Al's Headspace...

Love: Kills Slowly

2010-08-24T00:24:00.000-07:00

LOVE:
•a strong positive emotion of regard and affection

•any object of warm affection or devotion

•have a great affection or liking for

•beloved: a beloved person

•get pleasure from

•a deep feeling of sexual desire and attraction

•be enamored or in love with

•sleep together: have sexual intercourse with

It is an amazing thing, this thing we call Love... It can bring joy, pain, happiness, and sadness. It sadly becomes an addiction to many. A mask for hiding the pain many live with. A way to never face fear, and a way to build a facade that others see, a way to look strong, instead of showing their humanity.
This is why the sad reality is that...
LOVE KILLS SLOWLY...
While it may feed hope, it may bring new life in one area or to one person. It may very well be taking from another. What is seen on the surface is not always what is going on behind closed doors. When people are trying to put their best foot forward, they don't show the truth of the pain they live with every day. Just because we see a display of what is perceived perfection, it most likely has it's own set of issues and the most perfect things on the surface are quite often the most hollow on the interior.
So often people who have never been loved properly especially as a child, tend to become manipulators. Rather than getting the help that can truly change their lives, they create the most elaborate fantasyland to live in.. most do it without meaning to or without intent of hurting anyone, but they do. And they do it repeatedly, and even when they learn about themselves, they are not able to stop. Much like the addiction of the alchoholic. Even when they have a person in their life to be with them, to share and be a support to them to help them past this abusive and destructive behavior, they are often not able to break away. And instead turn the enviroment into a toxic place that sucks the life from the relationship. Where they will tell the person that is there loving them, accepting them, offering to go to therapy with them, that they want to change, the will falsify things in their life to make it look they are acting on it. They will beg, cry, plead on bended knee, make promises of change and improvement, yet take out their wrath on the person there living with them and who is in love them.
LOVE KILLS SLOWLY...
No one knows the pain involved in the giving of one's self to a relationship where the love is given without judgement and then manipulated to be something bad. Where lies are created, and information of one's personal life is manipulated and used as a way to belittle and demean. Things that are actually shared in common between two people who are in love, yet then become the tools to slice and dice the feelings and emotions of the person who has been closest. For when the person is closest then it is easiest to cut the deepest and seemingly have no emotion about it. To move through life making decisions that if it were made public, people would turn away in horror if they knew the words and actions of the person who portrays to them being their upstanding friend. Yet behind closed doors treats their "soulmate and Love of their life" as a psychological science project to see how much they can manipulate them,use them and get by with. And while they do it, try to convience that person that they are the one with issues and causing their unsettling life.

Some operate from an unsettled place where they shift from day to day or in a single moment as if on a bipolar rollercoaster. Expressing great passion, love and writing eloquent words then when something causes insecurity turning on their loved one, verbally and mentally abusing them. Threats and taking advantage of their life situations add to the tearing down and the use of controling behavior to manipulate the interior of the relationship to be what they want from it. All of these things add to the sabotage of a loving supportive relationship where communication could be or had been growing, where therapy could be helpful, but where all is lost in a cloud of delusion and denial. Where they blame all the disfunction on the other person, and take no responsibility for their actions.
Even when they cause, emotional, psychological and eventually physical damage. The lack of ability to grasp any concept of the depth of their own pain and disfunction only causes them to maginfy their continued actions against those they love.
Causing them to kill the love being given to them...
Sadly...

LOVE KILLS SLOWLY...

I AM RICH!!!

2010-01-05T11:13:00.000-08:00

I had a friend pass along a story today. Of how his mother told of how her riches were collecting friends. That relationships were the only thing we take from this world with us when we pass other than our soul. The richest part of living is the sharing of ourselves with others. The best part of life is feeling rich... and that does not mean money in the bank, a mercedes in the driveway, or the biggest house on the block.

I was so amazed to hear this, as it is exactly what I beleive in!! Sometimes I think we need to be reminded of the things we have in our heart. We let them get pushed back into the sidelines and have to move them to the forefront to make them part of our every day living.

I so much believe we are what we surround ourselves with! I am reminded every day that I am blessed by the wonderful people in my life. I want only to continue to share my life with those who share theirselves honestly and with a sincerity. I believe we are here to a support to each other, and I am made rich by the relationships I have with people. The soulmate I share my life's adventures with... Amazing! My children who love and accept me as I am... The people who share my hopes and dreams for things that are important to my soulmate & I...

To those of you who know how to focus on the good things of life, to encourage when the times are not at 100%, those who are not afraid to call or message and share when you need help, or return the favor when you know it is needed, I say Thank You!! For being part of the riches of my life!!

In 2010, I want to only become richer, and help others understand that fulfillment!
Peace to you all
AL

Me... a sign...

2009-12-10T10:20:00.000-08:00

• Capricorn

December 22 - January 19

You are not in the habit of talking without saying anything constructive, dear Capricorn. Sometimes some people even suspect you or accuse you of having nothing to say! When you are just being patient, they say that you are ignorant. When you are just demonstrating your tolerance, they say that you are indifferent. Today, it's time for those people to learn the real truth about you and understand just how much you have to say about the world.

I read these from time to time... Never actually look at them as something to live by, but more as something to remind us about what may be happening in our lives. If I end up with time to read mine, then that is most likely the day I was meant to read it. Today is one of those days! I often struggle with what I want to say.

That what is playing in my head never comes out the way I want it to sound. I refrain from saying things for fear I will offend by not getting it across with the right meaning. Or that I may hurt someone with my feelings or thoughts. Yet I live in a world where everyone says and does or doesn't say or do what is best for them without worry of it working for others.

Constructive sometimes can be things we need to work on, so they are not always things we want to hear. I can't say I am the best at hearing constructive criticism, but when I present it, I try to do it in an inclusive way. Where what needs to be worked on is something that can be shared...

Patience can be mistaken for ignorance... complacency or a lack of caring. Being patient with others as they work their life issues can be a trying effort, but the most rewarding one in life. Showing the ones we care about, or those who have no one to stand by them when their lives are askew, a bit of patience is something I strive to do each day. I cannot begin to say THANK YOU to those who have taken time to show patience with me as I grow as a person. I am still growing! So I would say we each need patience... daily....

Tolerance... Our world is so lacking in this area! We as a human race need desperately to embrace tolerance on every level of our daily living. We want so much to be accepted as a person, from early childhood, through our lives we struggle for acceptance. Tolerance is something I want to exemplify each and every day!

I hope that each of us take time to look at the things we are going through on this day, and consider those around us. Remember that we are not alone in the things we face on a daily basis. That by making time for others, by allowing room in our lives for evolution to change us, we have the opportunity to become a better person every day!

Peace to you all

AL

A Manifesto! The time has come!

2009-10-27T14:02:00.000-07:00

As a person who has studied the bible, theology and was raised in a middle-American Christian home, served in many capacities in my church over the years & consider myself a spiritual person... I ask that you take time to read this as a heart-felt passing on of information that I have never felt stronger about than anything you have ever seen me post here on this blog.
The words of this straight Bishop are riveting...

A Manifesto! The Time Has Come!
I have made a decision. I will no longer debate the issue of homosexuality in the church with anyone. I will no longer engage the biblical ignorance that emanates from so many right-wing Christians about how the Bible condemns homosexuality, as if that point of view still has any credibility. I will no longer discuss with them or listen to them tell me how homosexuality is "an abomination to God," about how homosexuality is a "chosen lifestyle," or about how through prayer and "spiritual counseling" homosexual persons can be "cured." Those arguments are no longer worthy of my time or energy. I will no longer dignify by listening to the thoughts of those who advocate "reparative therapy," as if homosexual persons are somehow broken and need to be repaired. I will no longer talk to those who believe that the unity of the church can or should be achieved by rejecting the presence of, or at least at the expense of, gay and lesbian people. I will no longer take the time to refute the unlearned and undocumentable claims of certain world religious leaders who call homosexuality "deviant." I will no longer listen to that pious sentimentality that certain Christian leaders continue to employ, which suggests some version of that strange and overtly dishonest phrase that "we love the sinner but hate the sin." That statement is, I have concluded, nothing more than a self-serving lie designed to cover the fact that these people hate homosexual persons and fear homosexuality itself, but somehow know that hatred is incompatible with the Christ they claim to profess, so they adopt this face-saving and absolutely false statement. I will no longer temper my understanding of truth in order to pretend that I have even a tiny smidgen of respect for the appalling negativity that continues to emanate from religious circles where the church has for centuries conveniently perfumed its ongoing prejudices against blacks, Jews, women and homosexual persons with what it assumes is "high-sounding, pious rhetoric." The day for that mentality has quite simply come to an end for me. I will personally neither tolerate it nor listen to it any longer. The world has moved on, leaving these elements of the Christian Church that cannot adjust to new knowledge or a new consciousness lost in a sea of their own irrelevance. They no longer talk to anyone but themselves. I will no longer seek to slow down the witness to inclusiveness by pretending that there is some middle ground between prejudice and oppression. There isn't. Justice postponed is justice denied. That can be a resting place no longer for anyone. An old civil rights song proclaimed that the only choice awaiting those who cannot adjust to a new understanding was to "Roll on over or we'll roll on over you!" Time waits for no one. I will particularly ignore those members of my own Episcopal Church who seek to break away from this body to form a "new church," claiming that this new and bigoted instrument alone now represents the Anglican Communion. Such a new ecclesiastical body is designed to allow these pathetic human beings, who are so deeply locked into a world that no longer exists, to form a community in which they can continue to hate gay people, distort gay people with their hopeless rhetoric and to be part of a religious fellowship in which they can continue to feel justified in their homophobic prejudices for the rest of their tortured lives. Church unity can never be a virtue that is preserved by allowing injustice, oppression and psychological tyranny to go unchallenged. In my personal life, I will no longer listen to televised debates conducted by "fair-minded" channels that seek to give "both sides" of this issue "equal time." I am aware that these stations no longer give equal time to the advocates of treating women as if they are the property of men or to the advocates of reinstating either segregation or slavery, despite the fact that when these evil institutions were coming to an end the Bible was still being quoted frequently on each of these subjects. It is time for the media to announce that there are no longer two sides to the issue of full humanity for gay and lesbian people. There is no way that justice for homosexual people can be compromised any longer. I will no longer act as if the Papal office is to be respected if the present occupant of that office is either not willing or not able to inform and educate himself on public issues on which he dares to speak with embarrassing ineptitude. I will no longer be respectful of the leadership of the Archbishop of Canterbury, who seems to believe that rude behavior, intolerance and even killing prejudice is somehow acceptable, so long as it comes from third-world religious leaders, who more than anything else reveal in themselves the price that colonial oppression has required of the minds and hearts of so many of our world's population. I see no way that ignorance and truth can be placed side by side, nor do I believe that evil is somehow less evil if the Bible is quoted to justify it. I will dismiss as unworthy of any more of my attention the wild, false and uninformed opinions of such would-be religious leaders as Pat Robertson, James Dobson, Jerry Falwell, Jimmy Swaggart, Albert Mohler, and Robert Duncan. My country and my church have both already spent too much time, energy and money trying to accommodate these backward points of view when they are no longer even tolerable. I make these statements because it is time to move on. The battle is over. The victory has been won. There is no reasonable doubt as to what the final outcome of this struggle will be. Homosexual people will be accepted as equal, full human beings, who have a legitimate claim on every right that both church and society have to offer any of us. Homosexual marriages will become legal, recognized by the state and pronounced holy by the church. "Don't ask, don't tell" will be dismantled as the policy of our armed forces. We will and we must learn that equality of citizenship is not something that should ever be submitted to a referendum. Equality under and before the law is a solemn promise conveyed to all our citizens in the Constitution itself. Can any of us imagine having a public referendum on whether slavery should continue, whether segregation should be dismantled, whether voting privileges should be offered to women? The time has come for politicians to stop hiding behind unjust laws that they themselves helped to enact, and to abandon that convenient shield of demanding a vote on the rights of full citizenship because they do not understand the difference between a constitutional democracy, which this nation has, and a "mobocracy," which this nation rejected when it adopted its constitution. We do not put the civil rights of a minority to the vote of a plebiscite. I will also no longer act as if I need a majority vote of some ecclesiastical body in order to bless, ordain, recognize and celebrate the lives and gifts of gay and lesbian people in the life of the church. No one should ever again be forced to submit the privilege of citizenship in this nation or membership in the Christian Church to the will of a majority vote. The battle in both our culture and our church to rid our souls of this dying prejudice is finished. A new consciousness has arisen. A decision has quite clearly been made. Inequality for gay and lesbian people is no longer a debatable issue in either church or state. Therefore, I will from this moment on refuse to dignify the continued public expression of ignorant prejudice by engaging it. I do not tolerate racism or sexism any longer. From this moment on, I will no longer tolerate our culture's various forms of homophobia. I do not care who it is who articulates these attitudes or who tries to make them sound holy with religious jargon. I have been part of this debate for years, but things do get settled and this issue is now settled for me. I do not debate any longer with members of the "Flat Earth Society" either. I do not debate with people who think we should treat epilepsy by casting demons out of the epileptic person; I do not waste time engaging those medical opinions that suggest that bleeding the patient might release the infection. I do not converse with people who think that Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans as punishment for the sin of being the birthplace of Ellen DeGeneres or that the terrorists hit the United Sates on 9/11 because we tolerated homosexual people, abortions, feminism or the American Civil Liberties Union. I am tired of being embarrassed by so much of my church's participation in causes that are quite unworthy of the Christ I serve or the God whose mystery and wonder I appreciate more each day. Indeed I feel the Christian Church should not only apologize, but do public penance for the way we have treated people of color, women, adherents of other religions and those we designated heretics, as well as gay and lesbian people. Life moves on. As the poet James Russell Lowell once put it more than a century ago: "New occasions teach new duties, Time makes ancient good uncouth." I am ready now to claim the victory. I will from now on assume it and live into it. I am unwilling to argue about it or to discuss it as if there are two equally valid, competing positions any longer. The day for that mentality has simply gone forever. This is my manifesto and my creed. I proclaim it today. I invite others to join me in this public declaration. I believe that such a public outpouring will help cleanse both the church and this nation of its own distorting past. It will restore integrity and honor to both church and state. It will signal that a new day has dawned and we are ready not just to embrace it, but also to rejoice in it and to celebrate it.
– John Shelby Spong

As a child I was taught to love God & to fear God, to give reverence for the power that his deity manifests in our everyday life. To give thanks in all things, to follow the golden rule. To love my neighbor as myself and to give, even if it was the shirt from my own back. Many of my family members & forefathers have given their version of living out in example to the best of their ability what it meant to be a true Christian. I once met a woman who was born with her sight, but went blind as an adult, she prayed and asked God to give her back her sight so that she might be a better minister for his service. She told of how this happened... and how she had her sight for 7 years, 7 months & 7 days, & then she woke one morning to find she was blind again. In her hour of despair she discovered that her ability to be “in tune” with her spiritual self was at its peak when she was blind... She told me this story when I was but 11 years old. And was struggling from great loss in my life. She told me, “Now is the time to see the world without boundaries, to Love without prejudice & never focus on what you don’t have, but find strength in what you do, for with this you will find power like that of a thousand warriors”. When I received the attached email by Bishop/Author, John Shelby Spong, I was reminded of her words. And I am standing with Bishop Spong in my beliefs, based in my years of studying the bible & theology, searching out my soul’s salvation, years spent as a church member, youth pastor, choir director and many other positions within the church I was raised in. The same church that as an organization excommunicated myself & many others over the years of my life based in their so-called God given instructions to maintain a correct moral order in the church. The time has passed for those types behaviors to be considered acceptable.
The time has come for the world to know & see the “TRUE” love of God manifested.
Love & peace to you all...
Al Glover

Yearly Checkup!!

2009-10-07T22:04:00.000-07:00

Its that time again......

It's time for your annual "Am I Gay?" Self-Examination

1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay.
It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent
the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah
diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but
gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a
delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And
just think
about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over
here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to
daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on
Bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet,
or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and
undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking
lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his
bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in
the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard, strong, black, and full aroma. A
straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim"
and
he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've
had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of
dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real
man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as
well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL,
college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know
what a "fre ssier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile
other than denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to
tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a
slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that
hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play
with his honey in the passenger seat.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay,
oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman
who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by
yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous
homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out
too.

