Today I have been flooded with emotions... dunno if I am just havin a day...
or if I am meant to reach someone today.
Maybe just time for me "wash my windows", soul search...
Maybe just life...
Kirk Franklin's "Tribe of Judah" Choir came on Ellen singing...
"Lately I've been going through some things that's really got me down
I need someone, somebody to come and help me turn my life around
I can't explain it I can't contain it , Jesus your love is so, it's so Amazing!
It gets me high, up to the sky, and when I think about your goodness
It makes me wanna Stomp!
makes me clap my hands! Makes me wanna dance! Stomp!
My brother can't you see, I've got the victory! Stomp!"
When I hear a choir it makes me feel so good...
Makes me wanna dance... I was sitting here in tears...
I have spent so much time thinkin of my friend who passed away.
Saddened by the void, and as always, wondering why?
We were not close friends, but had spent a fair bit of time talking online.
Life is so full...
Full of pain, full of expectations, full of disappointments.
Maybe sometimes we create some of those.
Maybe we even feed hem or make them worse, but nevertheless, they are real.
to us anyway... whether anyone else sees or feels them.
And who are we to judge what someone feels?
I was inspired and uplifted today!
Whatever you are dealing with,
Whatever you face, I hope you find what it is to help you deal...
Always know that there is someone out there going through something simular.
and even if they don't know how to communicate it...
There is certainly people out there who care!
peace
al
Friday, February 01, 2008
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Big Boy Angels
So was a windy, sunny day in Texas like so many others. I went through my routine like that I have developed since having surgery. Moving slow... dressing myself... feeling a bit of pain, taking my meds, using my walker to pass through the house. Lamenting not getting our living room painted before my surgery, people are coming over for Robb's birthday party. Would have loved to get the bathroom painted in the hall... oh well. Having my lunch that my soulmate made me before he left for work. Watching TV, talked to some people from work who checked on me to see how I am doing. Was nice to be missed! I called my Dr to ask about my sore ribs. apparently it's quite normal after a surgery like mine to have symptoms like bruised ribs. Write my journal... talk to my mom. Text from a friend to see how I am improving post-surgery.
There is so much that runs through my mind. I know Robb is going through emotions dealing with his divorce. Even though it's been a long time comin, things have changed, and the way he had planned for the divorce to be executed got nixed by others being vendictive. My daughter has gone through things this year becoming a young woman that I guess I had hoped she would not have to go through. I have struggled to communicate with her as openly as possible. She is too much like me I fear...
I think through the process of my upcoming therapy and Rehab. And I go through the whole thing in my mind... will power.. will power.. will power...
Then...
a friend messaged me... to tell me that a friend of ours had passed away. That he'd found it too difficult to be here and deal anymore... I was so stunned... When chills run down my spine it is different. I have metal back there now. My heart ached... I thought, what could I have done? called more often? emailed? said something more? Such a good guy.. a good looking man! I had to stop and reflect... to be grateful for getting to know him while he was here.
and to know that now there is yet another "Big Boy Angel" on the other side lookin out for me!
We will miss ya B!!
PEACE
There is so much that runs through my mind. I know Robb is going through emotions dealing with his divorce. Even though it's been a long time comin, things have changed, and the way he had planned for the divorce to be executed got nixed by others being vendictive. My daughter has gone through things this year becoming a young woman that I guess I had hoped she would not have to go through. I have struggled to communicate with her as openly as possible. She is too much like me I fear...
I think through the process of my upcoming therapy and Rehab. And I go through the whole thing in my mind... will power.. will power.. will power...
Then...
a friend messaged me... to tell me that a friend of ours had passed away. That he'd found it too difficult to be here and deal anymore... I was so stunned... When chills run down my spine it is different. I have metal back there now. My heart ached... I thought, what could I have done? called more often? emailed? said something more? Such a good guy.. a good looking man! I had to stop and reflect... to be grateful for getting to know him while he was here.
and to know that now there is yet another "Big Boy Angel" on the other side lookin out for me!
We will miss ya B!!
