Me... a sign...

• Capricorn







December 22 - January 19






You are not in the habit of talking without saying anything constructive, dear Capricorn. Sometimes some people even suspect you or accuse you of having nothing to say! When you are just being patient, they say that you are ignorant. When you are just demonstrating your tolerance, they say that you are indifferent. Today, it's time for those people to learn the real truth about you and understand just how much you have to say about the world.



I read these from time to time... Never actually look at them as something to live by, but more as something to remind us about what may be happening in our lives. If I end up with time to read mine, then that is most likely the day I was meant to read it. Today is one of those days! I often struggle with what I want to say.

That what is playing in my head never comes out the way I want it to sound. I refrain from saying things for fear I will offend by not getting it across with the right meaning. Or that I may hurt someone with my feelings or thoughts. Yet I live in a world where everyone says and does or doesn't say or do what is best for them without worry of it working for others.



Constructive sometimes can be things we need to work on, so they are not always things we want to hear. I can't say I am the best at hearing constructive criticism, but when I present it, I try to do it in an inclusive way. Where what needs to be worked on is something that can be shared...



Patience can be mistaken for ignorance... complacency or a lack of caring. Being patient with others as they work their life issues can be a trying effort, but the most rewarding one in life. Showing the ones we care about, or those who have no one to stand by them when their lives are askew, a bit of patience is something I strive to do each day. I cannot begin to say THANK YOU to those who have taken time to show patience with me as I grow as a person. I am still growing! So I would say we each need patience... daily....



Tolerance... Our world is so lacking in this area! We as a human race need desperately to embrace tolerance on every level of our daily living. We want so much to be accepted as a person, from early childhood, through our lives we struggle for acceptance. Tolerance is something I want to exemplify each and every day!



I hope that each of us take time to look at the things we are going through on this day, and consider those around us. Remember that we are not alone in the things we face on a daily basis. That by making time for others, by allowing room in our lives for evolution to change us, we have the opportunity to become a better person every day!



Peace to you all

AL

A Manifesto! The time has come!

As a person who has studied the bible, theology and was raised in a middle-American Christian home, served in many capacities in my church over the years & consider myself a spiritual person... I ask that you take time to read this as a heart-felt passing on of information that I have never felt stronger about than anything you have ever seen me post here on this blog.
The words of this straight Bishop are riveting...

