I AM LEARNING MORE ABOUT MYSELF EVERY DAY... BUT THE ONE THING I AM LEARNING IS THAT LIFE DOES NOT GET ANY EASIER. ONE WOULD THINK THAT AS WE PROGRESS DOWN THE PATH LEARNING LESSONS AND GROWING THAT IT WOULD GET EASIER. BUT IT SEEMS WE ARE FACED WITH A NEW CHALLENGE, A NEW TURN IN THE PATH WITH EACH NEW WAKING DAY. MAYBE THIS IS WHAT KEEPS US GOING, I TEND TO THINK IT IS ALSO WHAT WEARS US DOWN.
I HAVE ALWAYS STRUGGLED WITH MY INNER SELF. MY SELF IMAGE, AND WHO I SHOULD BE. I THINK IT COMES FROM NOT HAVING A GOOD EXAMPLE SET IN FRONT OF ME AS A YOUNG PERSON. BEING TAUGHT TO FOLLOW BLINDLY IN A RELIGIOUS WORLD AND LISTEN TO THE TEACHING OF A MAN, WHO IS ALSO FALLABLE. SO WHEN THOSE LEADERS FAILED IN MY YOUNG EYES, I SAW THAT THERE WAS NO TRUE DIRECTION THERE, AND WENT SEARCHING FOR MY OWN. MANY OF THE CHOICES MADE WERE MISGUIDED. DIRECTED BY PEER PRESSURE AND WHAT I BELIVED AT THE TIME TO THE BEST THING. THIS EFFECT WAS GREATLY A PART OF MY LIFE EVEN UP TO AND THROUGH MY FIRST THREE SIGNIFICANT RELATIONSHIPS. ONE AS A YOUNG MAN IN HIGH SCHOOL. ONE BEING MY MARRIAGE OF 7 YEARS AND THEN WHERE IT HAD THE GREATEST EFFECT PROBABLY WAS ME COMING OUT. WHO WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE? WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE? WHAT WAS APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR? WHAT SHOULD I BECOME A PART OF IN ORDER TO FIT IN... I HAVE NEVER BEEN ONE TO LIKE BEING LABLED OR CORNERED INTO ONE GROUP. MAYBE THIS WAS A DEFIANCE OR MAYBE IT WAS DUE TO MY YOUNG YEARS OF BEING RESTRICTED. SO I WANTED TO LEAVE THE DOORS AND WINDOWS OPEN FOR WHATEVER WAS AVAILABLE. TRYING TO NOT MISS ANYTHING... I THINK IT WAS OVERWHELMING AND ONLY ADDED TO MY CONFUSION. WHO WAS I?
I WAS AND STILL AM THE GUY WHO IS ABLE TO ACCEPT MOST ANYONE. I TRY TO EMBRACE WHATEVER SOMEONE IS GOING THROUGH IN THEIR LIFE AND BE A HELP. THIS LED TO ME HAVING RELATIONSHIPS WITH PEOPLE WHO WERE “PROJECTS” WITHOUT ME REALIZING IT UNTIL I WAS COMPLETELY COMMITED AND IN LOVE WITH THEM, I WOULD FIND MYSELF WITH SOMEONE WHO NEEDED SOMEONE TO HOLD THEIR HAND WHILE THEY GREW AS A PERSON. MAYBE IT WAS BECAUSE THEIR FAMILY DIDN’T ACCPET THEM. MAYBE IT WAS BECAUSE THEY HAD SIMULAR DREAMS AS ME, OR THAT THEY WERE SO TALENTED BUT NEEDED SOMEONE TO ENCOURAGE THEM TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP TO GO FIND THEIR SUCCESS IN THE WORLD. THEY WERE TRAPPED IN A SITUATION WHERE THEY NEEDED TO BE ABLE TO DREAM, AND ME BEING THE DREAMER THAT I AM, I COULD TEACH THEM IT WAS OK TO DREAM! TO REACH FOR THE STARS! IN DOING THIS... I FOUND MYSELF GIVING, WHICH I LOVE TO DO. BUT IN TIME I FOUND I WAS HOLDING AN EMPTY BUCKET. LIKE I WAS SCRAPEING THE BUCKET’S BOTTOM TILL MY NAILS BLED. TRYING TO GIVE MORE... REACHING FOR THE NEXT THING TO SAY, TO ENCOURAGE, TRYING TO BE THE NEXT POLE TO PROP THEM UP IN LIFES WILD WINDS OF CHANGE. SOMEHOW I HAD FORGOTTEN TO RECHARGE MY OWN BATTERIES... I HAD TO CHANGE THAT.