PEACE
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
True Equality = JUST ME
TODAY I HAVE BEEN OVERWHELMED WITH THE THOUGHTS ON HOW WE AS A SOCIETY ARE SUCH LABEL FANATICS. WE ARE BROUGHT UP TO BELIEVE THAT EVERYTHING SHOULD FIT WITHIN A PATTERN, FOLLOW A PATH, AND BE A PART OF SOME GREATER GROUP. WE IN THE UNITED STATES, I BELIEVE, ARE SOME OF THE WORST FOR THIS... DEMANDING COMFORMITY! TO FIT INTO A PARTICULAR PARTY, A CERTAIN SECTOR, OR FOLLOW A LEADER WITHOUT QUESTION.
WE PUBLISH MAGAZINES TO SELL PRODUCT... BUT MORESO TO LET US SEE WHAT "PERFECTION" IS! THIS IS HOW WE SHOULD LOOK... FASHION MODELS ARE ANEREXIC AND OUR KIDS DOLLS ARE FASHIONED TO BE SHOWING SOME KIND OF SEX APPEAL. GIRLS TODAY ARE GROWING UP SO FAST... LAY DOWN THE DOLL, PICK UP THE MAKEUP, BY 12 THEY LOOK LIKE THE PATHETIC POP ROCK STAR STAR. WHO IS NOW SPIRALING OUT OF CONTROL ON DRUGS, PARTIES, TWO KIDS, DIVORCED AND THE MEDIA ONLY MAKES IT A HAYDAY OF FEEDING US MORE OF HER MISTAKES. OH NO WAIT!!! SHE'S A ROLE MODEL.. UR WUZ.. IS.."OH I AM CONFUSED"!!
TURN ON THE NET... LETS SEE... SELL YOU SOMETHING TO MAKE YOU LOSE WEIGHT, ENLARGE YOUR PENIS, AND LIVE FOREVER. EXCEPT... THOSE WEIGHTLOSSWONDERPILL... TRIMSPA.. ISN'T THIER MODEL DEAD NOW? LEAVIN BEHIND HER CHILD FOR THE UNKNOWN FATHER SHE NEVER MARRIED TO FIGHT OVER HER? AND, IF THERE WAS NO $$$, IF SPOKESPERSON MOM HAD STILL BEEN LIVING IN THAT TRAILER SHE WAS RAISED IN WHEN SHE DIED, WOULD ANY MAN HAVE BEEN FIGHTING FOR THAT BABY?
2008 ROLLS AROUND, I WENT SHOPPING FOR AN EYE ANDY CALENDAR. SOMETHING I HAVE DONE EVERY YEAR FOR YEARS. THAT BEAUTIFUL HUNKY MAN TO GREET YOU EACH MORNING AS U GET READY FOR WORK. HMMM... THAT MAGAZINE THAT YOU SUBSCRIBE TO.. THE LATEST FASHION... ARE U EVER GONNA BE A SIZE 3? HELL NO!
MILES AND MILES OF WEB PAGES, JUST THE NEXT CLICK OF THE MOUSE BRINGS THE SCROLLING PIX OF THE HOT YOUNG THING. PERFECT SKIN, PERFECT BODY, MAKING US LUST AFTER THEM, WISH TO BE THEM, OR HAVE ONE OF THEM IN OUR BED. MICHEAL JACKSON SANG IT.. P.Y.T. PAGE AFTER PAGE, HOURS, DAYS SLIP BY.... WHO CAN'T GET LOST LOOKING AT BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE? BUT WHAT DOES IT DO TO OUR SELF WORTH? I THINK I AM LEARNING IT ONLY MAKES ME DISLIKE WHAT I SEE IN THE MIRROR EVEN MORE. SO WHY DO THAT TO MYSELF? WHY COMPARE MYSELF TO 7% OF THE WORLDS POPULATION? FOR REAL... LESS THAT 7% OF THE WORLDS POPULATION EVER ENDS UP ON TV, IN A MAGAZINE OR IN THE NEWS. AND THAT INCLUDES SHOWS LIKE COPS AND THE TRASH MAGS. SO THE"SO CALLED" BEAUTIFUL PORTION IS EVEN LESS THAN THAT.
