So what is it that life is made up of? Is it our joys? Our pains?
Does it take so much of the latter to make the tapestry be sufficient to withstand the winds of time? I think sometimes I am so far off the path of where I had pictured myself at 37.
Maybe I never had a clear understanding of what that path was... I think for so many of my younger years I followed a path directed or laid out by someone else. What they thought was best for me...
Pain seems so ever-present. Like those we want to draw close to us only drift further and further away. And the more we stand for who we are the less they are near us. I think I am learning that this is because we do less to facilitate them and their needs, wants or causes.
We get used more often that we realize. Used as a stepping stone to climb higher on the ladder of success. Used to mooch off of to make it through till times are better then walk away. Always wanting something, but not really willing to give in return what was offered to them.
Sadly myself, I have had women do me the dirtiest. They have been the most vindictive. Most self centered, thoughtless people in my life. Don't get me wrong, I've been cut to the bone by the male species as well.
I guess I have a hard time knowing how people sleep at night. How they an feel good about themselves, some call themselves christian. It is really amazing how they an even look you in the eye after the things they do. I would be so ashamed I would hide and never show my face again if I acted like such a hypocrite. And yes if you are out there reading this, with guilt in your heart, God help you!!! God save your black soul, thus it be damned! (yes you, from my employer, for one) I believe that what is given is returned! and I have seen it happen in my lifetime... Sad, but real! Some of these people must have no conscience, no truth or honesty in them at all.
I have had my own family members use me for their own good. Maybe they don't mean to in forethought but they don't stop. Don't apologize. Never try to make a difference. They incorporate people into their lives who move the steadily away from their family. From those who love them most, who hold their secrets close. They think only of how they can improve on their own wants being met, what gets them their next fix. No they're not a drug addict, but they are just as addicted to things, that make them behave the way they do. Addiction like a sad sickness taking over their soul like a cancer.
I am sad tonight... moving only in a direction of what works for me. What feeds my soul? what do I focus and grasp to center myself in a spiritual depth. Cleansing my mind to give it peace. Finding what actions I take to reach synergy with the inner peace I know that is available. What people will no longer be a part of my life, what persons will be drawn to the closeness of peace! Scary, but necessary to survive in this world of pain and strife!
Peace to you all.
AL
Friday, April 25, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
These days...
I was in thought this morning... last night... layin in bed...
Got to wondering.
How is it that all of us gay men who decided to marry and try playin it straight, or who came out later in life ended up marryin the most bitter, decietful, evil women on the planet?
They all seem to be selfish, slobs, with some kinda of vendetta or agenda.
So many great guys I know have divorced and been taken to the cleaners by their exes. Hell, I managed to give everything to my ex for the sake of my kids. Then met a man, helped him build a beautiful life, come out to his family and build a successful business, and even he turned out to be a greedy, selfish, psychopath. It is like we are magnets to the pain...
Starting with childhood... abuse from parents, family members, adults around us. They prey upon us and somehow we get trapped in a cycle of relationships, friendships where we are used as a doormat. We learn to omit things rather than be honest, lie about our real thoughts, we hide our feelings, enternalize everything and many self destruct. I myself came close and am proud to say that I am a survivor!
I just become sad seeing people get used. I get angry when I get put upon, to this day! By people who think they have all the answers! They think they can go talking trash, telling you what is the best thing for you to do... HOLD UP! Walk a mile in my shoes! Live in this headspace! Feel my heart and the pain I have lived through! have done to you what I have had dome to me... Then we will talk! Till then, sweep your own doorstep honey! And make sure you know what is goin on at home before you go judging those around you!
Family: Now there's a topic we could talk on all day! Hell all week, all year!! Some are lucky enough to have family who accepts them as the person they are, and does not judge them. I am blessed to have two children who are in contact with me. They love me, and know that I love them more than anything! I have stayed connected to them, supported them and will continue to. I do not see them as much as I'd love to.. but that is ok... some people don't get to see theirs at all. So I am eternally grateful!! I was recently crucified for a blog i passed along to non-bloggers to read about how my kids have grown up so quickly, how times flies and it's amazing to see them grow. And about how I am sad to only see them for short amounts of time, how I'd love to see them for longer times if life permited it. It was totally taken out of context and seen as an attack on my ex. Go figure!! It was written with no malice, not directed at anyone.. was about a song I hear that day and an emotion it brought forward. Then, I got again lam-blasted by an in-law we will call him... for lack of a better politically correct term, about how dare I attack my Ex-wife. and all this BS about how I should be ashamed of myself for even saying such things... Again... outta context... was not directed at anyone. Funny thing was, the blog was about my personal feelings that day, emotions, that I sent to those I felt closest to. In sending it to my ex-wife and my brother-in-law... it was a step in my part to include them in a close knit network of people i hold dear to my heart. So I was reaching out in a way, to try to be closer. And instead I get 42 emails about what abad person I am... unreal!!