Disturbia

2009-06-19T16:32:00.000-07:00

Have you ever given any thot to how close to the edge of sanity we all live? Are we safely sane... or is there a fine line that teeters nearby as we speed along life's highway? Like a cliff, ready for us to make the wrong turn, or travel just a bit too fast and go speeding over the edge. One can even wonder if through all the shit life throws at us, if we momentarily hang out over the edge of said cliff. Like a bird flying or the darting of the frogs tongue...
So we go through life looking, sorting through the "stuff" we've been given to deal with. Our baggage if you would. Our childhood, littered with memories of our favorite things, but sometimes erie with bad things that happened to us. Leaving scars that we have to deal with. the teen years when we wanted to be an adult but were not, yet many of us were doing adult-like things. These leave twisted edges on our minds and our memories. They distort our ability to keep track of time, and where things fit in the boxes of when they happened.
Then we jump off into relationships... we tend to connect with someone who seems to understand us. But ultimately we find that we are attracted to people because we need something from each other. This is where expectations are established. Then when not fulfilled, that relationship is tossed aside to move on to the next. As we navigate through our life growing into our experiences, we meet new challenges. We find those who can help us along the way. make friends, some of who have the best of intentions. they get sidetracked, they get selfish. it becomes less fun than we remembered so we move on. Great people come into our lives! We fall in love, we get hurt. We grow! learn about ourselves and the fabric we are made of... we cautiously refocus and move ahead, onward, upward! And if we pay attention we take the lessons to heart! otherwise we only settle to whine about what others have done to us all our lives and never take any responsibility for our own actions. This is when it becomes so easy to pick everyone around us apart about how they are doing everything wrong when really we are only trying to draw attention away from our own issues. All the while we are dishing out vile treatment to the ones we love, hurting them, belittling them, destroying them.
If we are lucky, we meet a soulmate in this world. someone who is a best friend and a lover. Who you can be yourself, no matter how low or how high you are... the person that knows the darkest secrets and still loves you. who helps you drag those skeletons to the curb and break em to bits.
And the one who loves you like no other ever loves you! The reality to this is that the soul mate then is the closest, and the ones closest end up hurting us the most. it is true! Not because they mean to, not because they set out to, but because they are fallible. They are human just like we are... yet somehow we expect them to be without fault. We have in our head, that the soul mate will never say or do anything that hurts us. But they know the truth about us! they know the person we really are. And they are most likely the only one brave enough to tell us the truth. And the cold hard truth is what we really need to hear. We will not grow unless we do... sadly when we do hear it, we feel pain. We will most likely retaliate. And unless there is an ability to act like adults, to think clearly and be rational, a power struggle starts.

I saw the most profound billboard when I was in WV for my daughter's Grad.
WHEN THE POWER OF LOVE IS GREATER THAN THE LOVE OF POWER,
THERE WILL BE PEACE, EVERYWHERE!!!

That will forever stick with me! In fact one day, I may have it tattooed on my body!
Because this truly says it all... when we stop to think that so much craziness in this world is all about power. it is really true! In our relationships, we get in a power struggle to see who is right... who knows best! Trouble is neither party really knows shit! all they know is the experiences they have been through that have shaped their minds, and then they compare the person in front of them to those people in the past. WOW! That's helpful... so let me dissect you and tell you how you hurt me, how you make me feel used, put upon, because I know these feelings! I know them, cause, Mommie, and auntie Laquisha, and uncle comb over all made me have these feelings when I was a kid! And I can't handle this because that one friend i had made me feel used and abused cause I let them in, so now I am settin you beside her, and I see similarities... DAMN! Do we not see we are destroying the people who love us by draggin all this shit along with us. when do we ever let go of any of that and decide I want to be well! I want to have a relationship now! I don't care if my soulmate has similarities to things in my past, that doesn't take away the love we share! that doesn't take away the good communication we are capable of... unless I bury it in drama! When I decide to give love a chance, then my life changes! I know this because I live it! being loved like no other, like never before is amazing! but it does not take away the fact that the two people in love with each other are less than perfect. that they are still going to make mistakes.. and need forgiveness. Words will be spoken in haste that each one will say sorry for...They are going to face new issues as time and factors of life evolve. If we think for a moment we can have it remain the same forever then that is a fantasy! there are so many factors involved. And yes our pasts will always play a part... but they don't have to destroy it! and we don't have to be so buried in little things that we lose sight of the whole picture... I think we forget to appreciate what we have! Get so caught up in our own personal drama that we forget to appreciate the other party. That is sad! I want to always take time to be grateful for the love I share! For the moments to be cherished... I want to build memories, share adventures, and love! Love with all my heart... Every day!! for that is what my soulmate deserves! and that is the kind of man I want to be....

Peace to you all
AL

Believing again

2009-05-07T07:03:00.000-07:00

Today I believe in Life! I believe in love, I believe in Hope...
I believe the when we trust and move forward that what we put out there will come back to us!
So many times in our lives we lose track of the goal.. the path...
We get off focus and get bogged down with what is happening in the moment.
I am today believing in the now & in the tomorrow!
We all need to remind ourselves sometimes that we are just human.
And when we are able to look at ourselves in the light of day,
To look in the mirror and accept our own humanity,
Then we are able to stop judging ourselves & focus on the goal.
Focus on the positive and move onward and upward!
I trust today that you can join me in loving yourself!
Trusting in yourself & believe in the hope of the future!!

Peace to you all!!
AL

LEARNING ABOUT MYSELF...

2009-05-01T06:59:00.000-07:00

I AM LEARNING MORE ABOUT MYSELF EVERY DAY... BUT THE ONE THING I AM LEARNING IS THAT LIFE DOES NOT GET ANY EASIER. ONE WOULD THINK THAT AS WE PROGRESS DOWN THE PATH LEARNING LESSONS AND GROWING THAT IT WOULD GET EASIER. BUT IT SEEMS WE ARE FACED WITH A NEW CHALLENGE, A NEW TURN IN THE PATH WITH EACH NEW WAKING DAY. MAYBE THIS IS WHAT KEEPS US GOING, I TEND TO THINK IT IS ALSO WHAT WEARS US DOWN.
I HAVE ALWAYS STRUGGLED WITH MY INNER SELF. MY SELF IMAGE, AND WHO I SHOULD BE. I THINK IT COMES FROM NOT HAVING A GOOD EXAMPLE SET IN FRONT OF ME AS A YOUNG PERSON. BEING TAUGHT TO FOLLOW BLINDLY IN A RELIGIOUS WORLD AND LISTEN TO THE TEACHING OF A MAN, WHO IS ALSO FALLABLE. SO WHEN THOSE LEADERS FAILED IN MY YOUNG EYES, I SAW THAT THERE WAS NO TRUE DIRECTION THERE, AND WENT SEARCHING FOR MY OWN. MANY OF THE CHOICES MADE WERE MISGUIDED. DIRECTED BY PEER PRESSURE AND WHAT I BELIVED AT THE TIME TO THE BEST THING. THIS EFFECT WAS GREATLY A PART OF MY LIFE EVEN UP TO AND THROUGH MY FIRST THREE SIGNIFICANT RELATIONSHIPS. ONE AS A YOUNG MAN IN HIGH SCHOOL. ONE BEING MY MARRIAGE OF 7 YEARS AND THEN WHERE IT HAD THE GREATEST EFFECT PROBABLY WAS ME COMING OUT. WHO WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE? WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE? WHAT WAS APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR? WHAT SHOULD I BECOME A PART OF IN ORDER TO FIT IN... I HAVE NEVER BEEN ONE TO LIKE BEING LABLED OR CORNERED INTO ONE GROUP. MAYBE THIS WAS A DEFIANCE OR MAYBE IT WAS DUE TO MY YOUNG YEARS OF BEING RESTRICTED. SO I WANTED TO LEAVE THE DOORS AND WINDOWS OPEN FOR WHATEVER WAS AVAILABLE. TRYING TO NOT MISS ANYTHING... I THINK IT WAS OVERWHELMING AND ONLY ADDED TO MY CONFUSION. WHO WAS I?

I WAS AND STILL AM THE GUY WHO IS ABLE TO ACCEPT MOST ANYONE. I TRY TO EMBRACE WHATEVER SOMEONE IS GOING THROUGH IN THEIR LIFE AND BE A HELP. THIS LED TO ME HAVING RELATIONSHIPS WITH PEOPLE WHO WERE “PROJECTS” WITHOUT ME REALIZING IT UNTIL I WAS COMPLETELY COMMITED AND IN LOVE WITH THEM, I WOULD FIND MYSELF WITH SOMEONE WHO NEEDED SOMEONE TO HOLD THEIR HAND WHILE THEY GREW AS A PERSON. MAYBE IT WAS BECAUSE THEIR FAMILY DIDN’T ACCPET THEM. MAYBE IT WAS BECAUSE THEY HAD SIMULAR DREAMS AS ME, OR THAT THEY WERE SO TALENTED BUT NEEDED SOMEONE TO ENCOURAGE THEM TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP TO GO FIND THEIR SUCCESS IN THE WORLD. THEY WERE TRAPPED IN A SITUATION WHERE THEY NEEDED TO BE ABLE TO DREAM, AND ME BEING THE DREAMER THAT I AM, I COULD TEACH THEM IT WAS OK TO DREAM! TO REACH FOR THE STARS! IN DOING THIS... I FOUND MYSELF GIVING, WHICH I LOVE TO DO. BUT IN TIME I FOUND I WAS HOLDING AN EMPTY BUCKET. LIKE I WAS SCRAPEING THE BUCKET’S BOTTOM TILL MY NAILS BLED. TRYING TO GIVE MORE... REACHING FOR THE NEXT THING TO SAY, TO ENCOURAGE, TRYING TO BE THE NEXT POLE TO PROP THEM UP IN LIFES WILD WINDS OF CHANGE. SOMEHOW I HAD FORGOTTEN TO RECHARGE MY OWN BATTERIES... I HAD TO CHANGE THAT.

MORE THAN ONCE I HAVE HAD TO START OVER. BASICALLY FEELING I WAS BACK AT THAT STARTING SQUARE ON THE GAME BOARD. ABOUT TO ROLL THE DICE TO SEE WHAT IS THE NEXT MOVE, WHAT LIFE HAD TO OFFER. WHAT IS MY NEXT ADVENTURE. SHARING LIFE IS AN ADVENTURE OF GIVE AND TAKE. AND I LOVE THAT! IT WORKS AS LONG AS YOU FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET THROUGH THE ROUGH TIMES AS WELL AS THE GOOD ONES. SOMETIMES IT IS HARD, TO KEEP FROM BEING JUDGEMENTAL AND JUST LOVE... TO BE CONSTRUCTIVE AT ALL TIMES IS AN ART AND ONE THAT REQUIRES A GREAT DEAL OF EXPERIENCE AND I DON’T THINK ANY OF US ACTUALLY EVER REALLY MASTER IT. WE FORGET THAT THE PERSON WE ARE SHARING LIFE WITH IS HUMAN, THAT THEY ARE FULL OF EMOTION AND MAKE MISTAKES, HAVE PAIN AND A PAST JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER HUMAN ON EARTH.

WE ARE ON A PATH... IT HAS VALLEYS AND IT HAS HILLS. EACH ONE IS AN ACCOMPLISHMENT. THERE IS MUCH TO BE LEARNED FROM EACH ONE. WHETHER WE ARE ALONE OR SHARING THE PATH WITH SOMEONE THERE WILL BE PAIN. PERSONALLY I WOULD RATHER SHARE THE PATH AND THE PAIN WITH SOMEONE. EVEN IF IT MEANS I AM SUBJECTED TO SOME OF THEIR PAINS. ULTIMATELY THEY WILL HURT ME. AND I THEM... IT MATTERS NOT HOW HARD WE TRY NOT TO, IT JUST HAPPENS. I HATE MYSELF MOST WHEN I HURT THE ONES I LOVE, AND I FEEL LIKE A FOOL. I RETALIATE FOR SOMETHING THAT IS SAID OR DONE. I REACT, WHICH IS A CHARACTORISIC I HAVE WORKED SO HARD TO DISMANTLE. BUT SOMETIMES IT'S LIKE A PIN PRICK, SOMETHING HAPPENS AND WE GET POKED, SO WE CRY OUT IN PAIN. SOMETIMES THINGS HAPPEN THAT BRING BACK THINGS FROM OUR PAST. THIS BRINGS US BACK IN TIME IN AN INSTANT. WE RESPOND AS IF WE WERE THAT HURT CHILD THAT WE ONCE WERE. THIS I REALLY DISLIKE.. BUT IT SEEMS THAT IT WILL ALWAYS BE WITH ME. A PART OF MY BEING THAT EVEN THOUGH I WORK THRU LAYERS, SET ASIDE PIECES, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SOMETHING THERE TO DEAL WITH. BEHAVIORS IN MYSELF I NEED TO WORK ON... AFTER YEARS OF THERAPY, I REALISE I HAVE PROBABLY ONLY SCRATCHED THE SURFACE OF WHAT LIES WITHIN. STILL I WONDER, WHY ARE WE AS HUMANS SO QUICK TO JUDGE. SO QUICK TO GIVE UP ON LOVE. WE OFTEN SAY LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. WHEN I WONDER, HAVE WE EVEN GIVEN LOVE CHANCE? OR ARE WE RESERVING OURSELF TO OUR OPINIONS WHICH ARE WEIGHTED WITH LACK OF TRUST, HURT FROM PAST, INSECURITIES, AND THE FACT THAT WE KNOW IN OUR HEART THAT WE ARE JUST AS FUCKED UP AS THE PERSON WE ARE IN LOVE WITH. YET WE CANNOT LET THAT BE KNOWN. FOR IF WE LET THAT BE KNOWN THEN WE HAVE SOMEHOW LOWERED OURSELF TO THEIR LEVEL, MADE OURSELF VULNERABLE. SO ULTIMATELY WE GO ON THROUGH LIFE SEARCHING FOR SOMETHING MORE PERFECT, SOMETHING MORE FULFILLING TO MATCH OURSELVES TO WHEN WE HAVE NOT DEALT WITH THE DEMONS INSIDE THAT HAS JUST ROBBED US OF THE BEST THING WE HAVE EVER ENCOUNTERED.
I BELIEVE IN LOVE... I HAVE SEEN WHAT LOVE CAN DO. MY GRANDMOTHER TAUGHT ME SO LONG AGO TO NEVER, NEVER GIVE UP ON LOVE. WHAT SHE FORGOT TO TEACH ME WAS TO LOVE MYSELF FIRST. THAT WAS LOST IN THAT RELIGIOUS LIFE THAT WAS DOWNTRODDEN AND ALL ABOUT SHAME. ALWAYS TAUGHT TO GIVE ONES SELF... LAY ONES SELF LIKE A CLOTH ON THE GROUND TO BE WALKED ON, OR A PALM BRANCH FOR THE GREATER GOOD. IT WAS NEVER HER INTENTION TO HAVE ME FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT MYSELF... NOR WAS IT HER INTENTION FOR ME TO GO THROUGH SOME OF THE THINGS I WENT THRU AS A KID AFTER HER HORRIFIC DEATH ON OUR RANCH. BUT SOMEHOW I HAVE LIVED, HAUNTED WITH AN IMAGE I SAW IN THE MIRROR THAT WAS NOT ACTUAL TRUTH. I HAVE ALWAYS SEEN SOMETHING LOOKING BACK AT ME THAT WAS UGLY. SCARRED, AND THAT NEEDED WORK. THAT WAS NOT LIKE THE BEAUTY THAT I SAW AROUND ME. SOMETHING I WAS ASHAMED OF! THAT I NEEDED TO CHANGE, TO FIX & CREATE A STORY TO GO WITH IT TO MAKE IT BE MORE ATTRACTIVE. SOMETHING THAT IF IT WAS NOT EMBELISHED, WOULD BE LIKE THE TIRED OLD WHEELBARROW THAT I USED TO PUSH THROUGH THE SMELLY CHICKEN BARNS ON OUR FRAM FEEDING THOUSANDS OF CHICKENS. AND WHEN I WAS DONE, IT SAT IDLY COLLECTING DUST, OR RUSTING. PLAIN, UTILITARY AND UNASSUMING... WHEN I SAY THAT OUT LOUD, THE REPSONSE COMES BACK... OH HOW SILLY! OH YOU KNOW BETTER! BUT WHEN I LOOK IN THAT MIRROR THE NEXT MORNING, THERE STANDS THAT PLAIN, AVERAGE ONE THAT NO ONE WOULD PICK OUT OF A CROWD. THAT ONE THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN A LITTLE TOO HEAVY, THAT NEVER HAD PECS, THAT LOST HIS HAIR AT 21, THAT STARTED GETTING THAT FINE LAYER OF CARPET-LIKE BODY HAIR AT 14 AND WAS MADE FUN OF IN SCHOOL FOR BEING THE HAIRY MONSTER. THERE STANDS THAT ONE THAT FOR SOME REASON WAS MADE FUN OF IN SCHOOL BECAUSE I SHOWED UP IN CLEAN CLOTHES AND LOOKED LIKE I WAS DRESSED FOR SCHOOL NOT TO GO HANG OUT IN AN ALLEY AND SMOKE DOPE. OR WAS THE “FAG” BECAUSE I WORE PLEATED PANTS TO SCHOOL INSTEAD OF THE WRANGLERS THAT EVERYONE ELSE WORE, THE SAME ONES I WORE TO WORK IN EVERY DAY ON THE RANCH. THERE STANDS THAT ONE IN THE MIRROR WHO WHEN I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT GIRL AND WAS GETTING MARRIED, HER BROTHERS SAID “ WHY ARE YOU MARRYING THE GAY BOY?” BECAUSE I DIDN’T WEAR CAMO AND GO HUNTING. IN THE MIRROR IS THE MAN WHO CAME HOME AND CLEANED UP BEHIND HIS SLACKER WIFE AFTER WORKING TWO JOBS SO SHE COULD STAY HOME WITH THE TWO KIDS. PILES OF LAUNDRY, DIRTY DISHES EVERYWHERE... BUT HE WAS THE BAD FATHER AND HUSBAND WHO WAS NEVER HOME...
JUDGEMENT.. SO EASILY SERVED. PASSED ON TO THOSE WHO DO NOT FIT THE PROFILE NOR THE PATTERN THAT MAKES EVERYONE ELSE FEEL GOOD. I KNOW THAT I HAVE THINGS TO WORK ON BUT THERE IS NOT A PERSON ON THE EARTH WHO DOESN’T. WHY DO WE HAVE PEOPLE LIKE DR PHIL WHO ARE MILLIONARES TODAY... BECAUSE WE LIVE IN A FUCKED UP WORLD. WHERE WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER PRESSURE TO BE SOMETHING, DO SOMETHING, SUCCEED AT SOMETHING. AND THE TRUTH IS THAT I WANT TO! I WANT TO BE A BETTER PERSON. I HAVE GROWN MORE IN THE PAST 6 YEARS OF MY LIFE THAN PROBABLY THE REST OF MY LIFE COMBINED... AND I OWE A LOT OF THAT TO BEING LOVED AND ACCEPTED BY A MAN WHO HAS THE GUTS TO LOVE ME EVEN THOUGH I AM MOST DAYS MORE OF A MESS THAN HAVING IT TOGETHER. I BELIEVE THAT WHEN WE ARE LOVED THAT WE ARE ABLE TO GROW AND AS WE EVOLVE AS A PERSON, WE WORK THE CRINKLES OUT OF THE FABRIC. SLOWLY WE BECOME MORE CLEAR ABOUT WHO WE ARE, AND WE ARE ABLE TO LET GO OF THINGS THAT HAVE HELD US BACK. I KNOW THAT I HAVE LET GO OF SO MUCH PAIN. I HAVE HAD ANGER IN MY LIFE. ABOUT MY PAST, ABOUT ABUSE, ABOUT THINGS DONE TO ME... AND I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO LET THAT GO... AT TIMES I HAVE FLARE UPS... ESPECIALLY WHERE IT PERTAINS TO ONE PERSON IN MY YOUTH WHO SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY TEACHER AND MY LEADER, BUT INSTEAD WAS MY BIGGEST DAMAGE CAUSER. THESE THINGS SCAR US... THEY LEAVE DEEP UGLY BLACK PLACES IN US... AND OVER TIME THEY HEAL. THINGS WE GO THRU FROM TIME TO TIME BRING THEM TO THE SURFACE, OR A SCAB GETS PULLED LOSE AND WE HAVE TO TOSS THAT AWAY AFTER THE PAIN SUBSIDES. LOVE, ACCEPTANCE AND GUIDANCE IS NEEDED FOR THOSE TIMES. I AM GRATEFUL FOR HAVING THAT! WE HEAR THE SAYING “ THAT WHICH DOES NOT KILL ME MAKES ME STRONGER” AND I SUPPOSE THAT IS TRUE. BUT THERE IS RECOVERY TIME... WHEN AN INJURY OCCURS YOU DO NOT HOP RIGHT UP AND “BECOME STRONGER” WHEN WE GO THRU THINGS WE HAVE TO EVOLVE. TO DIGEST... TO LEARN... I FOR ONE AM HARD HEADED AND HAVE TO LET THINGS SINK IN... I AM ALSO A.D.D. AND GET SO CONFUSED.. I TRY TO TALK AND MY HEAD RUNS FASTER THAN MY MOUTH WILL SPIT IT OUT. I FORGET THINGS... I TALK TOO MUCH... I INTERUPT LIKE A BAD CHILD.. WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING WHAT I AM DOING... I TRY TO EXPLAIN MYSELF AND ALL I DO IS GET MYSELF IN A MESS OF CONFUSION... AND BECOME EMOTIONAL... THAT IS A TRAIT I INHERITED FROM MY MOTHER... AND ONE I DISLIKE MORE THAN ANYTHING!! I WORK AT NOT BEING SO EMOTIONAL!