A Manifesto! The Time Has Come!
I have made a decision. I will no longer debate the issue of homosexuality in the church with anyone. I will no longer engage the biblical ignorance that emanates from so many right-wing Christians about how the Bible condemns homosexuality, as if that point of view still has any credibility. I will no longer discuss with them or listen to them tell me how homosexuality is "an abomination to God," about how homosexuality is a "chosen lifestyle," or about how through prayer and "spiritual counseling" homosexual persons can be "cured." Those arguments are no longer worthy of my time or energy. I will no longer dignify by listening to the thoughts of those who advocate "reparative therapy," as if homosexual persons are somehow broken and need to be repaired. I will no longer talk to those who believe that the unity of the church can or should be achieved by rejecting the presence of, or at least at the expense of, gay and lesbian people. I will no longer take the time to refute the unlearned and undocumentable claims of certain world religious leaders who call homosexuality "deviant." I will no longer listen to that pious sentimentality that certain Christian leaders continue to employ, which suggests some version of that strange and overtly dishonest phrase that "we love the sinner but hate the sin." That statement is, I have concluded, nothing more than a self-serving lie designed to cover the fact that these people hate homosexual persons and fear homosexuality itself, but somehow know that hatred is incompatible with the Christ they claim to profess, so they adopt this face-saving and absolutely false statement. I will no longer temper my understanding of truth in order to pretend that I have even a tiny smidgen of respect for the appalling negativity that continues to emanate from religious circles where the church has for centuries conveniently perfumed its ongoing prejudices against blacks, Jews, women and homosexual persons with what it assumes is "high-sounding, pious rhetoric." The day for that mentality has quite simply come to an end for me. I will personally neither tolerate it nor listen to it any longer. The world has moved on, leaving these elements of the Christian Church that cannot adjust to new knowledge or a new consciousness lost in a sea of their own irrelevance. They no longer talk to anyone but themselves. I will no longer seek to slow down the witness to inclusiveness by pretending that there is some middle ground between prejudice and oppression. There isn't. Justice postponed is justice denied. That can be a resting place no longer for anyone. An old civil rights song proclaimed that the only choice awaiting those who cannot adjust to a new understanding was to "Roll on over or we'll roll on over you!" Time waits for no one. I will particularly ignore those members of my own Episcopal Church who seek to break away from this body to form a "new church," claiming that this new and bigoted instrument alone now represents the Anglican Communion. Such a new ecclesiastical body is designed to allow these pathetic human beings, who are so deeply locked into a world that no longer exists, to form a community in which they can continue to hate gay people, distort gay people with their hopeless rhetoric and to be part of a religious fellowship in which they can continue to feel justified in their homophobic prejudices for the rest of their tortured lives. Church unity can never be a virtue that is preserved by allowing injustice, oppression and psychological tyranny to go unchallenged. In my personal life, I will no longer listen to televised debates conducted by "fair-minded" channels that seek to give "both sides" of this issue "equal time." I am aware that these stations no longer give equal time to the advocates of treating women as if they are the property of men or to the advocates of reinstating either segregation or slavery, despite the fact that when these evil institutions were coming to an end the Bible was still being quoted frequently on each of these subjects. It is time for the media to announce that there are no longer two sides to the issue of full humanity for gay and lesbian people. There is no way that justice for homosexual people can be compromised any longer. I will no longer act as if the Papal office is to be respected if the present occupant of that office is either not willing or not able to inform and educate himself on public issues on which he dares to speak with embarrassing ineptitude. I will no longer be respectful of the leadership of the Archbishop of Canterbury, who seems to believe that rude behavior, intolerance and even killing prejudice is somehow acceptable, so long as it comes from third-world religious leaders, who more than anything else reveal in themselves the price that colonial oppression has required of the minds and hearts of so many of our world's population. I see no way that ignorance and truth can be placed side by side, nor do I believe that evil is somehow less evil if the Bible is quoted to justify it. I will dismiss as unworthy of any more of my attention the wild, false and uninformed opinions of such would-be religious leaders as Pat Robertson, James Dobson, Jerry Falwell, Jimmy Swaggart, Albert Mohler, and Robert Duncan. My country and my church have both already spent too much time, energy and money trying to accommodate these backward points of view when they are no longer even tolerable. I make these statements because it is time to move on. The battle is over. The victory has been won. There is no reasonable doubt as to what the final outcome of this struggle will be. Homosexual people will be accepted as equal, full human beings, who have a legitimate claim on every right that both church and society have to offer any of us. Homosexual marriages will become legal, recognized by the state and pronounced holy by the church. "Don't ask, don't tell" will be dismantled as the policy of our armed forces. We will and we must learn that equality of citizenship is not something that should ever be submitted to a referendum. Equality under and before the law is a solemn promise conveyed to all our citizens in the Constitution itself. Can any of us imagine having a public referendum on whether slavery should continue, whether segregation should be dismantled, whether voting privileges should be offered to women? The time has come for politicians to stop hiding behind unjust laws that they themselves helped to enact, and to abandon that convenient shield of demanding a vote on the rights of full citizenship because they do not understand the difference between a constitutional democracy, which this nation has, and a "mobocracy," which this nation rejected when it adopted its constitution. We do not put the civil rights of a minority to the vote of a plebiscite. I will also no longer act as if I need a majority vote of some ecclesiastical body in order to bless, ordain, recognize and celebrate the lives and gifts of gay and lesbian people in the life of the church. No one should ever again be forced to submit the privilege of citizenship in this nation or membership in the Christian Church to the will of a majority vote. The battle in both our culture and our church to rid our souls of this dying prejudice is finished. A new consciousness has arisen. A decision has quite clearly been made. Inequality for gay and lesbian people is no longer a debatable issue in either church or state. Therefore, I will from this moment on refuse to dignify the continued public expression of ignorant prejudice by engaging it. I do not tolerate racism or sexism any longer. From this moment on, I will no longer tolerate our culture's various forms of homophobia. I do not care who it is who articulates these attitudes or who tries to make them sound holy with religious jargon. I have been part of this debate for years, but things do get settled and this issue is now settled for me. I do not debate any longer with members of the "Flat Earth Society" either. I do not debate with people who think we should treat epilepsy by casting demons out of the epileptic person; I do not waste time engaging those medical opinions that suggest that bleeding the patient might release the infection. I do not converse with people who think that Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans as punishment for the sin of being the birthplace of Ellen DeGeneres or that the terrorists hit the United Sates on 9/11 because we tolerated homosexual people, abortions, feminism or the American Civil Liberties Union. I am tired of being embarrassed by so much of my church's participation in causes that are quite unworthy of the Christ I serve or the God whose mystery and wonder I appreciate more each day. Indeed I feel the Christian Church should not only apologize, but do public penance for the way we have treated people of color, women, adherents of other religions and those we designated heretics, as well as gay and lesbian people. Life moves on. As the poet James Russell Lowell once put it more than a century ago: "New occasions teach new duties, Time makes ancient good uncouth." I am ready now to claim the victory. I will from now on assume it and live into it. I am unwilling to argue about it or to discuss it as if there are two equally valid, competing positions any longer. The day for that mentality has simply gone forever. This is my manifesto and my creed. I proclaim it today. I invite others to join me in this public declaration. I believe that such a public outpouring will help cleanse both the church and this nation of its own distorting past. It will restore integrity and honor to both church and state. It will signal that a new day has dawned and we are ready not just to embrace it, but also to rejoice in it and to celebrate it.
– John Shelby Spong

As a child I was taught to love God & to fear God, to give reverence for the power that his deity manifests in our everyday life. To give thanks in all things, to follow the golden rule. To love my neighbor as myself and to give, even if it was the shirt from my own back. Many of my family members & forefathers have given their version of living out in example to the best of their ability what it meant to be a true Christian. I once met a woman who was born with her sight, but went blind as an adult, she prayed and asked God to give her back her sight so that she might be a better minister for his service. She told of how this happened... and how she had her sight for 7 years, 7 months & 7 days, & then she woke one morning to find she was blind again. In her hour of despair she discovered that her ability to be “in tune” with her spiritual self was at its peak when she was blind... She told me this story when I was but 11 years old. And was struggling from great loss in my life. She told me, “Now is the time to see the world without boundaries, to Love without prejudice & never focus on what you don’t have, but find strength in what you do, for with this you will find power like that of a thousand warriors”. When I received the attached email by Bishop/Author, John Shelby Spong, I was reminded of her words. And I am standing with Bishop Spong in my beliefs, based in my years of studying the bible & theology, searching out my soul’s salvation, years spent as a church member, youth pastor, choir director and many other positions within the church I was raised in. The same church that as an organization excommunicated myself & many others over the years of my life based in their so-called God given instructions to maintain a correct moral order in the church. The time has passed for those types behaviors to be considered acceptable.
The time has come for the world to know & see the “TRUE” love of God manifested.
Love & peace to you all...
Al Glover

Yearly Checkup!!