What really amazed me was that the "advice" I got on this was so reactive, and from someone who has so much left to deal with in their own life it is unbelieveable. Taking responsibility for your own actions is far more amirable! Like being man enough to care for ones health and the health of others. Going through life in a haphazzard manor and putting others people at risk because we as humans are too weak or too chickenshit to face our own fears is not acceptable!
I am sad because there are people close to me being less than responsible!
As for family, mine are no longer close. All that used to be a close knit unit is now a shell of what was. So many are trapped in the relics of religious bindings, so caught up in their beliefs they cannot see that their closest relatives have drifted away. Reality of life has made some of us evolve, while other remain stagnant in yesterday's way of living. Thinking if they only pray harder we will all return to the ship and live our life in the time warp with them. "The Good Ship" has sailed.. and they cannot see that they are left on a sinking island. So we move on, we live our lives, and we learn to let go. Because it is impossible to climb inside someones head, to give them the shot in the heart that they need to see the evolving world around them.
I think as I lay in bed thinking, I was overwhelmed with sadness. As it is so depressing that people cannot grasp that they are loved! that they have the opportunity in front of them to walk in sunshine.. move past fears, to let go of past pains, to grow to new heights... instead we hang on to old pains and rag them along with us like a dead horse we are sentenced to drag along each day. Accompanied by the stench and rotting smell of it reminding us.. "still here" "still weighing you down"!! People are so unable to share love... to see that we are capable os such great and might loves!! I guess I want to be like mother Theresa or Princess DI.. I wnat to show the world that there is Love, that there can be peace in our hearts. We only have to be bold enough, Brave enough!! to show it... to share it!! and not just with one! but many!!!
Are you brave enough? Are you bold enough? Are you willing to share love? Or are you self consumed? I know from experience when we love... it comes back many times over!!
Peace
AL
Got to wondering.
How is it that all of us gay men who decided to marry and try playin it straight, or who came out later in life ended up marryin the most bitter, decietful, evil women on the planet?
They all seem to be selfish, slobs, with some kinda of vendetta or agenda.
So many great guys I know have divorced and been taken to the cleaners by their exes. Hell, I managed to give everything to my ex for the sake of my kids. Then met a man, helped him build a beautiful life, come out to his family and build a successful business, and even he turned out to be a greedy, selfish, psychopath. It is like we are magnets to the pain...
Starting with childhood... abuse from parents, family members, adults around us. They prey upon us and somehow we get trapped in a cycle of relationships, friendships where we are used as a doormat. We learn to omit things rather than be honest, lie about our real thoughts, we hide our feelings, enternalize everything and many self destruct. I myself came close and am proud to say that I am a survivor!
I just become sad seeing people get used. I get angry when I get put upon, to this day! By people who think they have all the answers! They think they can go talking trash, telling you what is the best thing for you to do... HOLD UP! Walk a mile in my shoes! Live in this headspace! Feel my heart and the pain I have lived through! have done to you what I have had dome to me... Then we will talk! Till then, sweep your own doorstep honey! And make sure you know what is goin on at home before you go judging those around you!
Family: Now there's a topic we could talk on all day! Hell all week, all year!! Some are lucky enough to have family who accepts them as the person they are, and does not judge them. I am blessed to have two children who are in contact with me. They love me, and know that I love them more than anything! I have stayed connected to them, supported them and will continue to. I do not see them as much as I'd love to.. but that is ok... some people don't get to see theirs at all. So I am eternally grateful!! I was recently crucified for a blog i passed along to non-bloggers to read about how my kids have grown up so quickly, how times flies and it's amazing to see them grow. And about how I am sad to only see them for short amounts of time, how I'd love to see them for longer times if life permited it. It was totally taken out of context and seen as an attack on my ex. Go figure!! It was written with no malice, not directed at anyone.. was about a song I hear that day and an emotion it brought forward. Then, I got again lam-blasted by an in-law we will call him... for lack of a better politically correct term, about how dare I attack my Ex-wife. and all this BS about how I should be ashamed of myself for even saying such things... Again... outta context... was not directed at anyone. Funny thing was, the blog was about my personal feelings that day, emotions, that I sent to those I felt closest to. In sending it to my ex-wife and my brother-in-law... it was a step in my part to include them in a close knit network of people i hold dear to my heart. So I was reaching out in a way, to try to be closer. And instead I get 42 emails about what abad person I am... unreal!!
What really amazed me was that the "advice" I got on this was so reactive, and from someone who has so much left to deal with in their own life it is unbelieveable. Taking responsibility for your own actions is far more amirable! Like being man enough to care for ones health and the health of others. Going through life in a haphazzard manor and putting others people at risk because we as humans are too weak or too chickenshit to face our own fears is not acceptable!
I am sad because there are people close to me being less than responsible!
As for family, mine are no longer close. All that used to be a close knit unit is now a shell of what was. So many are trapped in the relics of religious bindings, so caught up in their beliefs they cannot see that their closest relatives have drifted away. Reality of life has made some of us evolve, while other remain stagnant in yesterday's way of living. Thinking if they only pray harder we will all return to the ship and live our life in the time warp with them. "The Good Ship" has sailed.. and they cannot see that they are left on a sinking island. So we move on, we live our lives, and we learn to let go. Because it is impossible to climb inside someones head, to give them the shot in the heart that they need to see the evolving world around them.