TRUTH IS THAT WHEN WE FALL IN LOVE EMOTION IS THERE. EVERY DAY. AND WHEN THINGS ARE GOING AS WE WANT THEM TO, WE MOVE ALONG IN A PEACEFUL MODE. AND WHEN WE GO THRU THE TIMES IN LIFE WHERE EVOLUTION IS OCCURING AND WE ARE TRIMMING AWAY THE THINGS THAT ARE NOT SO REFINED IT BRINGS US TO PLACES WHERE ROUGH EDGES GET HONED DOWN. THIS IS WHERE LOVE GETS TESTED. WHERE YOU FIND WHAT THE OTHER ONE IS REALLY MADE OF... AND WHO YOUR REAL FRIENDS ARE. WHETHER IN A RELATIONSHIP OR JUST DEALING WITH THE EVERY DAY GRIND OF LIFE, IT’S WHERE THE RUBBER MEETS THE ROAD. THANK GOD I HAVE HAD THERAPY TO HELP ME THOUGH MANY OF THE PERIODS IN MY LIFE OR I MIGHT NOT BE HERE TODAY. AS WELL AS AT TIMES GETTING SO LOW THAT HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR A FRIEND WHO CAME AND FORCED ME TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT MY ISSUES, I WOULD HAVE SUCCOMBED TO THEM AND BEEN FOREVER LOST. THESE ARE THE TIMES WHEN I WONDER IF WE REALLY SEE WHAT IS GOING ON AROUND US. OR DO WE SOMEHOW WITHDRAW INTO A PLACE THAT ONLY ALLOWS US TO SEE WITH TUNNEL VISION. DO I ONLY SEE MY PROBLEMS? AM I ONLY ABLE TO SEE HOW I AM BEING HURT? DO I NOT REALISE HOW MY RESPONSES ARE HURTING THE ONES AROUND ME MORE THAN I CAN IMAGINE. AND WHEN I REACT OR RETALIATE IS IT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE CUT OF THE TONGUE CAN CAUSE IRREPAIRABLE DAMAGE. SEARING THE MIND WITH HARSH WORDS THAT FOREVER CUT US TO THE CORE. BECAUSE IN THESE TIMES, IF WE DID NOT LOVE, WOULD WE LY AWAKE ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT IN TURMOIL? IF WE DID NOT WANT TO CHANGE AND BE A BETTER PARTNER, SON, DAUGHTER, HUSBAND, WIFE... WOULD WE CRY TILL WE MAKE OURSELVES SICK OVER THE PERSON WHO HAS JUST HURT US SO BADLY? WOULD WE KEEP TRYING TO LOVE SOMEONE WHO REFUSES TO GET HELP WITH PAIN AND ISSUES THAT WERE BROUGHT TO THE RELATIONSHIP OR FRIENDSHIP, AND ULTIMATELY WERE NOT OUR FAULT. BUT BY BEING WITH THAT PERSON WE HAVE DECIDED IN OUR COMMITMENT TO TAKE ON WHATEVER COMES WITH THAT PERSON WE ARE IN LOVE WITH! YOU SEE WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE, YOU LOVE ALL THEIR PARTS. WE ARE EACH LIKE A DIAMOND WITH MANY FACETS. CUTS THAT MAKE US SHINE OR MAKE US DULL. AND WHEN WE MAKE A COMMITMENT TO SOMEONE WE ARE MAKING A COMMITMENT TO ALL OF THEM... WE DO NOT GET TO LEAVE SOME OF THOSE THINGS OUT. THAT WOULD BE LIKE SAYING, OH I WILL BUY THE USED CAR, BUT I REALLY WOULD LIKE TO LEAVE THE CRACKED WINDSHIELD AND STAINS IN THE CARPET, AS WELL AS THE CRACKS IN THE LEATHER HERE AT THE DEALERSHIP!! Sorry!!! JUST NOT THE WAY IT WORKS. IT’S A WHOLE PACKAGE... THIS IS WHERE THAT PART OF LOVE IS PATIENT, LOVE IS KIND... COMES IN... BECAUSE IT REALLY IS TRUE. AND IF YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO TRY AND WORK WITH THE WHOLE PACKAGE THEN YOU MAY NEED TO BE ALONE BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS... WE MAY ASK OURSELVES WHAT WE DESERVE? I HAVE ASKED MYSELF.. WHAT DO I DESERVE? I AM NOT SURE... BUT I THINK I DESERVE THE SAME LOVE I GIVE... THE UNCONDITIONAL, FORGIVING LOVE THAT LOOKS AT LIFE AND REALISES THAT I AM A HUMAN. AND SO IS EVERY PERSON THAT I HAVE LOVED... THAT THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PERFECTION. AND THAT I HAVE ISSUES AND SO DOES EVERY OTHER HUMAN WHO BREATHES AIR. SOMEONE SAYS “OH I HAVE BAGGAGE”... AND SO WHAT... THAT’S LIKE SAYING YOU HAVE EYEBALLS!! GET REAL! IF YOU ARE OLDER THAN THE NEWBORN IN BIRTHING ROOM... YOU HAVE BAGGAGE!!
SO IT’S NOT SO MUCH ABOUT HAVING IT BUT HOW YOU CARRY IT... GRACEFULLY... OR PUSHING IT PILED HIGHER THAN UR HEAD ON THE CART OF LIFE, PILED SO HIGH IN FRONT OF YOU THAT YOU CAN’T SEE WHERE YOU ARE GOING FOR HAVING IT STACKED IN UR WAY! OR MAYBE YOU LEAVE YOURS UNATTENDED IN LIFE'S AIRPORT WHILE YOU RUN ABOUT HELPING EVERYONE ELSE CARRY THEIRS, OR SORT THEIR DIRTY LAUNDRY WHEN THE ZIPPER BREAKS ON THEIR BAGGAGE.... SO IF YOU STAY BUSY POINTING OUT EVERYONE ELSES BAD LUGGAGE, OR HELPING THEM SIFT THRU THEIRS... YOU NEVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOURS! CONVENIENT? NO SAD... BECAUSE WITHOUT YOUR LUGGAGE YOU WILL ARRIVE AT A PIVOTAL MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE AND NOT BE PREPARED TO DEAL WITH WHAT YOU FACE. I KNOW THIS.. BECAUSE I HAVE DONE IT...

AS I HAVE LEARNED MORE AND MORE ABOUT MYSELF...I SEEM TO LEARN THAT THERE IS SOMETHING NEW AND SOMETHING MORE THAT I NEED TO LEARN. SOMETHING I NEED TO WORK ON. I HAVE NOT ARRIVED, BUT ONLY HAVE MOVED TO THE NEXT STEP. WHICH ALLOWS ME TO SEE MORE THINGS ABOUT MYSELF THAT NEED WORK. AS A FATHER, AS A SON, AS A PARTNER, AS A FRIEND, I WANT TO BE BETTER AT LISTENING, AT BEING THE PERSON WHO ACCEPTS WITHOUT JUDGEMENT, WHO GIVES OF MYSELF FOR THE GREATER CAUSE. TO BE THE SUPPORT TO THE PEOPLE I LOVE... TO GIVE RESPECT... BUT MOST OF ALL I WANT TO BE THE BEST ME THAT I CAN BE.. FOR MYSELF. I HAVE A LOT OF WORK ON MYSELF...
BUT I AM EXCITED TO GROW.. TO LEARN... AND BE A BETTER PERSON!
I MAY NEED YOUR HELP...

PEACE TO YOU ALL
AL

Sometimes they make you cry...

2009-03-15T23:22:00.000-07:00

I started writing this a couple weeks ago or so... and never posted it. So today I wanted to finish it...

You pass through this life... things move so quickly. You hold that tiny baby in your arms one day and seems that the next day they are graduating from school. so many times you have tried to tell them how much you love them, to warn them of things that could cause them pain.
Yet they must really learn from their own experience, from their own falling down and getting up. You pray each day they remember some part you told them... tears are there for you know they feel pain, hardship.

You meet that special one... the one who moves you. Touches you deeply, loves you differently than ever. You struggle to put away the fears of your past, to allow love to grow anew! You watch them amoungst others, their actions, their differences in beliefs and opinions... tears are there because some of those things hurt. But you put them aside for the good... learning about yourself that you too react poorly to things and maybe are not as mature as you once thought. Or that the pains of past are not gone away... the real truth is that when you know real love, you are able to speak your mind. Even when you differ on things.. learning to talk them out and be honest makes your life rich! Their touch, their voice becomes your peace! The safe place to be near when life is rolling like a rough sea...

The people who should love you without condition... those cause you most pain. Bring most tears. the expectations, the disapproval. The lack of excitement when your life makes the move to the next plateau. Maybe we struggle to get to the next level because we never feel smart enough, good enough, worthy enough... These are the people who engrained this in us... So we struggle through this all our lives to overcome who we were taught to be, and become who we should have been allowed to be so long ago!

Sometimes we see something, or hear something... that brings us tears. A play, a song.. a comment made in haste by someone who doesn't know what you deal with. The memories can be so deep.. so painful... so intense... so unexplainable!! These can bring the tears.. the deep inner tears, that our soul cries. The ones we cannot dry, or subside by buryin our face in the pillow...

Just remember... all of these things are not bad.. just because they make us cry... for washing our windows cleanses the soul!

Peace,
AL

Fast Track

2009-02-21T14:57:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I have blogged...
Amazing how time flies! Does it ever seem to you that we are on some fast track through life?
That everything is moving at the speed of light...
I turned 38 in January. What an amazing Birthday!
Robb surprised me with a PS3 and blue ray movies. An amazing Red velvet cake, my grandmother's recipe. Dinner at Cyclone Anayas with friends... He's Amazing!

This year my daughter graduates from high school... that will put perspective on age for you.
Eighteen years ago I was just a kid when we brought her home in an ice storm. We were no more than kids ourselves.
There is so much of her life I have not been a part of, but I'm happy to be in her life.
Going there for a holiday and for her graduation this May. She has grown to be such a beautiful young woman. I am proud of her!! And my son as well...

This past year has been interesting to say the least. At times I was not sure I could get up and go another day. Jan 18th was one year anniversary of my back surgery. I am much better than I was before surgery, but still have issues with my hips and low back. I can definately tell I am not as young as I used to be... Fast Track?

I have learned that no matter how difficult days may be... that we learn and we grow as a person only if we choose to... that we are able to look at life through rose colored glasses but we are also able to take them off and see the real world, allbeit not pretty!
I am blessed to be loved... blessed to share my life with someone who respects me & loves me as I am. Funny it has taken me so long to see who I really am... I can be emotional, stubborn, weak... but I think I am stronger today than ever... I am the best me I have ever been.

I hope to just keep getting better at that...

AL

New Life

2008-08-08T12:36:00.000-07:00

Just as a flower springs forth, new growth.

We make decisions in our lives...

These decisions will forever be a part of the history

map known as our past. The fabric of our story... And help

to mold our future path and the directions we take.

I believe it is all part of a painting called Life!

Some may view their painting to be dark with tattered

edges, and even worn thin where it can be seen through.