Its that time again......

It's time for your annual "Am I Gay?" Self-Examination


1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay.
It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent
the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah
diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but
gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a
delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And
just think
about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over
here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to
daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on
Bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet,
or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and
undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking
lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his
bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in
the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard, strong, black, and full aroma. A
straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim"
and
he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've
had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of
dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real
man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as
well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL,
college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know
what a "fre ssier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile
other than denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to
tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a
slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that
hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play
with his honey in the passenger seat.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay,
oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman
who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by
yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous
homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out
too.

Disturbia

Have you ever given any thot to how close to the edge of sanity we all live? Are we safely sane... or is there a fine line that teeters nearby as we speed along life's highway? Like a cliff, ready for us to make the wrong turn, or travel just a bit too fast and go speeding over the edge. One can even wonder if through all the shit life throws at us, if we momentarily hang out over the edge of said cliff. Like a bird flying or the darting of the frogs tongue...
So we go through life looking, sorting through the "stuff" we've been given to deal with. Our baggage if you would. Our childhood, littered with memories of our favorite things, but sometimes erie with bad things that happened to us. Leaving scars that we have to deal with. the teen years when we wanted to be an adult but were not, yet many of us were doing adult-like things. These leave twisted edges on our minds and our memories. They distort our ability to keep track of time, and where things fit in the boxes of when they happened.
Then we jump off into relationships... we tend to connect with someone who seems to understand us. But ultimately we find that we are attracted to people because we need something from each other. This is where expectations are established. Then when not fulfilled, that relationship is tossed aside to move on to the next. As we navigate through our life growing into our experiences, we meet new challenges. We find those who can help us along the way. make friends, some of who have the best of intentions. they get sidetracked, they get selfish. it becomes less fun than we remembered so we move on. Great people come into our lives! We fall in love, we get hurt. We grow! learn about ourselves and the fabric we are made of... we cautiously refocus and move ahead, onward, upward! And if we pay attention we take the lessons to heart! otherwise we only settle to whine about what others have done to us all our lives and never take any responsibility for our own actions. This is when it becomes so easy to pick everyone around us apart about how they are doing everything wrong when really we are only trying to draw attention away from our own issues. All the while we are dishing out vile treatment to the ones we love, hurting them, belittling them, destroying them.
If we are lucky, we meet a soulmate in this world. someone who is a best friend and a lover. Who you can be yourself, no matter how low or how high you are... the person that knows the darkest secrets and still loves you. who helps you drag those skeletons to the curb and break em to bits.
And the one who loves you like no other ever loves you! The reality to this is that the soul mate then is the closest, and the ones closest end up hurting us the most. it is true! Not because they mean to, not because they set out to, but because they are fallible. They are human just like we are... yet somehow we expect them to be without fault. We have in our head, that the soul mate will never say or do anything that hurts us. But they know the truth about us! they know the person we really are. And they are most likely the only one brave enough to tell us the truth. And the cold hard truth is what we really need to hear. We will not grow unless we do... sadly when we do hear it, we feel pain. We will most likely retaliate. And unless there is an ability to act like adults, to think clearly and be rational, a power struggle starts.

I saw the most profound billboard when I was in WV for my daughter's Grad.
WHEN THE POWER OF LOVE IS GREATER THAN THE LOVE OF POWER,
THERE WILL BE PEACE, EVERYWHERE!!!

That will forever stick with me! In fact one day, I may have it tattooed on my body!
Because this truly says it all... when we stop to think that so much craziness in this world is all about power. it is really true! In our relationships, we get in a power struggle to see who is right... who knows best! Trouble is neither party really knows shit! all they know is the experiences they have been through that have shaped their minds, and then they compare the person in front of them to those people in the past. WOW! That's helpful... so let me dissect you and tell you how you hurt me, how you make me feel used, put upon, because I know these feelings! I know them, cause, Mommie, and auntie Laquisha, and uncle comb over all made me have these feelings when I was a kid! And I can't handle this because that one friend i had made me feel used and abused cause I let them in, so now I am settin you beside her, and I see similarities... DAMN! Do we not see we are destroying the people who love us by draggin all this shit along with us. when do we ever let go of any of that and decide I want to be well! I want to have a relationship now! I don't care if my soulmate has similarities to things in my past, that doesn't take away the love we share! that doesn't take away the good communication we are capable of... unless I bury it in drama! When I decide to give love a chance, then my life changes! I know this because I live it! being loved like no other, like never before is amazing! but it does not take away the fact that the two people in love with each other are less than perfect. that they are still going to make mistakes.. and need forgiveness. Words will be spoken in haste that each one will say sorry for...They are going to face new issues as time and factors of life evolve. If we think for a moment we can have it remain the same forever then that is a fantasy! there are so many factors involved. And yes our pasts will always play a part... but they don't have to destroy it! and we don't have to be so buried in little things that we lose sight of the whole picture... I think we forget to appreciate what we have! Get so caught up in our own personal drama that we forget to appreciate the other party. That is sad! I want to always take time to be grateful for the love I share! For the moments to be cherished... I want to build memories, share adventures, and love! Love with all my heart... Every day!! for that is what my soulmate deserves! and that is the kind of man I want to be....

Peace to you all
AL

Believing again

Today I believe in Life! I believe in love, I believe in Hope...
I believe the when we trust and move forward that what we put out there will come back to us!
So many times in our lives we lose track of the goal.. the path...
We get off focus and get bogged down with what is happening in the moment.
I am today believing in the now & in the tomorrow!
We all need to remind ourselves sometimes that we are just human.
And when we are able to look at ourselves in the light of day,
To look in the mirror and accept our own humanity,
Then we are able to stop judging ourselves & focus on the goal.
Focus on the positive and move onward and upward!
I trust today that you can join me in loving yourself!
Trusting in yourself & believe in the hope of the future!!