MORE THAN ONCE I HAVE HAD TO START OVER. BASICALLY FEELING I WAS BACK AT THAT STARTING SQUARE ON THE GAME BOARD. ABOUT TO ROLL THE DICE TO SEE WHAT IS THE NEXT MOVE, WHAT LIFE HAD TO OFFER. WHAT IS MY NEXT ADVENTURE. SHARING LIFE IS AN ADVENTURE OF GIVE AND TAKE. AND I LOVE THAT! IT WORKS AS LONG AS YOU FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET THROUGH THE ROUGH TIMES AS WELL AS THE GOOD ONES. SOMETIMES IT IS HARD, TO KEEP FROM BEING JUDGEMENTAL AND JUST LOVE... TO BE CONSTRUCTIVE AT ALL TIMES IS AN ART AND ONE THAT REQUIRES A GREAT DEAL OF EXPERIENCE AND I DON’T THINK ANY OF US ACTUALLY EVER REALLY MASTER IT. WE FORGET THAT THE PERSON WE ARE SHARING LIFE WITH IS HUMAN, THAT THEY ARE FULL OF EMOTION AND MAKE MISTAKES, HAVE PAIN AND A PAST JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER HUMAN ON EARTH.
WE ARE ON A PATH... IT HAS VALLEYS AND IT HAS HILLS. EACH ONE IS AN ACCOMPLISHMENT. THERE IS MUCH TO BE LEARNED FROM EACH ONE. WHETHER WE ARE ALONE OR SHARING THE PATH WITH SOMEONE THERE WILL BE PAIN. PERSONALLY I WOULD RATHER SHARE THE PATH AND THE PAIN WITH SOMEONE. EVEN IF IT MEANS I AM SUBJECTED TO SOME OF THEIR PAINS. ULTIMATELY THEY WILL HURT ME. AND I THEM... IT MATTERS NOT HOW HARD WE TRY NOT TO, IT JUST HAPPENS. I HATE MYSELF MOST WHEN I HURT THE ONES I LOVE, AND I FEEL LIKE A FOOL. I RETALIATE FOR SOMETHING THAT IS SAID OR DONE. I REACT, WHICH IS A CHARACTORISIC I HAVE WORKED SO HARD TO DISMANTLE. BUT SOMETIMES IT'S LIKE A PIN PRICK, SOMETHING HAPPENS AND WE GET POKED, SO WE CRY OUT IN PAIN. SOMETIMES THINGS HAPPEN THAT BRING BACK THINGS FROM OUR PAST. THIS BRINGS US BACK IN TIME IN AN INSTANT. WE RESPOND AS IF WE WERE THAT HURT CHILD THAT WE ONCE WERE. THIS I REALLY DISLIKE.. BUT IT SEEMS THAT IT WILL ALWAYS BE WITH ME. A PART OF MY BEING THAT EVEN THOUGH I WORK THRU LAYERS, SET ASIDE PIECES, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SOMETHING THERE TO DEAL WITH. BEHAVIORS IN MYSELF I NEED TO WORK ON... AFTER YEARS OF THERAPY, I REALISE I HAVE PROBABLY ONLY SCRATCHED THE SURFACE OF WHAT LIES WITHIN. STILL I WONDER, WHY ARE WE AS HUMANS SO QUICK TO JUDGE. SO QUICK TO GIVE UP ON LOVE. WE OFTEN SAY LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. WHEN I WONDER, HAVE WE EVEN GIVEN LOVE CHANCE? OR ARE WE RESERVING OURSELF TO OUR OPINIONS WHICH ARE WEIGHTED WITH LACK OF TRUST, HURT FROM PAST, INSECURITIES, AND THE FACT THAT WE KNOW IN OUR HEART THAT WE ARE JUST AS FUCKED UP AS THE PERSON WE ARE IN LOVE WITH. YET WE CANNOT LET THAT BE KNOWN. FOR IF WE LET THAT BE KNOWN THEN WE HAVE SOMEHOW LOWERED OURSELF TO THEIR LEVEL, MADE OURSELF VULNERABLE. SO ULTIMATELY WE GO ON THROUGH LIFE SEARCHING FOR SOMETHING MORE PERFECT, SOMETHING MORE FULFILLING TO MATCH OURSELVES TO WHEN WE HAVE NOT DEALT WITH THE DEMONS INSIDE THAT HAS JUST ROBBED US OF THE BEST THING WE HAVE EVER ENCOUNTERED.
