Peace or pain

So what is it that life is made up of? Is it our joys? Our pains?
Does it take so much of the latter to make the tapestry be sufficient to withstand the winds of time? I think sometimes I am so far off the path of where I had pictured myself at 37.
Maybe I never had a clear understanding of what that path was... I think for so many of my younger years I followed a path directed or laid out by someone else. What they thought was best for me...

Pain seems so ever-present. Like those we want to draw close to us only drift further and further away. And the more we stand for who we are the less they are near us. I think I am learning that this is because we do less to facilitate them and their needs, wants or causes.
We get used more often that we realize. Used as a stepping stone to climb higher on the ladder of success. Used to mooch off of to make it through till times are better then walk away. Always wanting something, but not really willing to give in return what was offered to them.
Sadly myself, I have had women do me the dirtiest. They have been the most vindictive. Most self centered, thoughtless people in my life. Don't get me wrong, I've been cut to the bone by the male species as well.

I guess I have a hard time knowing how people sleep at night. How they an feel good about themselves, some call themselves christian. It is really amazing how they an even look you in the eye after the things they do. I would be so ashamed I would hide and never show my face again if I acted like such a hypocrite. And yes if you are out there reading this, with guilt in your heart, God help you!!! God save your black soul, thus it be damned! (yes you, from my employer, for one) I believe that what is given is returned! and I have seen it happen in my lifetime... Sad, but real! Some of these people must have no conscience, no truth or honesty in them at all.

I have had my own family members use me for their own good. Maybe they don't mean to in forethought but they don't stop. Don't apologize. Never try to make a difference. They incorporate people into their lives who move the steadily away from their family. From those who love them most, who hold their secrets close. They think only of how they can improve on their own wants being met, what gets them their next fix. No they're not a drug addict, but they are just as addicted to things, that make them behave the way they do. Addiction like a sad sickness taking over their soul like a cancer.

I am sad tonight... moving only in a direction of what works for me. What feeds my soul? what do I focus and grasp to center myself in a spiritual depth. Cleansing my mind to give it peace. Finding what actions I take to reach synergy with the inner peace I know that is available. What people will no longer be a part of my life, what persons will be drawn to the closeness of peace! Scary, but necessary to survive in this world of pain and strife!

Peace to you all.
AL