Others may consider theirs a masterpiece....

Today the documents arrived that state that my partner is legally divorced. Some would congratulate me on the time of waiting for that day to come now being over. Others would ask if I thought it would ever arrive...

In my own mind and life... I have evolved. There was a time when I made a choice to be with the man I had fallen in love with. I knew when I made that decision that some would question my intentions. Some asked me "what the hell are you doing with a married man? You will only get hurt!" Others looked at me as a home wrecker, only here to divide up a family. What was actual truth was that those people really did not know the real truth about myself or my partner. Nor in most cases, was it any of their business! But as so-called friends quite often do, they stick their noses in other people's affairs, wag their tongues regarding things they know little about, and pass judgments making sure the world sees what small minded idiots they are!

So... While the situation may not have been conventional, it was very fitting. For those who really know my partner and I know we are neither of the conventional persuasion. In the early stages, I had fears that one day I might get hurt. That on the day that the divorce came through, there might be something more attractive about being single , footloose and fancy-free, than being with me. But let's be real... when we open our hearts to loving someone. we take a chance. So no matter who you are with, Loving means taking a risk. And might I add, a very Worthy Risk! For in taking that leap of faith, I have grown as a person more than I ever could have imagined. Am loved more than I could ever imagined!

There was a time in my life when I was afraid to be alone. I had been through things in my life that made me have fear living in the dark corners of my soul, my mind. Haunted by the past, I was a fearful person, sometimes like he child who was abused, neglected in some ways, heart-broken, and scared. As I became aware of myself in the past few years and my spiritual dimensions, I came to understand, that those things only have as much effect on me as I give them power to have. As I have shared my fears openly with my soulmate, it has become easier to swing open the closet doors, sweep out the skeletons lying there and move on!

So as we lay in bed talking of the fact I had one feared this day. I think my partner was actually surprised. Somehow maybe I managed to not display those fears. Or maybe he was giving me grace.. LOL. But it was so exciting.. so Amazing to think... Now is yet again New Life!

The Adventure truly begins now! It's like doing due diligence or proving one's self... that you are worthy to go on this trip... No that we needed to prove it to each other. We love and accept each other just as we are!! But like we needed to prove it to The Gods... Like being interviewed to be on "the amazing race" . Like you have overcome society's expected outcome! I detest that! So today I am yet again making myself a promise to live for today! to live for the adventure at hand! To look adversity in the eye and say "kiss my entire ass"!! Because I am happy, I am at peace. And for all you nay-sayers out there... well I am sad for you! Because until you believe in yourself, until you take a chance on love. Until you are ready to live an adventure and not just be stagnant... I can assure you that you will feel unfulfilled!

Do I think I am on top of it all? God no... there is always something to work on! Do I think I know all the answers.. no way! Still learning right this moment! Will continue to do so till I die... But the difference is I am willing...

And congratulations to my soulmate who is moving onward and upward! He is the love of my life! Congratulations to the others out there who are in a new place... new name, new life... Not sure they have a positive outlook on it. But I wish for us all the very best!!

Peace~ AL

Four Boyfriends

2008-08-08T12:24:00.000-07:00

When this was passed to me today I was amazed... as we'd just had a simular conversation about this with a friend of ours last night. I have been frustrated with my recovery time post-surgery being so long and the fact that I will never lift as much as I once did. Concerned with the everyday responsibilities of life. This helped me regain some perspective. I hope it is as helpful to you!
Peace~ AL

Four Boyfriends
Once upon a time there was a girl who had four boyfriends. She loved the fourth boyfriend the most and adorned him with rich robes and treated him to the finest of delicacies. She gave him nothing but the best.
She also loved the third boyfriend very much and was always showing him off to neighboring kingdoms. However, she feared that one day he would leave her for another.
She also loved her second boyfriend. He was her confidant and was always kind, considerate and patient with her. Whenever this girl faced a problem, she could confide in him, and he would help her get through the difficult times.
The girl's first boyfriend was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining her wealth and kingdom. However, she did not love the first boyfriend Although he loved her deeply, she hardly took notice of him!
One day, the girl fell ill and she knew her time was short. She thought of her luxurious life and wondered, 'I now have four boyfriends with me, but when I die, will I be a alone.'
Thus, she asked the fourth boyfriend, 'I loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?'No way!', replied the fourth boyfriend, and he walked away without another word. His answer cut like a sharp knife right into her heart.
The sad girl then asked the third boyfriend, 'I loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, w ill you follow me and keep me company?' 'No!', replied the third boyfriend. 'Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to marry someone else!' Her heart sank and turned cold
She then asked the second boyfriend, 'I have always turned to you for help and you've always been there for me. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?' 'I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!', replied the second boyfriend. 'At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave.' His answer struck her like a bolt of lightning, and the girl was devastated.

Then a voice called out: 'I'll go with you. I'll follow you no matter where you go.' The girl looked up, and there was her first boyfriend. He was very skinny as he suffered from malnutrition and neglect. Greatly grieved, the girl said, 'I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!'
In truth, you have four boyfriends in your lives:
Your fourth boyfriend is your body. No matter how much time and effort you lavish in making it look good, it will leave you when you die.
Your third boyfriend is your possessions, status and wealth.When you die, it will all go to others.
Your second boyfriend is your family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for you, the furthest they can stay by you is up to the grave.
And your first boyfriend is your spirit. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world. However, your spirit is the only thing that will follow you where ever you go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of you that will follow you throughout Eternity.
Author unknown

Mixed Feelings

2008-07-07T11:03:00.000-07:00

The world is a strange place! Every day we meet people... Some are wrapped up in drama. Some are in stages of their life where they are growing. Some are in painful situations, trying to find their way. Others are actually malicious!

I have empathy for those who are caught in drama, and who are growing. I feel pain for those trying to get through painful situations. For in all of those I have recollections of when I was there. Looking for direction, searching for answers, learning about myself. And as the years pass, I never want to stop learning about myself, for in doing this I am able to come closer to being the man I am meant to be. My soul becomes lighter, and clearer as I am able to learn from mistakes, grow by listening to what my heart tells me.

For those wrapped in Drama: it is a smoke filled room. A reality TV show that has no reality.
It is a show for others, guided by the wishes and thoughts of others. People get drama rolling in their lives and it is like the little wheel in the gerbil's cage. A vicious circle! I can remember being caught up in drama and hating it... like I was on a stage show. And I was required to respond in a certain way, in order to please the crowd. Be they my so-called friends, family, or the public.

Growth: We all make choices whether we learn from our life lessons. We each have our own lives, so what we go through is different. I think we forget that at times. There are reasons why we act the way we do, or re-act! I have tried to not be a reactionary person. As a man, I have felt judged in many cases for being an emotional person. I have prayed and wished to not be so emotional. And now I am blessed to be in love with a person who embraces my emotional side and tempers our relationship with a calm balance, a resolve. We each have a past... and with that may come regret. But I have learned that if I choose let go of the ugliness in the past, and try to remember what positive thing I have learned from each situation, it makes me carry less baggage. There may be things we struggle with letting go of... addictions, memories, emotional attachments, loves lost.

Malice: mal·ice
1. A desire to harm others or to see others suffer; extreme ill will or spite.
2. Law The intent, without just cause or reason, to commit a wrongful act that will result in harm to another.
It amazes me how people thrive on this... we see it in movies, on "reality TV", soap operas, amongst so-called friends, and amazingly enough family! To use any piece of information, whether sometimes even knowing if it is even true, in order to tear another person down. That is the true example of malice. And in the gay community, it seems that Fags are the worst! They will say or do anything... ANYTHING... to be in control. And Jealousy runs hand in hand with malice. So when they see you in a relationship, moving in a positive direction, they will try to destroy it. It is so sad... they cannot stand to see someone grow away from old habits, to settle into peaceful situations, and find a soulmate to share life with.

When they see evidence of two people finding happiness, one wonders if they actually react without thinking. I'd like to give people the benefit of doubt... but as I am aging, maturing, I have less faith. Less in others, but more in myself. Which is one of the most amazing things in the world. Because me having faith in myself is something that I have gone without in many times in my life. So I am proud to say I am building a belief in myself! I also believe in others! But I choose to believe in people who are working on themselves, who are wanting to learn from their mistakes, to apply their "life lessons".

I see people who share life as couples... some are there as a support system that has saved each other from certain self destruction, Some are together because they have settled and think they cannot ever do any better so they settle for the first person who shows them attention and then are miserable later. Other people are attracted on such intense levels, but the cannot commit their bodies, their minds, their soul to one person. So they tear each other apart by displaying strange actions in public, disrespecting their partners, and ultimately disrespecting themselves. When your mate is standing in the room with you, or in the bar or wherever you are, what on earth possesses someone to kiss, grope or make out with another person. That makes your partner feel like the old pair of shoes you left on the back steps in the rain because you found some new flip flops on sale and the dollar store. Cheap! Tacky! and disrespected!

So in all, I would say... Search your soul, look into the mirror. See what you are made of...
Are there things you do that intentionally to hurt others? Do you have jealously thriving in your heart because someone has something you dream of? Have you ever considered what it took that person to get to that place in their life? What they have given up or mountain they have climbed to be there? Have you cleaned the skeletons out of your closets? Have you been able to be honest with yourself, much less the person you want to share life with?

I trust we all find more peace each day!!
AL

Stats~

2008-06-07T08:20:00.000-07:00

Well Dallas, it's official...
You are no longer the number one on the list for the "Land of the Bottoms"

According to the Out Magazine statistics

West Virginia ~ holds the title as the most Bottoms.
Hmmm... back woods boys like it like that huh?

Washington DC ~ holds the title as the most Tops.
Go figure! Pushy politicians... "Every man has an inner bottom just waiting to be tapped"

California ~ holds the title as the men who are most Versatile.
The men that get it! "Not missin any of the fun, and screw all you up tight boys who are afraid to admit you take it behind closed doors!!"

Washington State ~ the state with the most men looking for husbands.
This seems to be where the people who have their life together and know what they want live... OMG! A job, a car, a house and a life plan! Pursuit of dreams? And you don't go circuit parties every other weekend or feel the need to be in the bar every weekend? What a concept...

Peace
Al

Obituary

2008-05-15T15:23:00.000-07:00

When I saw this today.. I had to post it...
It truly says so much! And should be taken to heart on so many levels!!

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a Band-Aid to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant or wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

May we all take time to think through our lives and how this applies...

Peace to you all

Dream Catcher

2008-05-08T20:04:00.000-07:00

The skies are blue, the clouds make funny shapes
The boy with golden blonde hair lays in the tall grass
dreaming... Someday... One day...
I will be a singer, and join music that makes people's hearts feel joy
Or maybe an actor, an artist, a dancer, that shows the light hearted display of the soul.
Storms come, thunder rolls, but no fear is too large
His protector is near, His Queen with rough hands, soft words
Lost in adventure amoung the weeds
He builds a castle, where there is peace and beauty.
A beautiful girl, a shiny new car, a driveway lined with trees.
A horse to go riding on, a dashing man to share the time with?
A garden of flowers, tulips bloom, the smell of roses.
Suddenly darkness is everywhere...
The protector, his best friend is gone... leaving fear...
blood on the grass... darkness in the water
nights are filled with terror, images burned into repeated motion
Daylight comes, but the smell is gone from the roses
Strong hands have their way, causing pain, but filling some longing
Dark shadows seem to become a comforting place
the rafters of the creaky barn, the moonlight of night.
Fear is a ruler! purpose seems lost.
He spills his own blood on the soil... no one cares
Oh keep him living, Don't let him die!
But the soul sinks to blackness. scratching at the walls of a well
all around life goes on... everything back to staged normalcy
The boy comforts, his touch is electric.. it brings light
Young bodies collide in firelight... magic
like the stars rain down through Dogwood branches.
Love? gut wrenching emotion...
shhh!!! Secrets! no one can know! Turmoil boils...
Will this electricity doom him? send him to Satan?
he begs his maker" take this away!"
Ecstacy ensues... repeatedly. plans...
Future? Dreams? could it be? the protector anew?
NO! dashed... scorned... threats. Buried feelings, like the dead.
Escape... the girl from boyhood dreams... alive?
Hope... reality? a chance at being free from fear?
Love... growing anew. He holds her in his arms...
Wedding Day, So glorious, so profound he shook at the alter
His body giving in to new feelings, excitement
Children~ Angels!! From heaven!! So beautiful...
striking fear in his heart... fear of failing
So emotional in their beauty!
Reality... the dragon roars!!! she spews fire...
Anger, bitterness creeps in... the darkness is a friend again
Tears are present again.. always. failure...
he wonders "why live"...
Devastation... Family repeats old habits, no support...
Going on with life as nothing is wrong...
shattered hearts are not important...
Boldness begins to build in him. something from the soul
a deep yearning to be free... for others to see him!
to be HEARD! Listen! hear my voice! "I am alive"
he speaks his soul, judgment comes. wrath by some.
A growth is happening.. a new day has dawned.
The protector is not gone.. but looking down from above.
Her presence ever near!! Love grows...
New bonds are made... a man appears...
could it be the man from the childhood dreams?
no.. he knows now those don't come true!
But hope is alive... he holds the mans hand
a bond is built... through rough times it lingers
through good times it flourishes. Fear pokes and prods at times
but through serious loss he holds on to this man,this human...
and sees this man grow. Like a flower, bursting into bloom!
the loss is returned four-fold. He ventures to grow..
His mate is unsure, fear springs forward
Eating at the bond like a cancer. He struggles to conquer
But the other man gives in to fear... Devastation...
The Dragon roars.. Fire soars higher than ever.
The heart is cut deeper than before.
All hope of mending...Lost
Darkness crashes like the oceans waves
He seeks shelter in darker places than ever.
There is no reason to spare... why save anythng?
but the protetor is watching.. the soul sees a light
and it cannot ignore that light. it moves toward the light...
growing, learnng, clearing away ruins as it moves forward.
Becomin strong.. learning he is happy, even alone.
Friends who should stand guard, instead laugh, cause pain...
Feeling new and different that ever before...
Parallells are found in another soul like his
much pain lies there... much lack of trust, like him
resistance is the game for a spell.
Finally giving way to a love that is deeper than he's ever known
space, time invoke... responsibilites drag on
for what seems eternity...
But all the while his soul grows to new heights.
Gettin to share adventure for the first time in his life
He eeks out the words to tell of the boy who lay in the grass dreaming
overwhelmed with tears and emotion... Newness...
Fear rears its head... doubts and humanity throw stones in the path
but the Love he now shares seems rooted deeper
Deeper rooted than the winds of time and fear are able to uproot!
Emotions spill over, he appologizes. feels silly...
But the stars report that it is a part of the making...
Those same stars shone on a boy many years ago!!!
Time passes, evolution occurs...
The ugly dragon rears her head... and screams
And makes off with the goods to feed her raging hunger
leaving damage to reckoned with...
A scene like a fire... where he looks and says... Again?
Smoking embers burn the feet.. the stench turns the stomach!
He screams at the four walls!!!
WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN GOD DAMN IT!!!
MAY THE DRAGON BEAST ROTT IN HELL WITH ALL HER SPOILS!!!
So the mending begins...
Today it seems bleak, like the path is uphill, rocky.
Like a sentence has been served...
"the time till you can move on to your dreams , to your adventures, is this long"
and so he learns... patience...
what? are the Gods trying him? what lesson is to be taken from this?
how can it be made into inspiration? what can he do with this?
the sun sets... but darkness no longer has it's hold...
he curses it! and it leaves!
Each day is his own!!
To Love! To Grow! To Learn....

Peace or pain

2008-04-25T21:20:00.000-07:00

So what is it that life is made up of? Is it our joys? Our pains?
Does it take so much of the latter to make the tapestry be sufficient to withstand the winds of time? I think sometimes I am so far off the path of where I had pictured myself at 37.
Maybe I never had a clear understanding of what that path was... I think for so many of my younger years I followed a path directed or laid out by someone else. What they thought was best for me...

Pain seems so ever-present. Like those we want to draw close to us only drift further and further away. And the more we stand for who we are the less they are near us. I think I am learning that this is because we do less to facilitate them and their needs, wants or causes.
We get used more often that we realize. Used as a stepping stone to climb higher on the ladder of success. Used to mooch off of to make it through till times are better then walk away. Always wanting something, but not really willing to give in return what was offered to them.
Sadly myself, I have had women do me the dirtiest. They have been the most vindictive. Most self centered, thoughtless people in my life. Don't get me wrong, I've been cut to the bone by the male species as well.