I BELIEVE IN LOVE... I HAVE SEEN WHAT LOVE CAN DO. MY GRANDMOTHER TAUGHT ME SO LONG AGO TO NEVER, NEVER GIVE UP ON LOVE. WHAT SHE FORGOT TO TEACH ME WAS TO LOVE MYSELF FIRST. THAT WAS LOST IN THAT RELIGIOUS LIFE THAT WAS DOWNTRODDEN AND ALL ABOUT SHAME. ALWAYS TAUGHT TO GIVE ONES SELF... LAY ONES SELF LIKE A CLOTH ON THE GROUND TO BE WALKED ON, OR A PALM BRANCH FOR THE GREATER GOOD. IT WAS NEVER HER INTENTION TO HAVE ME FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT MYSELF... NOR WAS IT HER INTENTION FOR ME TO GO THROUGH SOME OF THE THINGS I WENT THRU AS A KID AFTER HER HORRIFIC DEATH ON OUR RANCH. BUT SOMEHOW I HAVE LIVED, HAUNTED WITH AN IMAGE I SAW IN THE MIRROR THAT WAS NOT ACTUAL TRUTH. I HAVE ALWAYS SEEN SOMETHING LOOKING BACK AT ME THAT WAS UGLY. SCARRED, AND THAT NEEDED WORK. THAT WAS NOT LIKE THE BEAUTY THAT I SAW AROUND ME. SOMETHING I WAS ASHAMED OF! THAT I NEEDED TO CHANGE, TO FIX & CREATE A STORY TO GO WITH IT TO MAKE IT BE MORE ATTRACTIVE. SOMETHING THAT IF IT WAS NOT EMBELISHED, WOULD BE LIKE THE TIRED OLD WHEELBARROW THAT I USED TO PUSH THROUGH THE SMELLY CHICKEN BARNS ON OUR FRAM FEEDING THOUSANDS OF CHICKENS. AND WHEN I WAS DONE, IT SAT IDLY COLLECTING DUST, OR RUSTING. PLAIN, UTILITARY AND UNASSUMING... WHEN I SAY THAT OUT LOUD, THE REPSONSE COMES BACK... OH HOW SILLY! OH YOU KNOW BETTER! BUT WHEN I LOOK IN THAT MIRROR THE NEXT MORNING, THERE STANDS THAT PLAIN, AVERAGE ONE THAT NO ONE WOULD PICK OUT OF A CROWD. THAT ONE THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN A LITTLE TOO HEAVY, THAT NEVER HAD PECS, THAT LOST HIS HAIR AT 21, THAT STARTED GETTING THAT FINE LAYER OF CARPET-LIKE BODY HAIR AT 14 AND WAS MADE FUN OF IN SCHOOL FOR BEING THE HAIRY MONSTER. THERE STANDS THAT ONE THAT FOR SOME REASON WAS MADE FUN OF IN SCHOOL BECAUSE I SHOWED UP IN CLEAN CLOTHES AND LOOKED LIKE I WAS DRESSED FOR SCHOOL NOT TO GO HANG OUT IN AN ALLEY AND SMOKE DOPE. OR WAS THE “FAG” BECAUSE I WORE PLEATED PANTS TO SCHOOL INSTEAD OF THE WRANGLERS THAT EVERYONE ELSE WORE, THE SAME ONES I WORE TO WORK IN EVERY DAY ON THE RANCH. THERE STANDS THAT ONE IN THE MIRROR WHO WHEN I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT GIRL AND WAS GETTING MARRIED, HER BROTHERS SAID “ WHY ARE YOU MARRYING THE GAY BOY?” BECAUSE I DIDN’T WEAR CAMO AND GO HUNTING. IN THE MIRROR IS THE MAN WHO CAME HOME AND CLEANED UP BEHIND HIS SLACKER WIFE AFTER WORKING TWO JOBS SO SHE COULD STAY HOME WITH THE TWO KIDS. PILES OF LAUNDRY, DIRTY DISHES EVERYWHERE... BUT HE WAS THE BAD FATHER AND HUSBAND WHO WAS NEVER HOME...