Peace to you all!!
AL

LEARNING ABOUT MYSELF...

I AM LEARNING MORE ABOUT MYSELF EVERY DAY... BUT THE ONE THING I AM LEARNING IS THAT LIFE DOES NOT GET ANY EASIER. ONE WOULD THINK THAT AS WE PROGRESS DOWN THE PATH LEARNING LESSONS AND GROWING THAT IT WOULD GET EASIER. BUT IT SEEMS WE ARE FACED WITH A NEW CHALLENGE, A NEW TURN IN THE PATH WITH EACH NEW WAKING DAY. MAYBE THIS IS WHAT KEEPS US GOING, I TEND TO THINK IT IS ALSO WHAT WEARS US DOWN.
I HAVE ALWAYS STRUGGLED WITH MY INNER SELF. MY SELF IMAGE, AND WHO I SHOULD BE. I THINK IT COMES FROM NOT HAVING A GOOD EXAMPLE SET IN FRONT OF ME AS A YOUNG PERSON. BEING TAUGHT TO FOLLOW BLINDLY IN A RELIGIOUS WORLD AND LISTEN TO THE TEACHING OF A MAN, WHO IS ALSO FALLABLE. SO WHEN THOSE LEADERS FAILED IN MY YOUNG EYES, I SAW THAT THERE WAS NO TRUE DIRECTION THERE, AND WENT SEARCHING FOR MY OWN. MANY OF THE CHOICES MADE WERE MISGUIDED. DIRECTED BY PEER PRESSURE AND WHAT I BELIVED AT THE TIME TO THE BEST THING. THIS EFFECT WAS GREATLY A PART OF MY LIFE EVEN UP TO AND THROUGH MY FIRST THREE SIGNIFICANT RELATIONSHIPS. ONE AS A YOUNG MAN IN HIGH SCHOOL. ONE BEING MY MARRIAGE OF 7 YEARS AND THEN WHERE IT HAD THE GREATEST EFFECT PROBABLY WAS ME COMING OUT. WHO WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE? WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE? WHAT WAS APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR? WHAT SHOULD I BECOME A PART OF IN ORDER TO FIT IN... I HAVE NEVER BEEN ONE TO LIKE BEING LABLED OR CORNERED INTO ONE GROUP. MAYBE THIS WAS A DEFIANCE OR MAYBE IT WAS DUE TO MY YOUNG YEARS OF BEING RESTRICTED. SO I WANTED TO LEAVE THE DOORS AND WINDOWS OPEN FOR WHATEVER WAS AVAILABLE. TRYING TO NOT MISS ANYTHING... I THINK IT WAS OVERWHELMING AND ONLY ADDED TO MY CONFUSION. WHO WAS I?

I WAS AND STILL AM THE GUY WHO IS ABLE TO ACCEPT MOST ANYONE. I TRY TO EMBRACE WHATEVER SOMEONE IS GOING THROUGH IN THEIR LIFE AND BE A HELP. THIS LED TO ME HAVING RELATIONSHIPS WITH PEOPLE WHO WERE “PROJECTS” WITHOUT ME REALIZING IT UNTIL I WAS COMPLETELY COMMITED AND IN LOVE WITH THEM, I WOULD FIND MYSELF WITH SOMEONE WHO NEEDED SOMEONE TO HOLD THEIR HAND WHILE THEY GREW AS A PERSON. MAYBE IT WAS BECAUSE THEIR FAMILY DIDN’T ACCPET THEM. MAYBE IT WAS BECAUSE THEY HAD SIMULAR DREAMS AS ME, OR THAT THEY WERE SO TALENTED BUT NEEDED SOMEONE TO ENCOURAGE THEM TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP TO GO FIND THEIR SUCCESS IN THE WORLD. THEY WERE TRAPPED IN A SITUATION WHERE THEY NEEDED TO BE ABLE TO DREAM, AND ME BEING THE DREAMER THAT I AM, I COULD TEACH THEM IT WAS OK TO DREAM! TO REACH FOR THE STARS! IN DOING THIS... I FOUND MYSELF GIVING, WHICH I LOVE TO DO. BUT IN TIME I FOUND I WAS HOLDING AN EMPTY BUCKET. LIKE I WAS SCRAPEING THE BUCKET’S BOTTOM TILL MY NAILS BLED. TRYING TO GIVE MORE... REACHING FOR THE NEXT THING TO SAY, TO ENCOURAGE, TRYING TO BE THE NEXT POLE TO PROP THEM UP IN LIFES WILD WINDS OF CHANGE. SOMEHOW I HAD FORGOTTEN TO RECHARGE MY OWN BATTERIES... I HAD TO CHANGE THAT.

MORE THAN ONCE I HAVE HAD TO START OVER. BASICALLY FEELING I WAS BACK AT THAT STARTING SQUARE ON THE GAME BOARD. ABOUT TO ROLL THE DICE TO SEE WHAT IS THE NEXT MOVE, WHAT LIFE HAD TO OFFER. WHAT IS MY NEXT ADVENTURE. SHARING LIFE IS AN ADVENTURE OF GIVE AND TAKE. AND I LOVE THAT! IT WORKS AS LONG AS YOU FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET THROUGH THE ROUGH TIMES AS WELL AS THE GOOD ONES. SOMETIMES IT IS HARD, TO KEEP FROM BEING JUDGEMENTAL AND JUST LOVE... TO BE CONSTRUCTIVE AT ALL TIMES IS AN ART AND ONE THAT REQUIRES A GREAT DEAL OF EXPERIENCE AND I DON’T THINK ANY OF US ACTUALLY EVER REALLY MASTER IT. WE FORGET THAT THE PERSON WE ARE SHARING LIFE WITH IS HUMAN, THAT THEY ARE FULL OF EMOTION AND MAKE MISTAKES, HAVE PAIN AND A PAST JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER HUMAN ON EARTH.