I AM DECIDING THAT I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT. THAT IT SHOULD NOT MATTER IF I AM A GUY OR A GAL. THAT IT IS IRRELIVANT WHETHER I SLEEP WITH A MAN, A WOMAN OR BOTH! BEING REPUBLICAN, DEMOCRAT, OR INDEPENDANT DOES NOT DEFINE WHO I AM! NOR DOES BEING BUDDIST, PENTECOSTAL, BAPTIST, AGNOSTIC OR WHATEVER... NONE OF THESE DEFINE ME AS A PERSON!! THEY ARE LABELS! THEY ALL HAVE REASON, THEY ALL HAVE WORTH. BUT WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT IS THE PERSON... ME!! ME AS A PERSON HAS MORE WORTH!!! IT MATTERS NOT WHO I LOVE, WHO I AM MARRIED TO, WHO I DIVORCE, WHO I HANG WITH OR DECIDE I DO NOT WANT TO HANG WITH... NONE OF THOSE ATE THE DEFINITION OF ME!!
SHOULD YOU BE JUDGED BECAUSE YOU LIKE PURPLE? OR BECAUSE YOU LIKE TO EAT YOUR CORN MIXED WITH YOUR MASHED POTATOES? YOU LIKE BJORK... OK... WE CAN OVERLOOK THAT... lol!
ALL I AM SAYIN IS "WHEN DID WE BECOME SO DAMN JUDGMENTAL?" I REALLY DISLIKE IT ABOUT MYSELF... I WANT PEOPLE TO ALWAYS FEEL THEY CAN BE THEMSELVES WHEN THEY ARE IN MY COMPANY. AND ALL YOU CHRISTIANS OUT THERE!! YEA I AM TALKIN TO YOU! YOU WANT TO LIVE LIKE CHRIST? THEN LOVE... LOVE=ACEPTANCE LOVE EVERYONE!!! THAT'S WHAT CHRIST SAID!!!
E V E R Y O N E !
YEP.. ALL OF EM... BLACK, WHITE, MEXICAN,FAGS,STR8, BI, FANATICS, REPUBLICANS, DEMOCRATS.... YOU HEARD IT!!!
EVERYONE!!!
PAUL McCARTNEY WROTE "EBONY AND IVORY" IN 1982... HE AND STEVIE WONDER SANG ABOUT HOW THERE IS GOOD AND BAD IN EVERYONE. BLACK & WHITE LIVING SIDE BY SIDE... GOD BLESS EM!!!
MICHEAL JACKSON AND LIONEL RICHIE ORGANIZED "WE ARE THE WORLD" ALONG WITH OTHER SINGERS IN 1985 IN THE "USA FOR AFRICA" RAISING MONEY FOR STARVING PEOPLE... BUT WHAT ABOUT HERE IN OUR OWN CITY? OUR OWN STATE? OUR OWN COUNTRY?
WE DON'T EVEN HAVE MANDATORY RECYCLING IN THE MAJOR CITIES IN THIS COUNTRY. WHAT ARE WE DOING TO CONSERVE ANYTHING FOR OUR CHILDREN?
THE POPULATION OF THE USA IS LIKE 7% OF THE WORLDS POPULATION, YET WE USE 33% OF THE RESOURCES USED UP IN THE WORLD EACH DAY.
NO WONDER WE ARE LOOKED AT AS THE ARROGANT AMERICANS... MAYBE WE SHOULD LOOK IN THE MIRROR... AND GO OMG!!!
FAT... WASTEFUL... JUDGMENTAL... PORN ADDICT... CHICKENSHIT!!!
GROW SOME BALLS... STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU WANT.. FOR WHO YOU ARE.. LIVE YOUR DREAMS... GO GET THEM... STOP WAITING ON THE WORLD TO BRING THEM TO YOU!!! CAUSE YOUR LIFE WILL PASS YOU BY AND YOUR DREAMS WILL MELT LIKE SPRING SNOW...
MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE TITLED THIS AFTER THE HEART SONG "TELL IT LIKE IT IS"
MAYBE I WRITING MORE TO MYSELF THAN ANYONE ELSE... EITHER WAY...