I guess I have a hard time knowing how people sleep at night. How they an feel good about themselves, some call themselves christian. It is really amazing how they an even look you in the eye after the things they do. I would be so ashamed I would hide and never show my face again if I acted like such a hypocrite. And yes if you are out there reading this, with guilt in your heart, God help you!!! God save your black soul, thus it be damned! (yes you, from my employer, for one) I believe that what is given is returned! and I have seen it happen in my lifetime... Sad, but real! Some of these people must have no conscience, no truth or honesty in them at all.

I have had my own family members use me for their own good. Maybe they don't mean to in forethought but they don't stop. Don't apologize. Never try to make a difference. They incorporate people into their lives who move the steadily away from their family. From those who love them most, who hold their secrets close. They think only of how they can improve on their own wants being met, what gets them their next fix. No they're not a drug addict, but they are just as addicted to things, that make them behave the way they do. Addiction like a sad sickness taking over their soul like a cancer.

I am sad tonight... moving only in a direction of what works for me. What feeds my soul? what do I focus and grasp to center myself in a spiritual depth. Cleansing my mind to give it peace. Finding what actions I take to reach synergy with the inner peace I know that is available. What people will no longer be a part of my life, what persons will be drawn to the closeness of peace! Scary, but necessary to survive in this world of pain and strife!

Peace to you all.
AL

These days...

2008-04-23T09:42:00.000-07:00

I was in thought this morning... last night... layin in bed...
Got to wondering.
How is it that all of us gay men who decided to marry and try playin it straight, or who came out later in life ended up marryin the most bitter, decietful, evil women on the planet?
They all seem to be selfish, slobs, with some kinda of vendetta or agenda.

So many great guys I know have divorced and been taken to the cleaners by their exes. Hell, I managed to give everything to my ex for the sake of my kids. Then met a man, helped him build a beautiful life, come out to his family and build a successful business, and even he turned out to be a greedy, selfish, psychopath. It is like we are magnets to the pain...
Starting with childhood... abuse from parents, family members, adults around us. They prey upon us and somehow we get trapped in a cycle of relationships, friendships where we are used as a doormat. We learn to omit things rather than be honest, lie about our real thoughts, we hide our feelings, enternalize everything and many self destruct. I myself came close and am proud to say that I am a survivor!

I just become sad seeing people get used. I get angry when I get put upon, to this day! By people who think they have all the answers! They think they can go talking trash, telling you what is the best thing for you to do... HOLD UP! Walk a mile in my shoes! Live in this headspace! Feel my heart and the pain I have lived through! have done to you what I have had dome to me... Then we will talk! Till then, sweep your own doorstep honey! And make sure you know what is goin on at home before you go judging those around you!

Family: Now there's a topic we could talk on all day! Hell all week, all year!! Some are lucky enough to have family who accepts them as the person they are, and does not judge them. I am blessed to have two children who are in contact with me. They love me, and know that I love them more than anything! I have stayed connected to them, supported them and will continue to. I do not see them as much as I'd love to.. but that is ok... some people don't get to see theirs at all. So I am eternally grateful!! I was recently crucified for a blog i passed along to non-bloggers to read about how my kids have grown up so quickly, how times flies and it's amazing to see them grow. And about how I am sad to only see them for short amounts of time, how I'd love to see them for longer times if life permited it. It was totally taken out of context and seen as an attack on my ex. Go figure!! It was written with no malice, not directed at anyone.. was about a song I hear that day and an emotion it brought forward. Then, I got again lam-blasted by an in-law we will call him... for lack of a better politically correct term, about how dare I attack my Ex-wife. and all this BS about how I should be ashamed of myself for even saying such things... Again... outta context... was not directed at anyone. Funny thing was, the blog was about my personal feelings that day, emotions, that I sent to those I felt closest to. In sending it to my ex-wife and my brother-in-law... it was a step in my part to include them in a close knit network of people i hold dear to my heart. So I was reaching out in a way, to try to be closer. And instead I get 42 emails about what abad person I am... unreal!!

What really amazed me was that the "advice" I got on this was so reactive, and from someone who has so much left to deal with in their own life it is unbelieveable. Taking responsibility for your own actions is far more amirable! Like being man enough to care for ones health and the health of others. Going through life in a haphazzard manor and putting others people at risk because we as humans are too weak or too chickenshit to face our own fears is not acceptable!
I am sad because there are people close to me being less than responsible!

As for family, mine are no longer close. All that used to be a close knit unit is now a shell of what was. So many are trapped in the relics of religious bindings, so caught up in their beliefs they cannot see that their closest relatives have drifted away. Reality of life has made some of us evolve, while other remain stagnant in yesterday's way of living. Thinking if they only pray harder we will all return to the ship and live our life in the time warp with them. "The Good Ship" has sailed.. and they cannot see that they are left on a sinking island. So we move on, we live our lives, and we learn to let go. Because it is impossible to climb inside someones head, to give them the shot in the heart that they need to see the evolving world around them.

I think as I lay in bed thinking, I was overwhelmed with sadness. As it is so depressing that people cannot grasp that they are loved! that they have the opportunity in front of them to walk in sunshine.. move past fears, to let go of past pains, to grow to new heights... instead we hang on to old pains and rag them along with us like a dead horse we are sentenced to drag along each day. Accompanied by the stench and rotting smell of it reminding us.. "still here" "still weighing you down"!! People are so unable to share love... to see that we are capable os such great and might loves!! I guess I want to be like mother Theresa or Princess DI.. I wnat to show the world that there is Love, that there can be peace in our hearts. We only have to be bold enough, Brave enough!! to show it... to share it!! and not just with one! but many!!!

Are you brave enough? Are you bold enough? Are you willing to share love? Or are you self consumed? I know from experience when we love... it comes back many times over!!

Peace
AL

The clothesline

2008-04-23T09:24:00.000-07:00

A POEM
A clothes line was a news forecast
To neighbors passing by.
There were no secrets you could keep
When clothes were hung to dry.
It also was a friendly link
For neighbors always knew
If company had stopped on by
To spend a night or two.
For then you'd see the 'fancy sheets'
And towels upon the line;
You'd see the 'company table cloths'
With intricate design.
The line announced a baby's birth
To folks who lived inside
As brand new infant clothes were hung
So carefully with pride.
The ages of the children could
So readily be known
By watching how the sizes changed
You'd know how much they'd grown.
It also told when illness struck,
As extra sheets were hung;
Then nightclothes, and a bathrobe, too,
Haphazardly were strung.
It said, 'Gone on vacation now'
When lines hung limp and bare.
It told, 'We're back!' when full lines sagged
With not an inch to spare.
New folks in town were scorned upon
If wash was dingy gray,
As neighbors carefully raised their brows,
And looked the other way...
But clotheslines now are of the past
For dryers make work less.
Now what goes on inside a home
Is anybody's guess.
I really miss that way of life.
It was a friendly sign
When neighbors knew each other best
By what hung on the line!

When I reieved this today, I had to share it.
It brought back so many childhood memories. Memories of my grandmother and the simpler, happier times on the ranch. When we'd play amoung the damp sheets. Ridin stick horses, and feeling the cool of the cloth on our skin in the summer heat. Beneath our clothesline was a huge patch of irises. In spring they bloomed a pale purple. They gave a faint fragrance to the sheets when they hung there to dry. At the end of the clothesline was a pine tree... I remember my grandmother telling how she found the little sapling uprooted where they were building the highway near our ranch. She brought it home and planted it... with tender care, it is now a tall stately pine tree. Our clothesline was near the garden in the back yard, where we would sit and shuck corn, or snap green beans to can. The sunset from that spot in the world was amazing... the most beautiful shades of orange and red... I miss those days! Life was simple, and I felt more love, more peace then than ever in my life... thank you Mama Jewell!!
I know you are there just on the other side mindful of my life here today!
Peace
AL

Myself

2008-04-17T11:29:00.000-07:00

Today is such a good day!
I have learned so much in the last few hours. I could go on and on about those things...
But the most important one is this!

I made myself a promise! A pledge!
I WILL NOT SHOW UP FOR ANOTHER DAY OF MY LIFE WITHOUT BEING TOTALLY MYSELF!!To show up in my life as myself an not an imitation of what people want to see!
I am promising myself to be present in every day, every hour and every moment of my life!
To live life to the fullest and in the way I see fit. I have always filled my life with doing things I believe in.. but sometimes I have hushed myself for fear of not wanting to make anyone uncomfortable.
No longer! I will say NO! When I don't agree, I will say so. When I feel I need to be myself I simply will be!
I promise myself to believe in myself. Every day! To look at myself in a new light...
and to kick dirt in the face of negativity!!

I hope if you read this that you take the challenge to believe in you!!
Don't let anyone tell you are anything less than beautiful! Worthy!

Have a great day!
Peace
AL

Miracles

2008-04-16T10:10:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those days when I woke, that I just wanted to stay in bed. Sadly I seem to be having too many of them lately! I could go on about why... From not working, being off work post surgery, to just feeling like I am failing in some important areas of my life. I got news yesterday that this summer, I will only see my kids for about 5 or 6 days. They are getting older. My daughter has a job now. And don't get me wrong, I am proud of her!! She is saving money to go to Israel for an amazing trip. I'd love to have the money to just pay her way. I'd wait, let her work to pay her way, as I feel that is good learning experience. Then surprise her by paying for it if I could! But anyway.... It just hit me hard that I will not see them for very long this summer.

Life evolves, we are a living evolution. No matter what relationship we talk about, It evolves. I was taught all my childhood life to not believe in evolution. How wrong that was!! This world evolves! And if you are living in it, you are evolving as well. How you evolve is probably the most important part!! The older I get there are parts of my life I look at and think," I could have done that better"! But for the most part I believe I have done the best I knew how to to at that given moment. Each relationship we are in evolves as we age. We either cultivate it, feed it and make it deeper and more meaningful, or we grow steadily away from it. This is the pain we feel as a parent, or a surrogate parent when our children grow up and move on. We want to maintain that relationship we had when they were under out care. But they become independent, they become their own person, and we have to make room for them to have their own life, or we get cut out of theirs. We may not agree with their choices, but I personally believe that our true spirit is to love them regardless! To accept them no matter how different their path is from ours. How are we supposed to know what their spiritual walk or integrity is made of, how are we supposed to live in their shoes, in their soul? We cannot!! We must trust that they have learned to follow the path best for them. The quickest way to dig a ravine between us is to start offering unsolicited advice. I have always tried to communicate to my children I am open to hear about anything, and not judge them for who they are. They "can" tell me anything, but it does not mean they will. This is true in many other relationships as well.

Today as I lay in bed thinking of what I needed to do... I was inclined to pull the covers over my head and cry. I turned on the TV and put on American Idol on the DVR, which I have never watched till this year while I have been off work. I was looking at it with the same critical look that I do at times, thinking what person will they vote off today. All of them are so talented! and Amazing that they are pursuing their dreams!! Mariah Carey was this week's mentor. I was like... "oh lord" I have always thought of her as being kinda fake. The dress code, the big boobs, etc.. just not my thing. But as I watched her talk, she was so down-to-earth, and encouraged the contestants to "be themselves", to not change who they are for anyone! Something I so very much believe in!! The youngest of the contestants was up first, and as he sang from his heart, his version of the song that Whitney Houston and Mariah had sang, the tears rolled down my face. Because for the first time in my life I heard what that song really says... I had to get out of bed and come sit here at this computer and write. One of the things I know I am destined in life to be doing. Writing! I want to share the words to this song, because it is what my soul is longing for the world to see, to hear and to believe in! Especially those closest to me, the ones I love the most!!

Many nights we prayed, with no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song, we barely understood
Now we are not afraid, although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains long, before we knew we could

Chorus:
There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracle, you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe.

In this time of fear, when prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seems like the summer birds, too swiftly flown away
Yet now I'm standing here, my heart so full I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words, I'd never thought I'd say

Chorus: One octave higher:
There can be miracles, When you believe (When you believe)
Though hope is frail, It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles, You can achieve (You can achieve)
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe

I trust that you are inspired today to look in the mirror and say:
I believe in me!!!
I deserve to be happy!!
I am loved!!

Peace,
AL

Music of the Heart

2008-03-01T11:04:00.000-08:00

DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE SONG? OR A FAVORITE BAND? OR SINGER?
I THINK WE ALL DO...
HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT HOW MUSIC EFFECTS YOUR MIND?
A MEMORY WILL BE BROUGHT BACK...
YOU CAN CLOSE YOUR EYES AND BE TRANSPORTED, LIKE A TIME MACHINE.
I LOVE THAT.

I USED TO LAY IN THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF MY STEREO WITH CDS STREWN ACROSS THE FLOOR LISTENING FOR HOURS. SINGING ALONG... SOMETIMES CRYING, SOMETIMES LOST IN THE MEMORIES OF WHAT A CERTAIN SONG MEANT.
WHO IT WAS THAT MADE THAT SONG SPEIAL IN MY LIFE. OR THE EVENT THAT CATAPULTED THAT SONG INTO THE "FOREVER TOP LIST" OF MY MIND!

MUSIC IS SO THERAPUTIC... IT CAN LIFT YOU UP. CLEANSE YOUR SOUL... HELP YOU WORK THROUGH THE TOUGHEST MOMENTS IN YOUR LIFE. IT INSPIRES ME! I CAN BE TOTALLY DRAGGING AND TURN ON A FAVORITE AND IT MAKES THE ENERGY SOAR!

I GUESS THOSE OF US FROM THE GEN-X CROWD ARE DIFFERENT... THE 80'S WERE AMAZING! MUSIC WAS TOTALLY AWESOME! AND I FIND I STILL NEED THAT AROUND! AND I NEED IT LOUD! TURN IT UP!!! SO I CAN FEEL IT ALL THE WAY TO MY SOUL!
THERE IS A GREAT HAPPINESS THAT COMES FROM THAT! HEAVEN HELP THOSE OF YOU WHO DO NOT KNOW THE JOY THAT MUSIC CAN BRING...

I CHALLENGE YOU TO FIND IT... IT WILL BE SOMETHING THAT STICKS WITH YOU FOR ALL TIME!
PEACE TO ALL...
GO JAM!
AL

Decide and Do...

2008-02-18T13:19:00.000-08:00

Today I was thinking through the next few weeks of my life.
Rehab therapy comin up. To recover from the major back surgery that I had on Jan 18th.
Gona take some determination! But gettin healthy, and in better shape is what I have wanted to do! So now I have even more reason to do so!

I opened my email and here was this amazing quote passed to me from our friend Patrick. About success, and how we hold ourselves back from it, for the sheer sake of fear! Fear of acheiving it. WOW! I look around me... I am watching a show on Oprah about "the Secret". The key to overcoming the obstacles in our life. I just a few days ago watched a show on self image, and learning to look in the mirror and love what we see! On my night stand is the book, Finding My Own North Star, and beside my chair is the book "Excuse me, Your Life is Waiting".

I think to myself... What good are all of the "motivational" things in the world, if we don't do what this little word of advice suggests! Thanks P'k!! Much appreciated is the reminder to...

Decide and do
The route to success in any area of life can be summed up in a simple, easy-to-remember formula. Decide what you wish to do, and then do it.
That may seem entirely obvious, and indeed it is. Yet even though the path to success is so clear and simple, many people have great difficulty following it.
The decision of what to do can be greatly hindered by doubts, fears, insecurities and worries, as well as by confusion over priorities. To get past all that, remember that every doubt is a creation of your own mind, and deep within you is an authentic purpose that can transcend any challenge.
When it comes to taking action, there can be all sorts of justifications and excuses for not doing so. To move forward anyway, it's important to keep in mind that every moment is an opportunity to create value for your life and your world.
When you choose to do nothing with this moment, the opportunity it contains is gone forever, never to return. Choose instead to invest yourself in effective action, and the potential value of this moment is transformed into real, actual, lasting value in your life.
Decide how you can best express the values and dreams that mean so much to you. Then take step after step to successfully bring your decisions to life.
-- Ralph Marston

So let's all get to it!!! Good luck!!! Believe in yourself!!
Peace
AL

Today...Live & Love

2008-02-12T15:02:00.000-08:00

Today is a new day, an opportunity
I allow myself to daydream!
I ask myself… Who am I?
Where am I going?

What am I doing with myself?
I live in a republican state.
I am not republican.
Live in a country that has more support,
for death penalty than gay marriage.

