Mixed Feelings

The world is a strange place! Every day we meet people... Some are wrapped up in drama. Some are in stages of their life where they are growing. Some are in painful situations, trying to find their way. Others are actually malicious!

I have empathy for those who are caught in drama, and who are growing. I feel pain for those trying to get through painful situations. For in all of those I have recollections of when I was there. Looking for direction, searching for answers, learning about myself. And as the years pass, I never want to stop learning about myself, for in doing this I am able to come closer to being the man I am meant to be. My soul becomes lighter, and clearer as I am able to learn from mistakes, grow by listening to what my heart tells me.

For those wrapped in Drama: it is a smoke filled room. A reality TV show that has no reality.
It is a show for others, guided by the wishes and thoughts of others. People get drama rolling in their lives and it is like the little wheel in the gerbil's cage. A vicious circle! I can remember being caught up in drama and hating it... like I was on a stage show. And I was required to respond in a certain way, in order to please the crowd. Be they my so-called friends, family, or the public.

Growth: We all make choices whether we learn from our life lessons. We each have our own lives, so what we go through is different. I think we forget that at times. There are reasons why we act the way we do, or re-act! I have tried to not be a reactionary person. As a man, I have felt judged in many cases for being an emotional person. I have prayed and wished to not be so emotional. And now I am blessed to be in love with a person who embraces my emotional side and tempers our relationship with a calm balance, a resolve. We each have a past... and with that may come regret. But I have learned that if I choose let go of the ugliness in the past, and try to remember what positive thing I have learned from each situation, it makes me carry less baggage. There may be things we struggle with letting go of... addictions, memories, emotional attachments, loves lost.

Malice: mal·ice
1. A desire to harm others or to see others suffer; extreme ill will or spite.
2. Law The intent, without just cause or reason, to commit a wrongful act that will result in harm to another.
It amazes me how people thrive on this... we see it in movies, on "reality TV", soap operas, amongst so-called friends, and amazingly enough family! To use any piece of information, whether sometimes even knowing if it is even true, in order to tear another person down. That is the true example of malice. And in the gay community, it seems that Fags are the worst! They will say or do anything... ANYTHING... to be in control. And Jealousy runs hand in hand with malice. So when they see you in a relationship, moving in a positive direction, they will try to destroy it. It is so sad... they cannot stand to see someone grow away from old habits, to settle into peaceful situations, and find a soulmate to share life with.

When they see evidence of two people finding happiness, one wonders if they actually react without thinking. I'd like to give people the benefit of doubt... but as I am aging, maturing, I have less faith. Less in others, but more in myself. Which is one of the most amazing things in the world. Because me having faith in myself is something that I have gone without in many times in my life. So I am proud to say I am building a belief in myself! I also believe in others! But I choose to believe in people who are working on themselves, who are wanting to learn from their mistakes, to apply their "life lessons".

I see people who share life as couples... some are there as a support system that has saved each other from certain self destruction, Some are together because they have settled and think they cannot ever do any better so they settle for the first person who shows them attention and then are miserable later. Other people are attracted on such intense levels, but the cannot commit their bodies, their minds, their soul to one person. So they tear each other apart by displaying strange actions in public, disrespecting their partners, and ultimately disrespecting themselves. When your mate is standing in the room with you, or in the bar or wherever you are, what on earth possesses someone to kiss, grope or make out with another person. That makes your partner feel like the old pair of shoes you left on the back steps in the rain because you found some new flip flops on sale and the dollar store. Cheap! Tacky! and disrespected!

So in all, I would say... Search your soul, look into the mirror. See what you are made of...
Are there things you do that intentionally to hurt others? Do you have jealously thriving in your heart because someone has something you dream of? Have you ever considered what it took that person to get to that place in their life? What they have given up or mountain they have climbed to be there? Have you cleaned the skeletons out of your closets? Have you been able to be honest with yourself, much less the person you want to share life with?

I trust we all find more peace each day!!
AL