I HOPE IT STRIKES A CHORD WITH SOMEONE! IF IT PISSES YOU OFF.. WELL GOOD... THEN AT LEAST YOU GOT YOUR COALS STOKED TODAY! CAUSE I WANNA BE YOUR FRIEND... BUT I WANT YOU TO ALWAYS BE KNOWIN WHAT I THINK.. AND WHERE WE STAND!!!
al
WE PUBLISH MAGAZINES TO SELL PRODUCT... BUT MORESO TO LET US SEE WHAT "PERFECTION" IS! THIS IS HOW WE SHOULD LOOK... FASHION MODELS ARE ANEREXIC AND OUR KIDS DOLLS ARE FASHIONED TO BE SHOWING SOME KIND OF SEX APPEAL. GIRLS TODAY ARE GROWING UP SO FAST... LAY DOWN THE DOLL, PICK UP THE MAKEUP, BY 12 THEY LOOK LIKE THE PATHETIC POP ROCK STAR STAR. WHO IS NOW SPIRALING OUT OF CONTROL ON DRUGS, PARTIES, TWO KIDS, DIVORCED AND THE MEDIA ONLY MAKES IT A HAYDAY OF FEEDING US MORE OF HER MISTAKES. OH NO WAIT!!! SHE'S A ROLE MODEL.. UR WUZ.. IS.."OH I AM CONFUSED"!!
TURN ON THE NET... LETS SEE... SELL YOU SOMETHING TO MAKE YOU LOSE WEIGHT, ENLARGE YOUR PENIS, AND LIVE FOREVER. EXCEPT... THOSE WEIGHTLOSSWONDERPILL... TRIMSPA.. ISN'T THIER MODEL DEAD NOW? LEAVIN BEHIND HER CHILD FOR THE UNKNOWN FATHER SHE NEVER MARRIED TO FIGHT OVER HER? AND, IF THERE WAS NO $$$, IF SPOKESPERSON MOM HAD STILL BEEN LIVING IN THAT TRAILER SHE WAS RAISED IN WHEN SHE DIED, WOULD ANY MAN HAVE BEEN FIGHTING FOR THAT BABY?
2008 ROLLS AROUND, I WENT SHOPPING FOR AN EYE ANDY CALENDAR. SOMETHING I HAVE DONE EVERY YEAR FOR YEARS. THAT BEAUTIFUL HUNKY MAN TO GREET YOU EACH MORNING AS U GET READY FOR WORK. HMMM... THAT MAGAZINE THAT YOU SUBSCRIBE TO.. THE LATEST FASHION... ARE U EVER GONNA BE A SIZE 3? HELL NO!
MILES AND MILES OF WEB PAGES, JUST THE NEXT CLICK OF THE MOUSE BRINGS THE SCROLLING PIX OF THE HOT YOUNG THING. PERFECT SKIN, PERFECT BODY, MAKING US LUST AFTER THEM, WISH TO BE THEM, OR HAVE ONE OF THEM IN OUR BED. MICHEAL JACKSON SANG IT.. P.Y.T. PAGE AFTER PAGE, HOURS, DAYS SLIP BY.... WHO CAN'T GET LOST LOOKING AT BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE? BUT WHAT DOES IT DO TO OUR SELF WORTH? I THINK I AM LEARNING IT ONLY MAKES ME DISLIKE WHAT I SEE IN THE MIRROR EVEN MORE. SO WHY DO THAT TO MYSELF? WHY COMPARE MYSELF TO 7% OF THE WORLDS POPULATION? FOR REAL... LESS THAT 7% OF THE WORLDS POPULATION EVER ENDS UP ON TV, IN A MAGAZINE OR IN THE NEWS. AND THAT INCLUDES SHOWS LIKE COPS AND THE TRASH MAGS. SO THE"SO CALLED" BEAUTIFUL PORTION IS EVEN LESS THAN THAT.