My family loves me…
But deep down believe my life dooms me to hell.
I was raised Christian.
Today I am spiritual.
God is a part of my life, and I feel accepted and loved.

My memory is not what it once was,
I am not physically where I want to be.
At 37, I feel I have lived the life of at least a 50 yr old.
And I really think age is just a number…
You are only as old as you feel!

I believe as children, we can be victims
As adults, I believe we are only put upon when we allow it.
People can only do to us, what we allow them to do!
Take care of yourself! At home, at work, wherever you go!
Believe in yourself! It pays off!!!

I am eternally blessed! I know what it’s like to love and be loved!
No, not just butterflies. Not just romance…
Partnership, commitment, facing fears!
Being treated as an equal!!
That is real love! Sharing ALL of life!

I am proud to be a father!
I am proud that I have the right to be free!
I am proud to be American!
Proud to be a dual citizen of Canada.
And proud to share my life with a man!

I detest labels! Must we all fit in a box?
Gay? Straight? Republican? Democrat?
Baptist? Pentecostal? Agnostic?
Why must we put things in a labeled category?
LIVE and Let Live!!!

inspiration...

2008-02-01T11:53:00.000-08:00

Today I have been flooded with emotions... dunno if I am just havin a day...
or if I am meant to reach someone today.
Maybe just time for me "wash my windows", soul search...
Maybe just life...

Kirk Franklin's "Tribe of Judah" Choir came on Ellen singing...

"Lately I've been going through some things that's really got me down
I need someone, somebody to come and help me turn my life around
I can't explain it I can't contain it , Jesus your love is so, it's so Amazing!
It gets me high, up to the sky, and when I think about your goodness
It makes me wanna Stomp!
makes me clap my hands! Makes me wanna dance! Stomp!
My brother can't you see, I've got the victory! Stomp!"

When I hear a choir it makes me feel so good...
Makes me wanna dance... I was sitting here in tears...
I have spent so much time thinkin of my friend who passed away.
Saddened by the void, and as always, wondering why?
We were not close friends, but had spent a fair bit of time talking online.

Life is so full...
Full of pain, full of expectations, full of disappointments.
Maybe sometimes we create some of those.
Maybe we even feed hem or make them worse, but nevertheless, they are real.
to us anyway... whether anyone else sees or feels them.
And who are we to judge what someone feels?

I was inspired and uplifted today!
Whatever you are dealing with,
Whatever you face, I hope you find what it is to help you deal...
Always know that there is someone out there going through something simular.
and even if they don't know how to communicate it...
There is certainly people out there who care!
peace
al

Big Boy Angels

2008-01-31T19:10:00.000-08:00

So was a windy, sunny day in Texas like so many others. I went through my routine like that I have developed since having surgery. Moving slow... dressing myself... feeling a bit of pain, taking my meds, using my walker to pass through the house. Lamenting not getting our living room painted before my surgery, people are coming over for Robb's birthday party. Would have loved to get the bathroom painted in the hall... oh well. Having my lunch that my soulmate made me before he left for work. Watching TV, talked to some people from work who checked on me to see how I am doing. Was nice to be missed! I called my Dr to ask about my sore ribs. apparently it's quite normal after a surgery like mine to have symptoms like bruised ribs. Write my journal... talk to my mom. Text from a friend to see how I am improving post-surgery.

There is so much that runs through my mind. I know Robb is going through emotions dealing with his divorce. Even though it's been a long time comin, things have changed, and the way he had planned for the divorce to be executed got nixed by others being vendictive. My daughter has gone through things this year becoming a young woman that I guess I had hoped she would not have to go through. I have struggled to communicate with her as openly as possible. She is too much like me I fear...

I think through the process of my upcoming therapy and Rehab. And I go through the whole thing in my mind... will power.. will power.. will power...

Then...
a friend messaged me... to tell me that a friend of ours had passed away. That he'd found it too difficult to be here and deal anymore... I was so stunned... When chills run down my spine it is different. I have metal back there now. My heart ached... I thought, what could I have done? called more often? emailed? said something more? Such a good guy.. a good looking man! I had to stop and reflect... to be grateful for getting to know him while he was here.
and to know that now there is yet another "Big Boy Angel" on the other side lookin out for me!
We will miss ya B!!
PEACE

True Equality = JUST ME

2008-01-29T14:28:00.000-08:00

TODAY I HAVE BEEN OVERWHELMED WITH THE THOUGHTS ON HOW WE AS A SOCIETY ARE SUCH LABEL FANATICS. WE ARE BROUGHT UP TO BELIEVE THAT EVERYTHING SHOULD FIT WITHIN A PATTERN, FOLLOW A PATH, AND BE A PART OF SOME GREATER GROUP. WE IN THE UNITED STATES, I BELIEVE, ARE SOME OF THE WORST FOR THIS... DEMANDING COMFORMITY! TO FIT INTO A PARTICULAR PARTY, A CERTAIN SECTOR, OR FOLLOW A LEADER WITHOUT QUESTION.

WE PUBLISH MAGAZINES TO SELL PRODUCT... BUT MORESO TO LET US SEE WHAT "PERFECTION" IS! THIS IS HOW WE SHOULD LOOK... FASHION MODELS ARE ANEREXIC AND OUR KIDS DOLLS ARE FASHIONED TO BE SHOWING SOME KIND OF SEX APPEAL. GIRLS TODAY ARE GROWING UP SO FAST... LAY DOWN THE DOLL, PICK UP THE MAKEUP, BY 12 THEY LOOK LIKE THE PATHETIC POP ROCK STAR STAR. WHO IS NOW SPIRALING OUT OF CONTROL ON DRUGS, PARTIES, TWO KIDS, DIVORCED AND THE MEDIA ONLY MAKES IT A HAYDAY OF FEEDING US MORE OF HER MISTAKES. OH NO WAIT!!! SHE'S A ROLE MODEL.. UR WUZ.. IS.."OH I AM CONFUSED"!!

TURN ON THE NET... LETS SEE... SELL YOU SOMETHING TO MAKE YOU LOSE WEIGHT, ENLARGE YOUR PENIS, AND LIVE FOREVER. EXCEPT... THOSE WEIGHTLOSSWONDERPILL... TRIMSPA.. ISN'T THIER MODEL DEAD NOW? LEAVIN BEHIND HER CHILD FOR THE UNKNOWN FATHER SHE NEVER MARRIED TO FIGHT OVER HER? AND, IF THERE WAS NO $$$, IF SPOKESPERSON MOM HAD STILL BEEN LIVING IN THAT TRAILER SHE WAS RAISED IN WHEN SHE DIED, WOULD ANY MAN HAVE BEEN FIGHTING FOR THAT BABY?

2008 ROLLS AROUND, I WENT SHOPPING FOR AN EYE ANDY CALENDAR. SOMETHING I HAVE DONE EVERY YEAR FOR YEARS. THAT BEAUTIFUL HUNKY MAN TO GREET YOU EACH MORNING AS U GET READY FOR WORK. HMMM... THAT MAGAZINE THAT YOU SUBSCRIBE TO.. THE LATEST FASHION... ARE U EVER GONNA BE A SIZE 3? HELL NO!
MILES AND MILES OF WEB PAGES, JUST THE NEXT CLICK OF THE MOUSE BRINGS THE SCROLLING PIX OF THE HOT YOUNG THING. PERFECT SKIN, PERFECT BODY, MAKING US LUST AFTER THEM, WISH TO BE THEM, OR HAVE ONE OF THEM IN OUR BED. MICHEAL JACKSON SANG IT.. P.Y.T. PAGE AFTER PAGE, HOURS, DAYS SLIP BY.... WHO CAN'T GET LOST LOOKING AT BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE? BUT WHAT DOES IT DO TO OUR SELF WORTH? I THINK I AM LEARNING IT ONLY MAKES ME DISLIKE WHAT I SEE IN THE MIRROR EVEN MORE. SO WHY DO THAT TO MYSELF? WHY COMPARE MYSELF TO 7% OF THE WORLDS POPULATION? FOR REAL... LESS THAT 7% OF THE WORLDS POPULATION EVER ENDS UP ON TV, IN A MAGAZINE OR IN THE NEWS. AND THAT INCLUDES SHOWS LIKE COPS AND THE TRASH MAGS. SO THE"SO CALLED" BEAUTIFUL PORTION IS EVEN LESS THAN THAT.

I AM DECIDING THAT I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT. THAT IT SHOULD NOT MATTER IF I AM A GUY OR A GAL. THAT IT IS IRRELIVANT WHETHER I SLEEP WITH A MAN, A WOMAN OR BOTH! BEING REPUBLICAN, DEMOCRAT, OR INDEPENDANT DOES NOT DEFINE WHO I AM! NOR DOES BEING BUDDIST, PENTECOSTAL, BAPTIST, AGNOSTIC OR WHATEVER... NONE OF THESE DEFINE ME AS A PERSON!! THEY ARE LABELS! THEY ALL HAVE REASON, THEY ALL HAVE WORTH. BUT WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT IS THE PERSON... ME!! ME AS A PERSON HAS MORE WORTH!!! IT MATTERS NOT WHO I LOVE, WHO I AM MARRIED TO, WHO I DIVORCE, WHO I HANG WITH OR DECIDE I DO NOT WANT TO HANG WITH... NONE OF THOSE ATE THE DEFINITION OF ME!!

SHOULD YOU BE JUDGED BECAUSE YOU LIKE PURPLE? OR BECAUSE YOU LIKE TO EAT YOUR CORN MIXED WITH YOUR MASHED POTATOES? YOU LIKE BJORK... OK... WE CAN OVERLOOK THAT... lol!

ALL I AM SAYIN IS "WHEN DID WE BECOME SO DAMN JUDGMENTAL?" I REALLY DISLIKE IT ABOUT MYSELF... I WANT PEOPLE TO ALWAYS FEEL THEY CAN BE THEMSELVES WHEN THEY ARE IN MY COMPANY. AND ALL YOU CHRISTIANS OUT THERE!! YEA I AM TALKIN TO YOU! YOU WANT TO LIVE LIKE CHRIST? THEN LOVE... LOVE=ACEPTANCE LOVE EVERYONE!!! THAT'S WHAT CHRIST SAID!!!
E V E R Y O N E !
YEP.. ALL OF EM... BLACK, WHITE, MEXICAN,FAGS,STR8, BI, FANATICS, REPUBLICANS, DEMOCRATS.... YOU HEARD IT!!!
EVERYONE!!!

PAUL McCARTNEY WROTE "EBONY AND IVORY" IN 1982... HE AND STEVIE WONDER SANG ABOUT HOW THERE IS GOOD AND BAD IN EVERYONE. BLACK & WHITE LIVING SIDE BY SIDE... GOD BLESS EM!!!

MICHEAL JACKSON AND LIONEL RICHIE ORGANIZED "WE ARE THE WORLD" ALONG WITH OTHER SINGERS IN 1985 IN THE "USA FOR AFRICA" RAISING MONEY FOR STARVING PEOPLE... BUT WHAT ABOUT HERE IN OUR OWN CITY? OUR OWN STATE? OUR OWN COUNTRY?
WE DON'T EVEN HAVE MANDATORY RECYCLING IN THE MAJOR CITIES IN THIS COUNTRY. WHAT ARE WE DOING TO CONSERVE ANYTHING FOR OUR CHILDREN?
THE POPULATION OF THE USA IS LIKE 7% OF THE WORLDS POPULATION, YET WE USE 33% OF THE RESOURCES USED UP IN THE WORLD EACH DAY.
NO WONDER WE ARE LOOKED AT AS THE ARROGANT AMERICANS... MAYBE WE SHOULD LOOK IN THE MIRROR... AND GO OMG!!!
FAT... WASTEFUL... JUDGMENTAL... PORN ADDICT... CHICKENSHIT!!!
GROW SOME BALLS... STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU WANT.. FOR WHO YOU ARE.. LIVE YOUR DREAMS... GO GET THEM... STOP WAITING ON THE WORLD TO BRING THEM TO YOU!!! CAUSE YOUR LIFE WILL PASS YOU BY AND YOUR DREAMS WILL MELT LIKE SPRING SNOW...

MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE TITLED THIS AFTER THE HEART SONG "TELL IT LIKE IT IS"
MAYBE I WRITING MORE TO MYSELF THAN ANYONE ELSE... EITHER WAY...
I HOPE IT STRIKES A CHORD WITH SOMEONE! IF IT PISSES YOU OFF.. WELL GOOD... THEN AT LEAST YOU GOT YOUR COALS STOKED TODAY! CAUSE I WANNA BE YOUR FRIEND... BUT I WANT YOU TO ALWAYS BE KNOWIN WHAT I THINK.. AND WHERE WE STAND!!!
al

Zealot Ignorance

2008-01-26T15:02:00.000-08:00

THIS WEEK WAS A SAD WEEK... THE LOSS OF HEATH LEDGER MADE ME SAD! SUCH AN AMAZING ACTOR, FATHER, AND SUPPORTER OF CIVIL RIGHTS. A RUGGEDLY GOOD LOOKING GENTLEMAN, HE COULD PLAY THE KNIGHT OR THE GENTLEMAN, THE SUAVE LOVER OR THE CLOSETED COWPOKE. TO THINK SUCH A TALENTED YOUNG MAN WAS FIGHTING WITH INSOMNIA ISSUES THAT LED TO HIS DEATH WAS VERY SAD TO HEAR....

WHAT IS EVEN MORE SAD IS TO HEAR THAT REV. PHELPS AND HIS BAND OF IDIOTS ARE PLANNING TO PICKET THE FUNERAL. THAT THIS IS THE WRATH OF GOD BEING SERVED UP TO THOSE WHO ARE GAY OR IN THIS CASE SUPPORTED AND "ACTED" GAY. AS IF GOD IS SITTING, WAITING TO PUNISH SOMEONE FOR THEIR PART IN A MOVIE, A PLAY OR MUSICAL. WHAT KIND OF SMALL-MINDED IDIOTS DO WE SHARE THIS GLOBE WITH?

I AM SO TIRED OF GOD BEING USED FOR THE BENEFIT OF WHAT MAKES EVERYONE FEEL SUPERIOR. FOR THE USE OF PASSING JUDGEMENT OR GETTING THEIR AGENDA ON THE BILLBOARD. WHEN CHRIST WAS ON THIS EARTH, HE THREW PEOPLE LIKE YOU OUT OF THE TEMPLE!!!!

"BE NOT DECEIVED, GOD IS NOT MOCKED" GAL 6:7

AND WHAT A MOCKERY IT IS THAT PEOPLE LIKE REV PHELPS USE THE NAME OF GOD TO JUDGE OTHERS. TO PREACH HATE!! TO DEMEAN THE MEMORIES OF GOOD PEOPLE HERE ON THIS EARTH. WHO ARE WE TO JUDGE? I SAY HYPOCRITES!!!

JUDGE NOT LEST YE BE JUDGED!!!

