What is this life all about?
Are we here to learn? to come back in the next life and do better... To overcome... to grow... experience... but what? Pain! Suffering! to be reminded of what we did not get right the first time, or maybe even the second... the Grade we never made... the marriage that failed. Or did it? Was it a lesson? was it a path we chose? or that was forced upon us by circumstance? by the actions of others...
These feelings I am left to deal with... who brought them? Burdens I carry, for what? my choices I have made... the troubles that come my way. Are they truly stepping stones for me to grow as I slip, slide, scratch and claw my way across them? or are they just the fallout of what has been put in my path? so many questions... my head hurts.. swirls with emotion! I feel so loaded down at times.
Sometimes I see blue sky and I feel I have stepped up to a higher dimension, then the very next turn takes me through thorns, through rain, dark clouds of depression. Days seem like night, like I struggle to pull myself from the bed and walk to the mirror. Only to see the face of an old man there... he stares at me in some shock.. where did my youth go? What do I have to show for all the hard work I have done? who cares? If I scream, if I cry, if I lay awake at night who will hear? The whole world has their own issues.. everyone is so absorbed in their own journey. Their own pain, or the escape of it!
Bullshit! Why? life is pain!Pain is Life! If there was no pain would we ever know we existed? joy? love? would those sustain us? I don't think any one of them is effective without the other. Emotions are part of who we are. They are our being.. window to our soul! the proof we have feeling.. that our soul has connection to this world... otherwise how would we every touch the spirit world? People don't believe in past lives.. or an after life... GET REAL! There has to be more than this... something in me came from something more complex than this simple life I live! Something in me is deeper than the pain inflicted on this body I live in today. My spirit screams from down deep to be heard. like it's rattling the doors of my soul, say "what are you doing?" wake up! can't you see the lessons you are missing...
I watch those around me...we work, we sleep, we eat... we squabble like children... over petish feelings... what else do we do? sit in front of a TV and watch some stupid "reality" TV show.. don't even get me started!!! who's Reality? or sit for hours on end in front of my damn computer.. looking at the web... pictures... people I don't know... will never know. Chatting, yes to great people. God knows I met my Soulmate on the net. But I have also burned myself out talkin to losers... giving advice. If I had a penny for every word I've typed i'd be rich!! ... listening to BS... "poor me.. alone.. cannot meet anyone... dunno who I am.. am I bi, am I gay".. am I fucking blind?!?!? What are you doing about it? I t don't get better by making love to the PC!! any therapy? any self motivation? any gettin out? yes.. oh God.. yes.. away from the damn computer and meeting someone in person? yes.. people still do that... u know SOCIALIZE!
We sit in chat rooms listenin to things that I think can be inspirational... to a point...yet can clog us.. make us stagnant. oh yes... Please.. Add me! My space.. Hi5...Yahoo...who'swhoonthenet???? I realised I add people that I never chat to... for what? they look pretty? how does that help me? fill up my list where no one else fits.. for what? So I look at beautiful pictures of people who are not even really them on their profiles... and them look at myself in the mirror in distain.. Something it definately wrong with this picture!! Do we are have a damn addiction? YES...I mean it.. are we addicted to the damn NET! We joke about crack ho's and such... hmmm... wonder... if there really is much difference psychologically? I think not!
Maybe the word is weary, maybe tired.. maybe disgusted... I just know I am lookin at myself this year and wondering what I am doing. Nineteen days of this year are gone... and what the hell have I accomplished? a few things yes... but are we on a path.. or are we wandering in a fog? Why must we feel like life is sluggish? I am making a promise to myself to allow for time to be me! the best ME I can be... for in doing this.. I will feel the most accomplished. I will feel the most aventuresome, I will be more motivated. I will be the best Father, lover, partner, soulmate and friend that I can be....
I will be doing what fulfills me! I beleive in me! I believe in you! whoever you are.. when you read this! You can know that one man believes in the dreams you have! no matter how ridiculous others think they are... no matter if you think they are silly.. I BELIEVE IN YOU AND ME!!! I believe in miracles! I know that whatever we face.. whatever life serves up, we can be whatever we want to be and happy doing it!
Hugz,AL