I AM DECIDING THAT I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT. THAT IT SHOULD NOT MATTER IF I AM A GUY OR A GAL. THAT IT IS IRRELIVANT WHETHER I SLEEP WITH A MAN, A WOMAN OR BOTH! BEING REPUBLICAN, DEMOCRAT, OR INDEPENDANT DOES NOT DEFINE WHO I AM! NOR DOES BEING BUDDIST, PENTECOSTAL, BAPTIST, AGNOSTIC OR WHATEVER... NONE OF THESE DEFINE ME AS A PERSON!! THEY ARE LABELS! THEY ALL HAVE REASON, THEY ALL HAVE WORTH. BUT WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT IS THE PERSON... ME!! ME AS A PERSON HAS MORE WORTH!!! IT MATTERS NOT WHO I LOVE, WHO I AM MARRIED TO, WHO I DIVORCE, WHO I HANG WITH OR DECIDE I DO NOT WANT TO HANG WITH... NONE OF THOSE ATE THE DEFINITION OF ME!!
SHOULD YOU BE JUDGED BECAUSE YOU LIKE PURPLE? OR BECAUSE YOU LIKE TO EAT YOUR CORN MIXED WITH YOUR MASHED POTATOES? YOU LIKE BJORK... OK... WE CAN OVERLOOK THAT... lol!
ALL I AM SAYIN IS "WHEN DID WE BECOME SO DAMN JUDGMENTAL?" I REALLY DISLIKE IT ABOUT MYSELF... I WANT PEOPLE TO ALWAYS FEEL THEY CAN BE THEMSELVES WHEN THEY ARE IN MY COMPANY. AND ALL YOU CHRISTIANS OUT THERE!! YEA I AM TALKIN TO YOU! YOU WANT TO LIVE LIKE CHRIST? THEN LOVE... LOVE=ACEPTANCE LOVE EVERYONE!!! THAT'S WHAT CHRIST SAID!!!
E V E R Y O N E !
YEP.. ALL OF EM... BLACK, WHITE, MEXICAN,FAGS,STR8, BI, FANATICS, REPUBLICANS, DEMOCRATS.... YOU HEARD IT!!!
EVERYONE!!!
PAUL McCARTNEY WROTE "EBONY AND IVORY" IN 1982... HE AND STEVIE WONDER SANG ABOUT HOW THERE IS GOOD AND BAD IN EVERYONE. BLACK & WHITE LIVING SIDE BY SIDE... GOD BLESS EM!!!
MICHEAL JACKSON AND LIONEL RICHIE ORGANIZED "WE ARE THE WORLD" ALONG WITH OTHER SINGERS IN 1985 IN THE "USA FOR AFRICA" RAISING MONEY FOR STARVING PEOPLE... BUT WHAT ABOUT HERE IN OUR OWN CITY? OUR OWN STATE? OUR OWN COUNTRY?
WE DON'T EVEN HAVE MANDATORY RECYCLING IN THE MAJOR CITIES IN THIS COUNTRY. WHAT ARE WE DOING TO CONSERVE ANYTHING FOR OUR CHILDREN?
THE POPULATION OF THE USA IS LIKE 7% OF THE WORLDS POPULATION, YET WE USE 33% OF THE RESOURCES USED UP IN THE WORLD EACH DAY.
NO WONDER WE ARE LOOKED AT AS THE ARROGANT AMERICANS... MAYBE WE SHOULD LOOK IN THE MIRROR... AND GO OMG!!!
FAT... WASTEFUL... JUDGMENTAL... PORN ADDICT... CHICKENSHIT!!!
GROW SOME BALLS... STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU WANT.. FOR WHO YOU ARE.. LIVE YOUR DREAMS... GO GET THEM... STOP WAITING ON THE WORLD TO BRING THEM TO YOU!!! CAUSE YOUR LIFE WILL PASS YOU BY AND YOUR DREAMS WILL MELT LIKE SPRING SNOW...
MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE TITLED THIS AFTER THE HEART SONG "TELL IT LIKE IT IS"
MAYBE I WRITING MORE TO MYSELF THAN ANYONE ELSE... EITHER WAY...
I HOPE IT STRIKES A CHORD WITH SOMEONE! IF IT PISSES YOU OFF.. WELL GOOD... THEN AT LEAST YOU GOT YOUR COALS STOKED TODAY! CAUSE I WANNA BE YOUR FRIEND... BUT I WANT YOU TO ALWAYS BE KNOWIN WHAT I THINK.. AND WHERE WE STAND!!!
al
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