JUDGEMENT.. SO EASILY SERVED. PASSED ON TO THOSE WHO DO NOT FIT THE PROFILE NOR THE PATTERN THAT MAKES EVERYONE ELSE FEEL GOOD. I KNOW THAT I HAVE THINGS TO WORK ON BUT THERE IS NOT A PERSON ON THE EARTH WHO DOESN’T. WHY DO WE HAVE PEOPLE LIKE DR PHIL WHO ARE MILLIONARES TODAY... BECAUSE WE LIVE IN A FUCKED UP WORLD. WHERE WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER PRESSURE TO BE SOMETHING, DO SOMETHING, SUCCEED AT SOMETHING. AND THE TRUTH IS THAT I WANT TO! I WANT TO BE A BETTER PERSON. I HAVE GROWN MORE IN THE PAST 6 YEARS OF MY LIFE THAN PROBABLY THE REST OF MY LIFE COMBINED... AND I OWE A LOT OF THAT TO BEING LOVED AND ACCEPTED BY A MAN WHO HAS THE GUTS TO LOVE ME EVEN THOUGH I AM MOST DAYS MORE OF A MESS THAN HAVING IT TOGETHER. I BELIEVE THAT WHEN WE ARE LOVED THAT WE ARE ABLE TO GROW AND AS WE EVOLVE AS A PERSON, WE WORK THE CRINKLES OUT OF THE FABRIC. SLOWLY WE BECOME MORE CLEAR ABOUT WHO WE ARE, AND WE ARE ABLE TO LET GO OF THINGS THAT HAVE HELD US BACK. I KNOW THAT I HAVE LET GO OF SO MUCH PAIN. I HAVE HAD ANGER IN MY LIFE. ABOUT MY PAST, ABOUT ABUSE, ABOUT THINGS DONE TO ME... AND I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO LET THAT GO... AT TIMES I HAVE FLARE UPS... ESPECIALLY WHERE IT PERTAINS TO ONE PERSON IN MY YOUTH WHO SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY TEACHER AND MY LEADER, BUT INSTEAD WAS MY BIGGEST DAMAGE CAUSER. THESE THINGS SCAR US... THEY LEAVE DEEP UGLY BLACK PLACES IN US... AND OVER TIME THEY HEAL. THINGS WE GO THRU FROM TIME TO TIME BRING THEM TO THE SURFACE, OR A SCAB GETS PULLED LOSE AND WE HAVE TO TOSS THAT AWAY AFTER THE PAIN SUBSIDES. LOVE, ACCEPTANCE AND GUIDANCE IS NEEDED FOR THOSE TIMES. I AM GRATEFUL FOR HAVING THAT! WE HEAR THE SAYING “ THAT WHICH DOES NOT KILL ME MAKES ME STRONGER” AND I SUPPOSE THAT IS TRUE. BUT THERE IS RECOVERY TIME... WHEN AN INJURY OCCURS YOU DO NOT HOP RIGHT UP AND “BECOME STRONGER” WHEN WE GO THRU THINGS WE HAVE TO EVOLVE. TO DIGEST... TO LEARN... I FOR ONE AM HARD HEADED AND HAVE TO LET THINGS SINK IN... I AM ALSO A.D.D. AND GET SO CONFUSED.. I TRY TO TALK AND MY HEAD RUNS FASTER THAN MY MOUTH WILL SPIT IT OUT. I FORGET THINGS... I TALK TOO MUCH... I INTERUPT LIKE A BAD CHILD.. WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING WHAT I AM DOING... I TRY TO EXPLAIN MYSELF AND ALL I DO IS GET MYSELF IN A MESS OF CONFUSION... AND BECOME EMOTIONAL... THAT IS A TRAIT I INHERITED FROM MY MOTHER... AND ONE I DISLIKE MORE THAN ANYTHING!! I WORK AT NOT BEING SO EMOTIONAL!