I think as I lay in bed thinking, I was overwhelmed with sadness. As it is so depressing that people cannot grasp that they are loved! that they have the opportunity in front of them to walk in sunshine.. move past fears, to let go of past pains, to grow to new heights... instead we hang on to old pains and rag them along with us like a dead horse we are sentenced to drag along each day. Accompanied by the stench and rotting smell of it reminding us.. "still here" "still weighing you down"!! People are so unable to share love... to see that we are capable os such great and might loves!! I guess I want to be like mother Theresa or Princess DI.. I wnat to show the world that there is Love, that there can be peace in our hearts. We only have to be bold enough, Brave enough!! to show it... to share it!! and not just with one! but many!!!
Are you brave enough? Are you bold enough? Are you willing to share love? Or are you self consumed? I know from experience when we love... it comes back many times over!!
Peace
AL
The clothesline
A POEM
A clothes line was a news forecast
To neighbors passing by.
There were no secrets you could keep
When clothes were hung to dry.
It also was a friendly link
For neighbors always knew
If company had stopped on by
To spend a night or two.
For then you'd see the 'fancy sheets'
And towels upon the line;
You'd see the 'company table cloths'
With intricate design.
The line announced a baby's birth
To folks who lived inside
As brand new infant clothes were hung
So carefully with pride.
The ages of the children could
So readily be known
By watching how the sizes changed
You'd know how much they'd grown.
It also told when illness struck,
As extra sheets were hung;
Then nightclothes, and a bathrobe, too,
Haphazardly were strung.
It said, 'Gone on vacation now'
When lines hung limp and bare.
It told, 'We're back!' when full lines sagged
With not an inch to spare.
New folks in town were scorned upon
If wash was dingy gray,
As neighbors carefully raised their brows,
And looked the other way...
But clotheslines now are of the past
For dryers make work less.
Now what goes on inside a home
Is anybody's guess.
I really miss that way of life.
It was a friendly sign
When neighbors knew each other best
By what hung on the line!
When I reieved this today, I had to share it.
It brought back so many childhood memories. Memories of my grandmother and the simpler, happier times on the ranch. When we'd play amoung the damp sheets. Ridin stick horses, and feeling the cool of the cloth on our skin in the summer heat. Beneath our clothesline was a huge patch of irises. In spring they bloomed a pale purple. They gave a faint fragrance to the sheets when they hung there to dry. At the end of the clothesline was a pine tree... I remember my grandmother telling how she found the little sapling uprooted where they were building the highway near our ranch. She brought it home and planted it... with tender care, it is now a tall stately pine tree. Our clothesline was near the garden in the back yard, where we would sit and shuck corn, or snap green beans to can. The sunset from that spot in the world was amazing... the most beautiful shades of orange and red... I miss those days! Life was simple, and I felt more love, more peace then than ever in my life... thank you Mama Jewell!!
I know you are there just on the other side mindful of my life here today!
Peace
AL
A clothes line was a news forecast
To neighbors passing by.
There were no secrets you could keep
When clothes were hung to dry.
It also was a friendly link
For neighbors always knew
If company had stopped on by
To spend a night or two.
For then you'd see the 'fancy sheets'
And towels upon the line;
You'd see the 'company table cloths'
With intricate design.
The line announced a baby's birth
To folks who lived inside
As brand new infant clothes were hung
So carefully with pride.
The ages of the children could
So readily be known
By watching how the sizes changed
You'd know how much they'd grown.
It also told when illness struck,
As extra sheets were hung;
Then nightclothes, and a bathrobe, too,
Haphazardly were strung.
It said, 'Gone on vacation now'
When lines hung limp and bare.
It told, 'We're back!' when full lines sagged
With not an inch to spare.
New folks in town were scorned upon
If wash was dingy gray,
As neighbors carefully raised their brows,
And looked the other way...
But clotheslines now are of the past
For dryers make work less.
Now what goes on inside a home
Is anybody's guess.
I really miss that way of life.
It was a friendly sign
When neighbors knew each other best
By what hung on the line!
When I reieved this today, I had to share it.
It brought back so many childhood memories. Memories of my grandmother and the simpler, happier times on the ranch. When we'd play amoung the damp sheets. Ridin stick horses, and feeling the cool of the cloth on our skin in the summer heat. Beneath our clothesline was a huge patch of irises. In spring they bloomed a pale purple. They gave a faint fragrance to the sheets when they hung there to dry. At the end of the clothesline was a pine tree... I remember my grandmother telling how she found the little sapling uprooted where they were building the highway near our ranch. She brought it home and planted it... with tender care, it is now a tall stately pine tree. Our clothesline was near the garden in the back yard, where we would sit and shuck corn, or snap green beans to can. The sunset from that spot in the world was amazing... the most beautiful shades of orange and red... I miss those days! Life was simple, and I felt more love, more peace then than ever in my life... thank you Mama Jewell!!
I know you are there just on the other side mindful of my life here today!
Peace
AL
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