Let's look at the passage in its context:
MATTHEW 7:1-5:
"Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull the mote out of thine eye; and behold, a beam is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast the mote out of thy brother's eye."
Clearly, it is hypocritical judgment that this Scripture condemns. (Look at verse 6, and 13-15 to see that Christ actually instructs them to make judgments!) A hypocritical judgment is judging something for something of which you are also guilty - LIKE TELLING ME NOT TO JUDGE WHEN YOU ARE JUDGING ME! This passage means the opposite of what hypocrites often interpret it to mean! Jesus’ point is for hypocrites to pluck the beam of sin out of their own eye so that they can see clearly to cast the mote out of their neighbor’s eye.
Let's look at some other Scriptures...
JOHN 7:14: "Judge not according to appearance, but judge righteous judgment."
LUKE 12:57: "Yea, and why not even of yourselves judge ye not what is right?"
PSALM 37:30: "The mouth of the righteous speaketh wisdom, and his tongue talketh of judgment."
PROVERBS 31:9: "Open thy mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy."
LUKE 17:3: "Take heed... If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him."
LEVITICUS 19:15-17: "Ye shall do no unrighteousness in judgment: thou shalt not respect the person of the poor, nor honour the person of the mighty: but in righteousness shalt thou judge thy neighbor. Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people: neither shalt thou stand against the blood of thy neighbor: I am the Lord. Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart: thou shalt in any wise rebuke thy neighbor, and not suffer sin upon him."
EZEKIEL 22:2 & 23:36: "Now, thou son of man, wilt thou judge, wilt thou judge the bloody city? Yea, thou shalt show her all her abominations... The Lord said moreover unto me, Son of man, wilt thou judge Aholah and Aholibah? Yea, declare unto them their abominations."
ISAIAH 58:1: "Cry aloud, spare not, lift up thy voice like a trumpet, and shew My people their transgression, and the house of Jacob their sins."
MATTHEW 3:2,7: John the Baptist preaching, "Repent ye: for the kingdom of heaven is at hand. But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees come to his baptism, he said unto them, O generation of vipers, who hath warned you to flee from the wrath to come?"
MATTHEW 23: Jesus publicly rebuked the hypocrites, "Woe unto you... hypocrites!...ye blind guides...fools...full of extortion and excess...whited sepulchres...full of hypocrisy and iniquity...Woe unto you...Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell?"
ACTS 7:51: Deacon Stephen said to the mob that ended up stoning him, "Ye stiffnecked and uncircumcised in hearts and ears, ye do always resist the Holy Ghost: as your fathers did, so do ye." (Read the whole chapter - No fear-of-man patty cake here!)
ACTS 13:10: The Apostle Paul says to a man who hindered the Gospel, "O full of all subtilty and all mischief, thou child of the devil, thou enemy of all righteousness, wilt thou not cease to pervert the right ways of the Lord?"
ACTS 8:20-23: Here the Apostle Peter severely rebukes a baby Christian who commits one sin: "Thy money perish with thee... Thy heart is not right in the sight of God.Repent therefore of this thy wickedness, and pray God, if perhaps the thought of thine heart may be forgiven thee.For I perceive that thou art in the gall of bitter-ness, and in the bond of iniquity."
I CORINTHIANS 2:15; 6:2-3: "He that is spiritual judgeth all things... Do ye not know that the saints shall judge the world? and if the world be judged by you, are ye unworthy to judge the smallest matters? Know ye not that we shall judge angels? How much more things that pertain to this life?"
JOHN 3:18-19: "He that believeth on Him (JESUS) is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already,because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil."
JOHN 12:48: JESUS CHRIST said, "He that rejecteth Me, and receiveth not My words, hath one that judgeth him: the word that I have spoken, the same shall judge him in the last day."

SO WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE GOD! WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE TAKEN CARE OF ALL THE ISSUES IN YOUR LIFE... CALL ME UP, SEND ME AN EMAIL..
AND WE WILL TALK ABOUT THIS AGAIN!

UNTIL THEN... ALL YOU ZEALOTS OUT THERE, KEEP YOUR IGNORANCE TO YOURSELF!!
AND WORK ON CLEANING YOUR OWN DOORSTEP, LEST IT BE YOUR TURN FOR GOD TO UNLEASH HIS WRATH ON YOU.. OR ALL YOUR NUMBER!!!

TILL THEN...
PEACE TO ALL
AL

Tin Man...

2008-01-17T22:50:00.000-08:00

SO IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINE I'VE WRITTEN... LIFE GETS SO FULL
ITS 2008.. WOW WHERE DOES TIME GO? AND I TURNED 37. I HAD THE MOST AMAZING BIRTHDAY I CAN EVER REMEMBER... THANKS TO MR AMAZING!
YES YOU SEE I GET TO SHARE MY LIFE EVERY DAY WITH MR AMAZING! HE IS MY SOULMATE!
IF YOU HAVE NOT MET HIM YOU ARE MISSING OUT. HE MAKES ME SMILE AND IS MY BEST FRIEND! THIS YEAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY HE SPENT THE ENTIRE DAY MAKING IT "ALL ABOUT ME". AS IF IT ISN'T ALREADY... I MEAN, HE DOES THAT OFTEN! TOOK ME TO SEE PS:I LOVE YOU.. GERARD BUTLER... WOW.. IT WAS THE BEST ROMANTIC COMEDY I HAVE SEEN IN YEARS... AND THE YOU CRITICS SAID "PS YOU'RE NOT GONNA LOVE IT" GAVE IT A B-.. WHAT ARE YOU ON CRACK? UNREAL... YOU CRITICS MUCT HAVE LOST ALL SENSE OF EMOTION AND ADVENTURE. WHAT IF IT DOESN'T HAVE SPECIAL EFFECTS OR SOMEONE DOESN' T DIE OR TURN INTO SOME SPACE AGE- ANIMAE CREATURE IT IS NO GOOD... W H A T E V E R!!!!

I GOT THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WATCH FOR MY BIRTHDAY THAT I HAVE EVER OWNED... IT IS PERPETUAL MOTION... KINDA LIKE MY MOUTH ON AND A.D.D. DAY... lol SO IT NEVER NEEDS A BATTERY. ITS CHUNKY AND SILVER... I BELEIVE IT WAS REFERED TO AS MY "BUTCH" WATCH.
REGARDLESS.. I TOTALLY LOVE IT!!! AMAZING HOW TIME SLIPS BY... MY KIDS ARE NOW 15 AND 17... UH HUH, WITH THE 17 YR OLD THINKIN SHE'S 21. YEA THAT'S A WHOLE OTHER BLOG.

SO... I HAVE BEEN OFF WORK SINCE DEC 18TH OR SO... I HAVE TO GO FOR BACK SURGERY. NOT JUST A MINOR ONE... TWO DISCS REPLACED... AT FIRST I WAS LIKE NO WAY! BUT AFTER GOING THROUGH TREATMENTS OF ALL TYPES I HAVE CONTINUOUSLY GOTTEN WORSE...
LEG AND HIP PAIN... NUMBNESS...
SO IN 6 HOURS FROM NOW I GET TITANIUM A TAILBONE... lol OK WELL NOT LITERALLY.. BU MIGHT AS WELL BE... 2 PLASTIC DISCS, FUSING AND SCREWS WITH LITTLE RODS... SO AS FAR AS THE RESEARCH SHOWS IT WILL FIX THE PROBLEM. I AM HAVING FAITH IT WILL...
TODAY I GOT MY CORSET.. THIS WONDERFUL WEIGHT LOSS DEVICE MADE FOR SQUEEZIN YOU UP TIGHT SO U CAN ONLY SIP UR DRINK AND EAT A BITE OR TWO AT A TIME... IN 90 DAYS I SHOULD BE SLIM.. TRIM.. AND TITANIUM!!!!

The Unknown

2007-06-04T21:11:00.000-07:00

Today I received unsettling news...
I am probably facing back surgery. Not that I have not known it was possible, or might come to that, but it beomes more real when you hear the Dr say, "There is nothing else left to do".
My mind became a whirlwind as I rode the elevator down from his office.
"this doesn't fit in my plans" I thought... "something else to add to my being down on myself"
"what a pain in so many ways, to be off work, to deal with this"
"maybe it's kharma kickin my ass for not being more focused on building my own business".

One could beat the dead horse for a lifetime. Coulda,Shoulda, Woulda! But where would that lead? Around the circle and back again. After all, I reminded myself, it's not the end of the world. But we all have things in our heads that we wanna do... surgery is not usually on that list.
You know... summer, just moved, painting to do, pool parties, outings with my kids, wanting to get back to the gym. And of ourse the horror stories told by so many of bad back surgeries.

It all boils down to a saying my grandmother used to say, "don't go borrowin trouble, just live today!" So I am trying to live my life by that rule, but it's easier said than done. We seem as humans, to always worry about what we cannot control. But with age, I am learning that if I focus more on what I can control, I really won't have time for all the other stuff.

So now we will see what happens. I am a bit scared, but I am eternally grateful that I do not face these things alone. I am blessed with a soulmate who listens to me.. communicates about whatever comes our way. Loving him brings me great peace! I trust that whatever you are going through out there... you have a North Star to keep you on track.

Peace to you all...
AL

I wonder...

2007-05-02T16:21:00.000-07:00

Is it lies you tell me
or is it truth
I have to wonder
what lives under your roof
Are you a friend?
or just another flake
Are the words I hear real
or is it all Fake?

Happiness...

2007-02-09T17:05:00.000-08:00

Happiness...
Happiness is a journey, not a destination...
For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life, but there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were "my life". This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is "the way" so treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one!
Souza
This was passed to me by a good friend today! What an amazing concept! I felt I needed to share it!
Peace to you all...
AL

Living a lie...

2007-02-09T16:46:00.001-08:00

Living a lie...
Today I am more amazed... not in a good way, a sad way. How people can go through their life living a complete lie. And feel ok about it... Or at least gives off a facade that they feel ok about it.
How they pass from one setting to the next and move from loving one person to another so easily. Yes I know what it's like to be in love with someone. I actually know more about that today than ever! Maybe that is what give me the strength to be myself! But to be a liar, to be a user, to deface the integrity of another for your own good, and still be able to even sleep is beyond me. And to go from loving someone, or pretending to love someone, to doing everything in their power to destroy that person and their happiness is nothing less than evil. It proves that people can give in to darkness and become controled by the dark side.
I do not make it a habit of putting myself in the company of people who carry a dark soul. I have been attacked by them too often in my life. You see... many who carry a dark soul in this world do not even know it themselves. They are so ridden with deceit that they themselves are deceived. Sad huh? Scary is more like it... They walk through life... destroying people in their attempt to be happy. Leaving in their wake, hurt feelings, emotions unraveled and supposed friends holding tattered memories of what was a fraud that left them feelin used and stripped of dignity.
All I know to say is watch out for these... follow your heart... follow your gut... do not bypass the red flags... learn from your lessons! Life is too short to waste it on people who only want to use you! Choose wisely when choosing your friends!Beware of those "LIVING A LIE"

Two faced people...

2007-02-08T20:41:00.000-08:00

Two faced people!!! Current mood: angry
I am so angry! I want so much to believe in people! I give them the benefit of the doubt. I work at being people's friends, go out of my way to help others!
The repayment... I get referred to as "less than" or inappropriate! As "improper company"... I have had it with people! This is America... Home of the FREE!
I am Bisexual and proud of it! Got a problem with it.. too damn bad!!! I am also a parent, a brother, a son, a partner, a designer, a teacher, a volunteer, and a believer in the truth! I say what I mean... I call a spade A SPADE. But I will not be ashamed of who I am. Nor will I stand by while my friends are ridiculed for being my friends! Be they straight, bi, gay , married or decieved!!
Which is what makes me the most angry.. deceitful people should rott in hell! Yes.. you heard me say it! And I mean it with all the conviction I can muster. Right now if I were speaking this in person, I fear I'd be yelling it!!!
I am so sick of being played by people, and sorry to say girls, but mostly in my life, it has been women! Always using people for their own good. Basically I am sick of people using the experiences of other peoples lives for the benefit of their wants! Selfish! Filthy attitiude! Unacceptable. Lies...
An attack on the personal charactor of another is reason for stand up and fight. I will not be a door mat for underhanded tactics. And I will NOT go down to make room for a LIAR to win...
"trusting first, and always getting burned" Funny how those words come from the same people who will do ANYTHING, yes you heard it.. A N Y T H I N G to win...
I am mad! I am sad! No more being Mr. Nice guy anymore... Be honest or get out of my life!!!

What do we make of it?

2007-01-31T21:45:00.000-08:00

I so often hear how someone is not so excited with their life... How things are not as they would like them to be... And I always wonder, Why is that? I have to believe that it is based in choices. Our expectations cause us disappointment.
I learned long ago to not expect anything from anyone. For when I do, I am sorely disappointed. Friends, or so-called friends are usually the worst. They mean well... but then get so caught up in their own world they soon forget those around them, and honestly I am sure we all do that at times.
I truly beleive life is what you make of it! So many say... I went thee and it was not fun... or I did this or that and really was not impressed. Well.. did u go with the expectation to be wowed? Maybe that was half the problem. Did you depend on that one person to be your "best friend" and then find they drift away in their own fog of life.
I hope that I have not been a disappointment to anyone, but I am sure that I have. I guess I could say that I am sorry, but that might not be 100% true. For I am just a man, just human, so I make mistakes. And actually, I have come to be ok with that. Also I have learned that I am ok with the fact that not everyone likes me. Pity... For in their judgements they lose the opportunity to know the real me, the real friend they could have... So I will go on doing what I am learning to do best.
Just be the best "ME" I can be...

Older...

2007-01-19T21:40:00.000-08:00

What is this life all about?
Are we here to learn? to come back in the next life and do better... To overcome... to grow... experience... but what? Pain! Suffering! to be reminded of what we did not get right the first time, or maybe even the second... the Grade we never made... the marriage that failed. Or did it? Was it a lesson? was it a path we chose? or that was forced upon us by circumstance? by the actions of others...
These feelings I am left to deal with... who brought them? Burdens I carry, for what? my choices I have made... the troubles that come my way. Are they truly stepping stones for me to grow as I slip, slide, scratch and claw my way across them? or are they just the fallout of what has been put in my path? so many questions... my head hurts.. swirls with emotion! I feel so loaded down at times.
Sometimes I see blue sky and I feel I have stepped up to a higher dimension, then the very next turn takes me through thorns, through rain, dark clouds of depression. Days seem like night, like I struggle to pull myself from the bed and walk to the mirror. Only to see the face of an old man there... he stares at me in some shock.. where did my youth go? What do I have to show for all the hard work I have done? who cares? If I scream, if I cry, if I lay awake at night who will hear? The whole world has their own issues.. everyone is so absorbed in their own journey. Their own pain, or the escape of it!
Bullshit! Why? life is pain!Pain is Life! If there was no pain would we ever know we existed? joy? love? would those sustain us? I don't think any one of them is effective without the other. Emotions are part of who we are. They are our being.. window to our soul! the proof we have feeling.. that our soul has connection to this world... otherwise how would we every touch the spirit world? People don't believe in past lives.. or an after life... GET REAL! There has to be more than this... something in me came from something more complex than this simple life I live! Something in me is deeper than the pain inflicted on this body I live in today. My spirit screams from down deep to be heard. like it's rattling the doors of my soul, say "what are you doing?" wake up! can't you see the lessons you are missing...
I watch those around me...we work, we sleep, we eat... we squabble like children... over petish feelings... what else do we do? sit in front of a TV and watch some stupid "reality" TV show.. don't even get me started!!! who's Reality? or sit for hours on end in front of my damn computer.. looking at the web... pictures... people I don't know... will never know. Chatting, yes to great people. God knows I met my Soulmate on the net. But I have also burned myself out talkin to losers... giving advice. If I had a penny for every word I've typed i'd be rich!! ... listening to BS... "poor me.. alone.. cannot meet anyone... dunno who I am.. am I bi, am I gay".. am I fucking blind?!?!? What are you doing about it? I t don't get better by making love to the PC!! any therapy? any self motivation? any gettin out? yes.. oh God.. yes.. away from the damn computer and meeting someone in person? yes.. people still do that... u know SOCIALIZE!
We sit in chat rooms listenin to things that I think can be inspirational... to a point...yet can clog us.. make us stagnant. oh yes... Please.. Add me! My space.. Hi5...Yahoo...who'swhoonthenet???? I realised I add people that I never chat to... for what? they look pretty? how does that help me? fill up my list where no one else fits.. for what? So I look at beautiful pictures of people who are not even really them on their profiles... and them look at myself in the mirror in distain.. Something it definately wrong with this picture!! Do we are have a damn addiction? YES...I mean it.. are we addicted to the damn NET! We joke about crack ho's and such... hmmm... wonder... if there really is much difference psychologically? I think not!
Maybe the word is weary, maybe tired.. maybe disgusted... I just know I am lookin at myself this year and wondering what I am doing. Nineteen days of this year are gone... and what the hell have I accomplished? a few things yes... but are we on a path.. or are we wandering in a fog? Why must we feel like life is sluggish? I am making a promise to myself to allow for time to be me! the best ME I can be... for in doing this.. I will feel the most accomplished. I will feel the most aventuresome, I will be more motivated. I will be the best Father, lover, partner, soulmate and friend that I can be....
I will be doing what fulfills me! I beleive in me! I believe in you! whoever you are.. when you read this! You can know that one man believes in the dreams you have! no matter how ridiculous others think they are... no matter if you think they are silly.. I BELIEVE IN YOU AND ME!!! I believe in miracles! I know that whatever we face.. whatever life serves up, we can be whatever we want to be and happy doing it!
Hugz,AL

16 years...