TRUTH IS THAT WHEN WE FALL IN LOVE EMOTION IS THERE. EVERY DAY. AND WHEN THINGS ARE GOING AS WE WANT THEM TO, WE MOVE ALONG IN A PEACEFUL MODE. AND WHEN WE GO THRU THE TIMES IN LIFE WHERE EVOLUTION IS OCCURING AND WE ARE TRIMMING AWAY THE THINGS THAT ARE NOT SO REFINED IT BRINGS US TO PLACES WHERE ROUGH EDGES GET HONED DOWN. THIS IS WHERE LOVE GETS TESTED. WHERE YOU FIND WHAT THE OTHER ONE IS REALLY MADE OF... AND WHO YOUR REAL FRIENDS ARE. WHETHER IN A RELATIONSHIP OR JUST DEALING WITH THE EVERY DAY GRIND OF LIFE, IT’S WHERE THE RUBBER MEETS THE ROAD. THANK GOD I HAVE HAD THERAPY TO HELP ME THOUGH MANY OF THE PERIODS IN MY LIFE OR I MIGHT NOT BE HERE TODAY. AS WELL AS AT TIMES GETTING SO LOW THAT HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR A FRIEND WHO CAME AND FORCED ME TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT MY ISSUES, I WOULD HAVE SUCCOMBED TO THEM AND BEEN FOREVER LOST. THESE ARE THE TIMES WHEN I WONDER IF WE REALLY SEE WHAT IS GOING ON AROUND US. OR DO WE SOMEHOW WITHDRAW INTO A PLACE THAT ONLY ALLOWS US TO SEE WITH TUNNEL VISION. DO I ONLY SEE MY PROBLEMS? AM I ONLY ABLE TO SEE HOW I AM BEING HURT? DO I NOT REALISE HOW MY RESPONSES ARE HURTING THE ONES AROUND ME MORE THAN I CAN IMAGINE. AND WHEN I REACT OR RETALIATE IS IT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE CUT OF THE TONGUE CAN CAUSE IRREPAIRABLE DAMAGE. SEARING THE MIND WITH HARSH WORDS THAT FOREVER CUT US TO THE CORE. BECAUSE IN THESE TIMES, IF WE DID NOT LOVE, WOULD WE LY AWAKE ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT IN TURMOIL? IF WE DID NOT WANT TO CHANGE AND BE A BETTER PARTNER, SON, DAUGHTER, HUSBAND, WIFE... WOULD WE CRY TILL WE MAKE OURSELVES SICK OVER THE PERSON WHO HAS JUST HURT US SO BADLY? WOULD WE KEEP TRYING TO LOVE SOMEONE WHO REFUSES TO GET HELP WITH PAIN AND ISSUES THAT WERE BROUGHT TO THE RELATIONSHIP OR FRIENDSHIP, AND ULTIMATELY WERE NOT OUR FAULT. BUT BY BEING WITH THAT PERSON WE HAVE DECIDED IN OUR COMMITMENT TO TAKE ON WHATEVER COMES WITH THAT PERSON WE ARE IN LOVE WITH! YOU SEE WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE, YOU LOVE ALL THEIR PARTS. WE ARE EACH LIKE A DIAMOND WITH MANY FACETS. CUTS THAT MAKE US SHINE OR MAKE US DULL. AND WHEN WE MAKE A COMMITMENT TO SOMEONE WE ARE MAKING A COMMITMENT TO ALL OF THEM... WE DO NOT GET TO LEAVE SOME OF THOSE THINGS OUT. THAT WOULD BE LIKE SAYING, OH I WILL BUY THE USED CAR, BUT I REALLY WOULD LIKE TO LEAVE THE CRACKED WINDSHIELD AND STAINS IN THE CARPET, AS WELL AS THE