WE ARE ON A PATH... IT HAS VALLEYS AND IT HAS HILLS. EACH ONE IS AN ACCOMPLISHMENT. THERE IS MUCH TO BE LEARNED FROM EACH ONE. WHETHER WE ARE ALONE OR SHARING THE PATH WITH SOMEONE THERE WILL BE PAIN. PERSONALLY I WOULD RATHER SHARE THE PATH AND THE PAIN WITH SOMEONE. EVEN IF IT MEANS I AM SUBJECTED TO SOME OF THEIR PAINS. ULTIMATELY THEY WILL HURT ME. AND I THEM... IT MATTERS NOT HOW HARD WE TRY NOT TO, IT JUST HAPPENS. I HATE MYSELF MOST WHEN I HURT THE ONES I LOVE, AND I FEEL LIKE A FOOL. I RETALIATE FOR SOMETHING THAT IS SAID OR DONE. I REACT, WHICH IS A CHARACTORISIC I HAVE WORKED SO HARD TO DISMANTLE. BUT SOMETIMES IT'S LIKE A PIN PRICK, SOMETHING HAPPENS AND WE GET POKED, SO WE CRY OUT IN PAIN. SOMETIMES THINGS HAPPEN THAT BRING BACK THINGS FROM OUR PAST. THIS BRINGS US BACK IN TIME IN AN INSTANT. WE RESPOND AS IF WE WERE THAT HURT CHILD THAT WE ONCE WERE. THIS I REALLY DISLIKE.. BUT IT SEEMS THAT IT WILL ALWAYS BE WITH ME. A PART OF MY BEING THAT EVEN THOUGH I WORK THRU LAYERS, SET ASIDE PIECES, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SOMETHING THERE TO DEAL WITH. BEHAVIORS IN MYSELF I NEED TO WORK ON... AFTER YEARS OF THERAPY, I REALISE I HAVE PROBABLY ONLY SCRATCHED THE SURFACE OF WHAT LIES WITHIN. STILL I WONDER, WHY ARE WE AS HUMANS SO QUICK TO JUDGE. SO QUICK TO GIVE UP ON LOVE. WE OFTEN SAY LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. WHEN I WONDER, HAVE WE EVEN GIVEN LOVE CHANCE? OR ARE WE RESERVING OURSELF TO OUR OPINIONS WHICH ARE WEIGHTED WITH LACK OF TRUST, HURT FROM PAST, INSECURITIES, AND THE FACT THAT WE KNOW IN OUR HEART THAT WE ARE JUST AS FUCKED UP AS THE PERSON WE ARE IN LOVE WITH. YET WE CANNOT LET THAT BE KNOWN. FOR IF WE LET THAT BE KNOWN THEN WE HAVE SOMEHOW LOWERED OURSELF TO THEIR LEVEL, MADE OURSELF VULNERABLE. SO ULTIMATELY WE GO ON THROUGH LIFE SEARCHING FOR SOMETHING MORE PERFECT, SOMETHING MORE FULFILLING TO MATCH OURSELVES TO WHEN WE HAVE NOT DEALT WITH THE DEMONS INSIDE THAT HAS JUST ROBBED US OF THE BEST THING WE HAVE EVER ENCOUNTERED.
I BELIEVE IN LOVE... I HAVE SEEN WHAT LOVE CAN DO. MY GRANDMOTHER TAUGHT ME SO LONG AGO TO NEVER, NEVER GIVE UP ON LOVE. WHAT SHE FORGOT TO TEACH ME WAS TO LOVE MYSELF FIRST. THAT WAS LOST IN THAT RELIGIOUS LIFE THAT WAS DOWNTRODDEN AND ALL ABOUT SHAME. ALWAYS TAUGHT TO GIVE ONES SELF... LAY ONES SELF LIKE A CLOTH ON THE GROUND TO BE WALKED ON, OR A PALM BRANCH FOR THE GREATER GOOD. IT WAS NEVER HER INTENTION TO HAVE ME FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT MYSELF... NOR WAS IT HER INTENTION FOR ME TO GO THROUGH SOME OF THE THINGS I WENT THRU AS A KID AFTER HER HORRIFIC DEATH ON OUR RANCH. BUT SOMEHOW I HAVE LIVED, HAUNTED WITH AN IMAGE I SAW IN THE MIRROR THAT WAS NOT ACTUAL TRUTH. I HAVE ALWAYS SEEN SOMETHING LOOKING BACK AT ME THAT WAS UGLY. SCARRED, AND THAT NEEDED WORK. THAT WAS NOT LIKE THE BEAUTY THAT I SAW AROUND ME. SOMETHING I WAS ASHAMED OF! THAT I NEEDED TO CHANGE, TO FIX & CREATE A STORY TO GO WITH IT TO MAKE IT BE MORE ATTRACTIVE. SOMETHING THAT IF IT WAS NOT EMBELISHED, WOULD BE LIKE THE TIRED OLD WHEELBARROW THAT I USED TO PUSH THROUGH THE SMELLY CHICKEN BARNS ON OUR FRAM FEEDING THOUSANDS OF CHICKENS. AND WHEN I WAS DONE, IT SAT IDLY COLLECTING DUST, OR RUSTING. PLAIN, UTILITARY AND UNASSUMING... WHEN I SAY THAT OUT LOUD, THE REPSONSE COMES BACK... OH HOW SILLY! OH YOU KNOW BETTER! BUT WHEN I LOOK IN THAT MIRROR THE NEXT MORNING, THERE STANDS THAT PLAIN, AVERAGE ONE THAT NO ONE WOULD PICK OUT OF A CROWD. THAT ONE THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN A LITTLE TOO HEAVY, THAT NEVER HAD PECS, THAT LOST HIS HAIR AT 21, THAT STARTED GETTING THAT FINE LAYER OF CARPET-LIKE BODY HAIR AT 14 AND WAS MADE FUN OF IN SCHOOL FOR BEING THE HAIRY MONSTER. THERE STANDS THAT ONE THAT FOR SOME REASON WAS MADE FUN OF IN SCHOOL BECAUSE I SHOWED UP IN CLEAN CLOTHES AND LOOKED LIKE I WAS DRESSED FOR SCHOOL NOT TO GO HANG OUT IN AN ALLEY AND SMOKE DOPE. OR WAS THE “FAG” BECAUSE I WORE PLEATED PANTS TO SCHOOL INSTEAD OF THE WRANGLERS THAT EVERYONE ELSE WORE, THE SAME ONES I WORE TO WORK IN EVERY DAY ON THE RANCH. THERE STANDS THAT ONE IN THE MIRROR WHO WHEN I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT GIRL AND WAS GETTING MARRIED, HER BROTHERS SAID “ WHY ARE YOU MARRYING THE GAY BOY?” BECAUSE I DIDN’T WEAR CAMO AND GO HUNTING. IN THE MIRROR IS THE MAN WHO CAME HOME AND CLEANED UP BEHIND HIS SLACKER WIFE AFTER WORKING TWO JOBS SO SHE COULD STAY HOME WITH THE TWO KIDS. PILES OF LAUNDRY, DIRTY DISHES EVERYWHERE... BUT HE WAS THE BAD FATHER AND HUSBAND WHO WAS NEVER HOME...
JUDGEMENT.. SO EASILY SERVED. PASSED ON TO THOSE WHO DO NOT FIT THE PROFILE NOR THE PATTERN THAT MAKES EVERYONE ELSE FEEL GOOD. I KNOW THAT I HAVE THINGS TO WORK ON BUT THERE IS NOT A PERSON ON THE EARTH WHO DOESN’T. WHY DO WE HAVE PEOPLE LIKE DR PHIL WHO ARE MILLIONARES TODAY... BECAUSE WE LIVE IN A FUCKED UP WORLD. WHERE WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER PRESSURE TO BE SOMETHING, DO SOMETHING, SUCCEED AT SOMETHING. AND THE TRUTH IS THAT I WANT TO! I WANT TO BE A BETTER PERSON. I HAVE GROWN MORE IN THE PAST 6 YEARS OF MY LIFE THAN PROBABLY THE REST OF MY LIFE COMBINED... AND I OWE A LOT OF THAT TO BEING LOVED AND ACCEPTED BY A MAN WHO HAS THE GUTS TO LOVE ME EVEN THOUGH I AM MOST DAYS MORE OF A MESS THAN HAVING IT TOGETHER. I BELIEVE THAT WHEN WE ARE LOVED THAT WE ARE ABLE TO GROW AND AS WE EVOLVE AS A PERSON, WE WORK THE CRINKLES OUT OF THE FABRIC. SLOWLY WE BECOME MORE CLEAR ABOUT WHO WE ARE, AND WE ARE ABLE TO LET GO OF THINGS THAT HAVE HELD US BACK. I KNOW THAT I HAVE LET GO OF SO MUCH PAIN. I HAVE HAD ANGER IN MY LIFE. ABOUT MY PAST, ABOUT ABUSE, ABOUT THINGS DONE TO ME... AND I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO LET THAT GO... AT TIMES I HAVE FLARE UPS... ESPECIALLY WHERE IT PERTAINS TO ONE PERSON IN MY YOUTH WHO SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY TEACHER AND MY LEADER, BUT INSTEAD WAS MY BIGGEST DAMAGE CAUSER. THESE THINGS SCAR US... THEY LEAVE DEEP UGLY BLACK PLACES IN US... AND OVER TIME THEY HEAL. THINGS WE GO THRU FROM TIME TO TIME BRING THEM TO THE SURFACE, OR A SCAB GETS PULLED LOSE AND WE HAVE TO TOSS THAT AWAY AFTER THE PAIN SUBSIDES. LOVE, ACCEPTANCE AND GUIDANCE IS NEEDED FOR THOSE TIMES. I AM GRATEFUL FOR HAVING THAT! WE HEAR THE SAYING “ THAT WHICH DOES NOT KILL ME MAKES ME STRONGER” AND I SUPPOSE THAT IS TRUE. BUT THERE IS RECOVERY TIME... WHEN AN INJURY OCCURS YOU DO NOT HOP RIGHT UP AND “BECOME STRONGER” WHEN WE GO THRU THINGS WE HAVE TO EVOLVE. TO DIGEST... TO LEARN... I FOR ONE AM HARD HEADED AND HAVE TO LET THINGS SINK IN... I AM ALSO A.D.D. AND GET SO CONFUSED.. I TRY TO TALK AND MY HEAD RUNS FASTER THAN MY MOUTH WILL SPIT IT OUT. I FORGET THINGS... I TALK TOO MUCH... I INTERUPT LIKE A BAD CHILD.. WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING WHAT I AM DOING... I TRY TO EXPLAIN MYSELF AND ALL I DO IS GET MYSELF IN A MESS OF CONFUSION... AND BECOME EMOTIONAL... THAT IS A TRAIT I INHERITED FROM MY MOTHER... AND ONE I DISLIKE MORE THAN ANYTHING!! I WORK AT NOT BEING SO EMOTIONAL!

