These days...

I was in thought this morning... last night... layin in bed...
Got to wondering.
How is it that all of us gay men who decided to marry and try playin it straight, or who came out later in life ended up marryin the most bitter, decietful, evil women on the planet?
They all seem to be selfish, slobs, with some kinda of vendetta or agenda.

So many great guys I know have divorced and been taken to the cleaners by their exes. Hell, I managed to give everything to my ex for the sake of my kids. Then met a man, helped him build a beautiful life, come out to his family and build a successful business, and even he turned out to be a greedy, selfish, psychopath. It is like we are magnets to the pain...
Starting with childhood... abuse from parents, family members, adults around us. They prey upon us and somehow we get trapped in a cycle of relationships, friendships where we are used as a doormat. We learn to omit things rather than be honest, lie about our real thoughts, we hide our feelings, enternalize everything and many self destruct. I myself came close and am proud to say that I am a survivor!

I just become sad seeing people get used. I get angry when I get put upon, to this day! By people who think they have all the answers! They think they can go talking trash, telling you what is the best thing for you to do... HOLD UP! Walk a mile in my shoes! Live in this headspace! Feel my heart and the pain I have lived through! have done to you what I have had dome to me... Then we will talk! Till then, sweep your own doorstep honey! And make sure you know what is goin on at home before you go judging those around you!

Family: Now there's a topic we could talk on all day! Hell all week, all year!! Some are lucky enough to have family who accepts them as the person they are, and does not judge them. I am blessed to have two children who are in contact with me. They love me, and know that I love them more than anything! I have stayed connected to them, supported them and will continue to. I do not see them as much as I'd love to.. but that is ok... some people don't get to see theirs at all. So I am eternally grateful!! I was recently crucified for a blog i passed along to non-bloggers to read about how my kids have grown up so quickly, how times flies and it's amazing to see them grow. And about how I am sad to only see them for short amounts of time, how I'd love to see them for longer times if life permited it. It was totally taken out of context and seen as an attack on my ex. Go figure!! It was written with no malice, not directed at anyone.. was about a song I hear that day and an emotion it brought forward. Then, I got again lam-blasted by an in-law we will call him... for lack of a better politically correct term, about how dare I attack my Ex-wife. and all this BS about how I should be ashamed of myself for even saying such things... Again... outta context... was not directed at anyone. Funny thing was, the blog was about my personal feelings that day, emotions, that I sent to those I felt closest to. In sending it to my ex-wife and my brother-in-law... it was a step in my part to include them in a close knit network of people i hold dear to my heart. So I was reaching out in a way, to try to be closer. And instead I get 42 emails about what abad person I am... unreal!!

What really amazed me was that the "advice" I got on this was so reactive, and from someone who has so much left to deal with in their own life it is unbelieveable. Taking responsibility for your own actions is far more amirable! Like being man enough to care for ones health and the health of others. Going through life in a haphazzard manor and putting others people at risk because we as humans are too weak or too chickenshit to face our own fears is not acceptable!
I am sad because there are people close to me being less than responsible!

As for family, mine are no longer close. All that used to be a close knit unit is now a shell of what was. So many are trapped in the relics of religious bindings, so caught up in their beliefs they cannot see that their closest relatives have drifted away. Reality of life has made some of us evolve, while other remain stagnant in yesterday's way of living. Thinking if they only pray harder we will all return to the ship and live our life in the time warp with them. "The Good Ship" has sailed.. and they cannot see that they are left on a sinking island. So we move on, we live our lives, and we learn to let go. Because it is impossible to climb inside someones head, to give them the shot in the heart that they need to see the evolving world around them.

I think as I lay in bed thinking, I was overwhelmed with sadness. As it is so depressing that people cannot grasp that they are loved! that they have the opportunity in front of them to walk in sunshine.. move past fears, to let go of past pains, to grow to new heights... instead we hang on to old pains and rag them along with us like a dead horse we are sentenced to drag along each day. Accompanied by the stench and rotting smell of it reminding us.. "still here" "still weighing you down"!! People are so unable to share love... to see that we are capable os such great and might loves!! I guess I want to be like mother Theresa or Princess DI.. I wnat to show the world that there is Love, that there can be peace in our hearts. We only have to be bold enough, Brave enough!! to show it... to share it!! and not just with one! but many!!!

Are you brave enough? Are you bold enough? Are you willing to share love? Or are you self consumed? I know from experience when we love... it comes back many times over!!

Peace
AL