CRACKS IN THE LEATHER HERE AT THE DEALERSHIP!! Sorry!!! JUST NOT THE WAY IT WORKS. IT’S A WHOLE PACKAGE... THIS IS WHERE THAT PART OF LOVE IS PATIENT, LOVE IS KIND... COMES IN... BECAUSE IT REALLY IS TRUE. AND IF YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO TRY AND WORK WITH THE WHOLE PACKAGE THEN YOU MAY NEED TO BE ALONE BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS... WE MAY ASK OURSELVES WHAT WE DESERVE? I HAVE ASKED MYSELF.. WHAT DO I DESERVE? I AM NOT SURE... BUT I THINK I DESERVE THE SAME LOVE I GIVE... THE UNCONDITIONAL, FORGIVING LOVE THAT LOOKS AT LIFE AND REALISES THAT I AM A HUMAN. AND SO IS EVERY PERSON THAT I HAVE LOVED... THAT THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PERFECTION. AND THAT I HAVE ISSUES AND SO DOES EVERY OTHER HUMAN WHO BREATHES AIR. SOMEONE SAYS “OH I HAVE BAGGAGE”... AND SO WHAT... THAT’S LIKE SAYING YOU HAVE EYEBALLS!! GET REAL! IF YOU ARE OLDER THAN THE NEWBORN IN BIRTHING ROOM... YOU HAVE BAGGAGE!!
SO IT’S NOT SO MUCH ABOUT HAVING IT BUT HOW YOU CARRY IT... GRACEFULLY... OR PUSHING IT PILED HIGHER THAN UR HEAD ON THE CART OF LIFE, PILED SO HIGH IN FRONT OF YOU THAT YOU CAN’T SEE WHERE YOU ARE GOING FOR HAVING IT STACKED IN UR WAY! OR MAYBE YOU LEAVE YOURS UNATTENDED IN LIFE'S AIRPORT WHILE YOU RUN ABOUT HELPING EVERYONE ELSE CARRY THEIRS, OR SORT THEIR DIRTY LAUNDRY WHEN THE ZIPPER BREAKS ON THEIR BAGGAGE.... SO IF YOU STAY BUSY POINTING OUT EVERYONE ELSES BAD LUGGAGE, OR HELPING THEM SIFT THRU THEIRS... YOU NEVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOURS! CONVENIENT? NO SAD... BECAUSE WITHOUT YOUR LUGGAGE YOU WILL ARRIVE AT A PIVOTAL MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE AND NOT BE PREPARED TO DEAL WITH WHAT YOU FACE. I KNOW THIS.. BECAUSE I HAVE DONE IT...
AS I HAVE LEARNED MORE AND MORE ABOUT MYSELF...I SEEM TO LEARN THAT THERE IS SOMETHING NEW AND SOMETHING MORE THAT I NEED TO LEARN. SOMETHING I NEED TO WORK ON. I HAVE NOT ARRIVED, BUT ONLY HAVE MOVED TO THE NEXT STEP. WHICH ALLOWS ME TO SEE MORE THINGS ABOUT MYSELF THAT NEED WORK. AS A FATHER, AS A SON, AS A PARTNER, AS A FRIEND, I WANT TO BE BETTER AT LISTENING, AT BEING THE PERSON WHO ACCEPTS WITHOUT JUDGEMENT, WHO GIVES OF MYSELF FOR THE GREATER CAUSE. TO BE THE SUPPORT TO THE PEOPLE I LOVE... TO GIVE RESPECT... BUT MOST OF ALL I WANT TO BE THE BEST ME THAT I CAN BE.. FOR MYSELF. I HAVE A LOT OF WORK ON MYSELF...
BUT I AM EXCITED TO GROW.. TO LEARN... AND BE A BETTER PERSON!
I MAY NEED YOUR HELP...
PEACE TO YOU ALL
AL