TRUTH IS THAT WHEN WE FALL IN LOVE EMOTION IS THERE. EVERY DAY. AND WHEN THINGS ARE GOING AS WE WANT THEM TO, WE MOVE ALONG IN A PEACEFUL MODE. AND WHEN WE GO THRU THE TIMES IN LIFE WHERE EVOLUTION IS OCCURING AND WE ARE TRIMMING AWAY THE THINGS THAT ARE NOT SO REFINED IT BRINGS US TO PLACES WHERE ROUGH EDGES GET HONED DOWN. THIS IS WHERE LOVE GETS TESTED. WHERE YOU FIND WHAT THE OTHER ONE IS REALLY MADE OF... AND WHO YOUR REAL FRIENDS ARE. WHETHER IN A RELATIONSHIP OR JUST DEALING WITH THE EVERY DAY GRIND OF LIFE, IT’S WHERE THE RUBBER MEETS THE ROAD. THANK GOD I HAVE HAD THERAPY TO HELP ME THOUGH MANY OF THE PERIODS IN MY LIFE OR I MIGHT NOT BE HERE TODAY. AS WELL AS AT TIMES GETTING SO LOW THAT HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR A FRIEND WHO CAME AND FORCED ME TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT MY ISSUES, I WOULD HAVE SUCCOMBED TO THEM AND BEEN FOREVER LOST. THESE ARE THE TIMES WHEN I WONDER IF WE REALLY SEE WHAT IS GOING ON AROUND US. OR DO WE SOMEHOW WITHDRAW INTO A PLACE THAT ONLY ALLOWS US TO SEE WITH TUNNEL VISION. DO I ONLY SEE MY PROBLEMS? AM I ONLY ABLE TO SEE HOW I AM BEING HURT? DO I NOT REALISE HOW MY RESPONSES ARE HURTING THE ONES AROUND ME MORE THAN I CAN IMAGINE. AND WHEN I REACT OR RETALIATE IS IT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE CUT OF THE TONGUE CAN CAUSE IRREPAIRABLE DAMAGE. SEARING THE MIND WITH HARSH WORDS THAT FOREVER CUT US TO THE CORE. BECAUSE IN THESE TIMES, IF WE DID NOT LOVE, WOULD WE LY AWAKE ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT IN TURMOIL? IF WE DID NOT WANT TO CHANGE AND BE A BETTER PARTNER, SON, DAUGHTER, HUSBAND, WIFE... WOULD WE CRY TILL WE MAKE OURSELVES SICK OVER THE PERSON WHO HAS JUST HURT US SO BADLY? WOULD WE KEEP TRYING TO LOVE SOMEONE WHO REFUSES TO GET HELP WITH PAIN AND ISSUES THAT WERE BROUGHT TO THE RELATIONSHIP OR FRIENDSHIP, AND ULTIMATELY WERE NOT OUR FAULT. BUT BY BEING WITH THAT PERSON WE HAVE DECIDED IN OUR COMMITMENT TO TAKE ON WHATEVER COMES WITH THAT PERSON WE ARE IN LOVE WITH! YOU SEE WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE, YOU LOVE ALL THEIR PARTS. WE ARE EACH LIKE A DIAMOND WITH MANY FACETS. CUTS THAT MAKE US SHINE OR MAKE US DULL. AND WHEN WE MAKE A COMMITMENT TO SOMEONE WE ARE MAKING A COMMITMENT TO ALL OF THEM... WE DO NOT GET TO LEAVE SOME OF THOSE THINGS OUT. THAT WOULD BE LIKE SAYING, OH I WILL BUY THE USED CAR, BUT I REALLY WOULD LIKE TO LEAVE THE CRACKED WINDSHIELD AND STAINS IN THE CARPET, AS WELL AS THE CRACKS IN THE LEATHER HERE AT THE DEALERSHIP!! Sorry!!! JUST NOT THE WAY IT WORKS. IT’S A WHOLE PACKAGE... THIS IS WHERE THAT PART OF LOVE IS PATIENT, LOVE IS KIND... COMES IN... BECAUSE IT REALLY IS TRUE. AND IF YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO TRY AND WORK WITH THE WHOLE PACKAGE THEN YOU MAY NEED TO BE ALONE BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS... WE MAY ASK OURSELVES WHAT WE DESERVE? I HAVE ASKED MYSELF.. WHAT DO I DESERVE? I AM NOT SURE... BUT I THINK I DESERVE THE SAME LOVE I GIVE... THE UNCONDITIONAL, FORGIVING LOVE THAT LOOKS AT LIFE AND REALISES THAT I AM A HUMAN. AND SO IS EVERY PERSON THAT I HAVE LOVED... THAT THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PERFECTION. AND THAT I HAVE ISSUES AND SO DOES EVERY OTHER HUMAN WHO BREATHES AIR. SOMEONE SAYS “OH I HAVE BAGGAGE”... AND SO WHAT... THAT’S LIKE SAYING YOU HAVE EYEBALLS!! GET REAL! IF YOU ARE OLDER THAN THE NEWBORN IN BIRTHING ROOM... YOU HAVE BAGGAGE!!
SO IT’S NOT SO MUCH ABOUT HAVING IT BUT HOW YOU CARRY IT... GRACEFULLY... OR PUSHING IT PILED HIGHER THAN UR HEAD ON THE CART OF LIFE, PILED SO HIGH IN FRONT OF YOU THAT YOU CAN’T SEE WHERE YOU ARE GOING FOR HAVING IT STACKED IN UR WAY! OR MAYBE YOU LEAVE YOURS UNATTENDED IN LIFE'S AIRPORT WHILE YOU RUN ABOUT HELPING EVERYONE ELSE CARRY THEIRS, OR SORT THEIR DIRTY LAUNDRY WHEN THE ZIPPER BREAKS ON THEIR BAGGAGE.... SO IF YOU STAY BUSY POINTING OUT EVERYONE ELSES BAD LUGGAGE, OR HELPING THEM SIFT THRU THEIRS... YOU NEVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOURS! CONVENIENT? NO SAD... BECAUSE WITHOUT YOUR LUGGAGE YOU WILL ARRIVE AT A PIVOTAL MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE AND NOT BE PREPARED TO DEAL WITH WHAT YOU FACE. I KNOW THIS.. BECAUSE I HAVE DONE IT...

