage, divorce. living abroad, religious upbringing, And I am well today! Alive! healthy! and Whole! Not afraid or ashamed to talk about it! It is not high school.. it's real life. This is not a dress rehearsal!!! These are not uniforms and horns... it's not a stage... these are our children! Our lives! Our familes! Our friends!
You see, what I don't get is how we all want friendship. We all want advice. We all want a shoulder to lean on. But we want it on OUR terms... "Oh how dare anyone talk about my life" Well that's juvenile! selfish! Either put it out there and be an adult when people repsond or SHUT UP! and go it alone! It's like taking out a TV ad or a billboard and then being upset anyone noticed. Get a grip people!
I am so sick of people playing victim. "It never pays to be nice" BULLSHIT! The only time it didn't pay to be nice was if the "being nice" was a freakin facade in the first place. Or was it, "play by my rules and it will all be fun like playing house"? Why can't everyone get along and be REAL FRIENDS! Grow up!
I am a real person, with a real life... am I perfect? HELL NO! In the eyes of others, do I do everything correctly? I'm sure they'd say no... I want to grow, to learn every day! I don't want to relive mistakes. In fact I want to be an open book, so that my friends see my mistakes and can learn from them too. We are all human! We all make mistakes. We all should learn to get along in this world and it would be a much happier place to live, to work, for our kids to grow up in!
I am glad I learned long ago about clicks. I never was part of a fraternity. I do not align myself with any particular political group. I do not belong to any particular organized religious sect. I am just me... sharing my thoughts with whoever reads them. Trying to be friends to all I come in contact with. I am here to chat or listen anytime... and if I come back with something you don't want to hear, or do something you don't approve of well... I'm not sorry! I'm just me! So get over it!
Peace to you all in 2007