AS I HAVE LEARNED MORE AND MORE ABOUT MYSELF...I SEEM TO LEARN THAT THERE IS SOMETHING NEW AND SOMETHING MORE THAT I NEED TO LEARN. SOMETHING I NEED TO WORK ON. I HAVE NOT ARRIVED, BUT ONLY HAVE MOVED TO THE NEXT STEP. WHICH ALLOWS ME TO SEE MORE THINGS ABOUT MYSELF THAT NEED WORK. AS A FATHER, AS A SON, AS A PARTNER, AS A FRIEND, I WANT TO BE BETTER AT LISTENING, AT BEING THE PERSON WHO ACCEPTS WITHOUT JUDGEMENT, WHO GIVES OF MYSELF FOR THE GREATER CAUSE. TO BE THE SUPPORT TO THE PEOPLE I LOVE... TO GIVE RESPECT... BUT MOST OF ALL I WANT TO BE THE BEST ME THAT I CAN BE.. FOR MYSELF. I HAVE A LOT OF WORK ON MYSELF...
BUT I AM EXCITED TO GROW.. TO LEARN... AND BE A BETTER PERSON!
I MAY NEED YOUR HELP...

PEACE TO YOU ALL
AL

Sometimes they make you cry...

I started writing this a couple weeks ago or so... and never posted it. So today I wanted to finish it...

You pass through this life... things move so quickly. You hold that tiny baby in your arms one day and seems that the next day they are graduating from school. so many times you have tried to tell them how much you love them, to warn them of things that could cause them pain.
Yet they must really learn from their own experience, from their own falling down and getting up. You pray each day they remember some part you told them... tears are there for you know they feel pain, hardship.

You meet that special one... the one who moves you. Touches you deeply, loves you differently than ever. You struggle to put away the fears of your past, to allow love to grow anew! You watch them amoungst others, their actions, their differences in beliefs and opinions... tears are there because some of those things hurt. But you put them aside for the good... learning about yourself that you too react poorly to things and maybe are not as mature as you once thought. Or that the pains of past are not gone away... the real truth is that when you know real love, you are able to speak your mind. Even when you differ on things.. learning to talk them out and be honest makes your life rich! Their touch, their voice becomes your peace! The safe place to be near when life is rolling like a rough sea...

The people who should love you without condition... those cause you most pain. Bring most tears. the expectations, the disapproval. The lack of excitement when your life makes the move to the next plateau. Maybe we struggle to get to the next level because we never feel smart enough, good enough, worthy enough... These are the people who engrained this in us... So we struggle through this all our lives to overcome who we were taught to be, and become who we should have been allowed to be so long ago!

Sometimes we see something, or hear something... that brings us tears. A play, a song.. a comment made in haste by someone who doesn't know what you deal with. The memories can be so deep.. so painful... so intense... so unexplainable!! These can bring the tears.. the deep inner tears, that our soul cries. The ones we cannot dry, or subside by buryin our face in the pillow...

Just remember... all of these things are not bad.. just because they make us cry... for washing our windows cleanses the soul!

Peace,
AL

Fast Track

It's been a long time since I have blogged...
Amazing how time flies! Does it ever seem to you that we are on some fast track through life?
That everything is moving at the speed of light...
I turned 38 in January. What an amazing Birthday!
Robb surprised me with a PS3 and blue ray movies. An amazing Red velvet cake, my grandmother's recipe. Dinner at Cyclone Anayas with friends... He's Amazing!

This year my daughter graduates from high school... that will put perspective on age for you.
Eighteen years ago I was just a kid when we brought her home in an ice storm. We were no more than kids ourselves.
There is so much of her life I have not been a part of, but I'm happy to be in her life.
Going there for a holiday and for her graduation this May. She has grown to be such a beautiful young woman. I am proud of her!! And my son as well...

This past year has been interesting to say the least. At times I was not sure I could get up and go another day. Jan 18th was one year anniversary of my back surgery. I am much better than I was before surgery, but still have issues with my hips and low back. I can definately tell I am not as young as I used to be... Fast Track?

I have learned that no matter how difficult days may be... that we learn and we grow as a person only if we choose to... that we are able to look at life through rose colored glasses but we are also able to take them off and see the real world, allbeit not pretty!
I am blessed to be loved... blessed to share my life with someone who respects me & loves me as I am. Funny it has taken me so long to see who I really am... I can be emotional, stubborn, weak... but I think I am stronger today than ever... I am the best me I have ever been.

I hope to just keep getting better at that...

AL