2007-01-03T22:44:00.000-08:00

On this day 16 years ago... the most beautiful girl in the world was born...
It was a cold day, the clouds were building. It was 6 days shy of my 20th birthday and I was scared to death. I was becoming a father! A parent... that was a life changing experience. I had gone through all the classes to be ringside for the delivery. Hours into the labor, a little heartbeat got lost. So I was forced to sign a paper that said one or both of them might not make it, they were doing a C-section.
Moments seemed like hours in that drab waiting room, there in that country town hospital. I must have counted the bricks on the wall a million times, wore a path pacing on the musty carpet and said so many prayers I forgot if they made any sense. My stomach churned and my head reeled, I felt cheated by not being able to be in there as I had planned.
Then the nurse came to get me... a baby girl! Dark hair and eyes and a rosy red cheeks. Wow what a relief, they were both ok! The first time I held her, those tiny fingers gripped my fingertip. I was in awe! I didn't sleep much that night, sitting by her mother's bed. going to the window of the nursery to peer inside and see my precious baby girl's pink stocking-ed head nuzzled in that weird plastic bed.
I have watched that baby girl grow to be a beautiful young woman! One who makes me so proud to be her dad! The dark eyes turned bright blue/hazel the hair long and blonde. A smile that would dazzle the dreariest day! She's a sister, a musician. a mathmatician, a lady, a comic, she is my Katie!
I love you my beautiful daughter!
Happy sweet 16!
Love, DAD

Trust

2007-01-02T21:42:00.000-08:00

TRUST Current mood: settled
Trust is a wonderful thing... it is earned, not demanded. Given to those whom we want to give it to. We are never really forced to trust.... yet at times we trust and then we feel slighted or judged. Based on the fact that a persons behavior does not match our expectations. Maybe we feel used or lied to... when really all it amounts to is that we have broadcasted our feelings and actions for the world to see. Then when everyone that we share those thoughts with is not in agreement, suddenly it doesn't feel like we meant it to. And maybe what we percieve to be occuring is not really what is occuring at all!
See when we forget to seperate our personal feelings from fact... we get the picture all fogged up. So what is really going on in the world around us is not at all what we are seeing from our muddled windows. Some how we lose the clear sight!
You see, I am about treating all people the same. I was taught, treat others as you want to be treated. I am an honest man, so I am going to show compassion to everyone. whether the beggar on the street, or the lost child, or the hurting friend. I do not tell lies about anyone! So don't tell me about your pain, your problems and not expect response. I may not say what you want to hear, but I will listen and I will respond. I am an adult, with many years experience! Abuse survivor, suicide survivor, marriage, divorce. living abroad, religious upbringing, And I am well today! Alive! healthy! and Whole! Not afraid or ashamed to talk about it! It is not high school.. it's real life. This is not a dress rehearsal!!! These are not uniforms and horns... it's not a stage... these are our children! Our lives! Our familes! Our friends!
You see, what I don't get is how we all want friendship. We all want advice. We all want a shoulder to lean on. But we want it on OUR terms... "Oh how dare anyone talk about my life" Well that's juvenile! selfish! Either put it out there and be an adult when people repsond or SHUT UP! and go it alone! It's like taking out a TV ad or a billboard and then being upset anyone noticed. Get a grip people!
I am so sick of people playing victim. "It never pays to be nice" BULLSHIT! The only time it didn't pay to be nice was if the "being nice" was a freakin facade in the first place. Or was it, "play by my rules and it will all be fun like playing house"? Why can't everyone get along and be REAL FRIENDS! Grow up!
I am a real person, with a real life... am I perfect? HELL NO! In the eyes of others, do I do everything correctly? I'm sure they'd say no... I want to grow, to learn every day! I don't want to relive mistakes. In fact I want to be an open book, so that my friends see my mistakes and can learn from them too. We are all human! We all make mistakes. We all should learn to get along in this world and it would be a much happier place to live, to work, for our kids to grow up in!
I am glad I learned long ago about clicks. I never was part of a fraternity. I do not align myself with any particular political group. I do not belong to any particular organized religious sect. I am just me... sharing my thoughts with whoever reads them. Trying to be friends to all I come in contact with. I am here to chat or listen anytime... and if I come back with something you don't want to hear, or do something you don't approve of well... I'm not sorry! I'm just me! So get over it!
Peace to you all in 2007

"“The only difference between a saint and a sinner is every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.” -Oscar Wilde"

2006-12-27T16:49:00.000-08:00

"“The only difference between a saint and a sinner is every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.” -Oscar Wilde"
Ever wonder why we are all afraid of the truth? Why we cannot face reality. Is it too harsh? Or are we just chicken? What perspective do we have?
Maybe we were taught to display a facade. This is acceptable, this is not... Labeling things as good or bad. Whatever the case, I am over it!
I am a compassionate person. I treat people as I want to be treated. I strive to be Drama-free. Whether at work, with friends or family. Now, family is the toughest. everyone is always pushing their agenda.
I want to foster a belief in self! Loving self, and being truthful to self first. For then I am able to give the best to my partner, my friends and coworkers. If I belive in me, then others will believe in me too. And trust in my companionship.
I am an open book. I have not always been. But I strive to be, so that others may see my mistakes and learn, and not have to make the same mistakes I've made. Timing is important as well. We all get so wrapped up in life. Who has time? We only have time for what we make time for!
Life is precious, so use it wisely. Adventure, Love, share and grow! Spend time with the ones who mean the most to you and enjoy the things you love to do...
Do I fit a label? God I hope not! So sinner... yes I am sure I am some days... Saint... Not today, tomorrow or ever if I can help it!
I hope tomorrow I have more perspective on life than I do today!
Peace...
AL

Life Lessons 101

2006-12-17T12:02:00.000-08:00

Thursday I hurt my back at work... so I have not been moving too fast , has given me the past two days to think... I'm Tired! Not like physically...
It's more a drained feeling, a feeling that people bring... Or maybe that we do to ourselves. I try to always be the listener, try to be the friend, to be the objective one, the neutral one. I am learning as I get older it can be tougher than I thought. So I have tried to be more of a "call it as I see it" kinda guy. This seems to work best for me, as people know where they stand and I am not left holding feelings that I dislike. But I also am learning there is no loyalty in the world anymore. Almost no one commits to friendships or relationships anymore. Instead it is a dog eat dog world where whatever gets "my way" or "what I want" the easiest, always wins. Rationale is thrown to the wind.
I always love making new friends, online, at work, goin out, wherever we can. But I guess I am learning as I age that quality is better than quantity. I want friends I can hang with, be 100% honest with... tell the truth to, even if it hurts at the moment. I consider myself one of the REAL people in the world, and I am making a vow to stop having converstaions about anything that is not real. The "what if's" and the "I heard" crap is over! If you are going to tell me about your life, expect to hear what I think in return, based on my life's experience. If you don't wanna hear, don't talk to me! With friendship comes trust, if you cannot trust me, then don't. I don't ever want to "let anyone down". I am not that kind of person!
I am just AL... Been through hell... Abuse as a kid, pain that left scars, loved and lost, married and divorced, lived in other countries, seen other cultures, put my heart and soul into the the things I love whether work, relationship or friendships. I have watched the dearest person in my life die in front of me, held the hand of dying persons because their families were such cowards they could not face being with the child, brother or friend that they once loved!!! So as you see, when petty things come to the table, I may not be the most sympathetic.
When life kicks you in the gut, maybe that's the time to grab it by the nuts, look it in the eye and let it know, you are bigger than any problem that comes along! The more I think on it, I realise, there are so many times I should have just given up according to society rules. But who says society knows what is best for us all? Usually that thought process is plagued with idealism and political hoohah! I am more about seeing life as it really is, talking about how we really feel and just being honest...
Having said all this... I am looking into 2007 with a promise to be even more to true to myself. To focus more on what makes me happy, on what I feel is good for me and my relationship with the incredible and amazing man that I share life with! Thanks much to him, I believe in myself much more today than ever before!!!
Peace be to you all!
AL

Father Time...

2006-11-09T21:33:00.000-08:00

A summer has come and gone... my how time flies when you are havin fun! As I look back over the past few months, I am amazed how it has flown by.
We have been on a wonderful adventure. One that continues, and that makes me happy from the heart! Yes, I am sure I am a bit chunkier that I was... I am certain there is more gray in my beard. I am starting to have those things people call laugh lines.. or crows feet. That does not make me happy. But what's a guy to do...

My kids moved 2000 plus miles away this summer. Kinda bittersweet event. I know their life is improving, but it sux it had to be so far away. My daughter turns 16 in less than 2 months. My son has a deep voice and is a tall 14 yr old. Today I saw a baby toddling away from his mother, giggles errupting from his cheeks. I thought to myself... Where did all those years go?
We rush so much.. have so many things to do... Add it to the calendar, a reminder in the palm pilot. Schedule time to see family or friends, for if it is not "booked" then we end up "booked".
I love adventure, but I realise today that each day takes more to accomplish than the last. My body tells me it has wears and tears. Stress invades and rest eludes us. Holidays coming.. one must plan around everyone's schedule. So wanting to do special things for my children, but not really being able to afford it. The mind gets wrestled to and fro over what is the happy medium.

My baby brother, my only sibling turned 30 this past week. We had a great time celebrating with him! I see the gray in his hair and I am reminded, I'm six years his senior. So blessed was the time when my partner and I got time alone, to wonder the streets of the victorian village we were visiting. A slower pace, fall leaves dusting the ground, it was peaceful. I watched as my partner took pictures of the sunlight streaming through bright fall leaves and felt warm inside. Another season passing.. a new one arriving. The seasons of our lives, I am so thrilled and amazed to be sharing these experiences with a man who is a spiritually in tune with life as I! So in awe of the love in my heart for him!

I struggle at times, not sure sometimes why. Seems I try so hard to emulate the person I once was, when I really don't even want to. I feel so many times that I fail miserably at being who I am. Yet when I stop to evalute, I am certain that I am the best version of myself I have ever been. So maybe it's the fine tuning... maybe we sometimes are focused intensely and other times we move through a fog. I believe old habits haunt us, former fears try to re-root. But I am proud to say that with proper communication and the patience shown to me by my soulmate, I move past those fears and move on. Growing as we emerge from the haze.

It saddens my heart, the effects of life I see on those around me. People lost in a daze, losing love, finding themselves in positions of life they never thought they'd face. And I admit Anger sometimes as you hear them admit to playing roulet with destiny/fate! So wanting to lash out at them, to stop hurting themselves and those around them, and at the same time wanting to hold them close as our tears mix soothing the pains of what cannot be changed. Maybe I care too much! Maybe I should say f**k it! But I cannot, my passions will not let me! I beleive life is what we make of it! We all make mistakes and we grow and learn! Or hope to! I want to embrace every day I am given and live it to the fullest! Thank God I have a person in my life who believes in that! Believes in ME!

Work sometimes is stressful. Mine is more on my body... I love what I do! A shame is does not pay better. Buildin my own business seems to move at a snails pace. But I know it can be done! Life has it's ups and downs... I am grateful for the feelings attached to all of them. For in these moments, are when we know we are alive! In our heaven or in our hell... time marches on!

Peace be unto you all!
AL

Projection

2006-05-05T00:52:00.000-07:00

So do you ever wonder... Do people see me at all like I see myself? Do I give off energy that is relative to what I feel inside? Do I see in others the things I struggle the hardest with myself?
Do I project? My past into today? Do I project my emotions into a situation that they are not related to? Or onto someone else? Do my fears of looking in my own mirror make me constantly look at others instead of myself?

I am discovering things about myself I have never known. May subconciously I knew them, but never really acknowledged them. Lets face it... I do not know one person who takes criticism well. Whether it be about our work.. or who we are personally. I do not like that about myself.
I want to be honest with people about how I feel. And I want to know if I am doing something that hurts someone. Or that is disrespectful. I never want to try and make others feel i have the answers for them, or judge thier feelings. We all feel what we feel! Did u get that? WE ALL FEEL WHAT WE FEEL! We do not have control of that... but we do control our actions toward others. Maybe we all never learned really good solid manners.
Like:

Don't interupt someone speaking.
or
Never speak out immediately to the person we love when frustrated.

Listen! NO! I mean L I S T E N!!!! Not hear...

There is an art to it... listening with our heart, not our heads.
The head (mind) can be so stubborn. So easily sidetracked.
We can create an agenda without ever meaning to, or sometimes without even knowing it!
Would this be Drama? We like to think we are Drama free.. but are we? OR are we so caught up in our own feelings, in what we percieve as best for us that we create a mountain out of a molehill. Where is the line? Do we cross it too often? When do we remove ourselves from anothers drama? If we are in love with someone, commited to them, are we also commited to their personal issues. I tend to think we are. We either take a person at thier whole value or entire state... or we get part of them.

I want to be whole! I feel like today I am a more pure version of myself than ever! Am I opinionated? God yes... is it ok for me to be? well... yes... but... Is it really good for me to speak my mind always? I dunno... maybe I need to examine my thoughts and my intentions before I spill them all over the place and end up hurting someone. Comparing one person to another... can we? We do.. but not sure that makes it the best observation. None of us are alike. We may have tendancies that are simular. But we are individual in every way. I know how much I hate someone saying I look or act like my dad. GAWD!!! shoot me and save the ones I love that misery! I have learned the person I do NOT want to be... can easily be who I become. I once remember at age 20 trying so hard to not be like someone... that in my own inner drama,that I created... I was becoming the person I detested most! I realized I had to let go... in order for me to not become a stagnant pool of hurt, pain and anger, I decided I must let go... and each and every day I have to learn more about that. Or let it go again...

Sadly the more I think on it, I feel that in real honesty, the things about people that irk me the most are probably what I percieve in myself. OH GAWD theres that mirror! But more importantly for me in the world of other humans...who must share my world...
What do I want to portray?

I personally want to be a person that when I am dead and gone... that people talk amoungst themselves and say... "Knowing this man made me see what truth and honesty can do for me! Knowing the compassion, forgiveness and love shown by this man made we want to be a better man."
I doubt I will ever be wealthy, I doubt I will ever be without enemies, but my prayer each day is to be patient, kind, longsuffering and most importantly loving. If I am able to achieve that.. I will be the richest man on earth! Not in goods... not in possessions... but in peace of mind!

I commited long ago to try doing my very best at everything I do.
I will give compassion to those who sow wrath...
I will give forgiveness even if it is not deserved...
I will speak truth even when it hurts...
And I will love with all my might!

For if I can do these things, I will be the purest version of me that I can be.

I hope if you read this that you don't think it strange... me sharing my personal growth with you here on this blog.

Peace be to you all...
and much love!
AL

Soul Food

2006-03-20T18:05:00.000-08:00

THIS IS ONE OF THOSE AMAZING READS THAT CAME FROM A DEAR FRIEND OF MINE. I FELT LED TO SHARE BECAUSE IT SPEAKS FROM THE SOUL... TO THE SOUL....
Once upon a time there was a rich King who had four wives.He loved the 4th wife the most and adorned her with rich robes andtreated her to the finest of delicacies. He gave her nothing but thebest.He also loved the 3rd wife very much and was always showing her off toneighboring kingdoms. However, he feared that one day she would leavehim for another.He also loved his 2nd wife. She was his confidant and was always kind,considerate and patient with him. Whenever the King faced a problem,hecould confide in her, and she would help him get through the difficulttimes.The King's 1st wife was a very loyal partner and had made greatcontributions in maintaining his wealth and kingdom. However, he didnotlove the first wife. Although she loved him deeply, he hardly tooknotice of her!One day, the King fell ill and he knew his time was short. He thoughtofhis luxurious life and wondered, I now have four wives with me, butwhenI die, I'll be all alone."Thus, he asked the 4th wife, "I loved you the most, endowed you withthefinest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying,will you follow me and keep me company?""No way!", replied the 4th wife, and she walked away without anotherword.Her answer cut like a sharp knife right into his heart.The sad King then asked the 3rd wife, "I loved you all my life. NowthatI'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?""No!", replied the 3rd wife. "Life is too good! When you die, I'mgoingto remarry!" His heart sank and turned cold.He then asked the 2nd wife, "I have always turned to you for help andyou've always been there for me. When I die, will you follow me andkeepme company?""I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!", replied the 2nd wife."Atthe very most, I can only walk with you to your grave." Her answerstruck him like a bolt of lightning, and the King was devastated.Then a voice called out: "I'll go with you. I'll follow you no matterwhere you go." The King looked up, and there was his first wife. Shewasvery skinny as she suffered from malnutrition and neglect. Greatlygrieved, the King said, "I should have taken much better care of youwhen I had the chance!"In truth, we all have the 4 wives in our lives:Our 4th wife is our body. No matter how much time and effort we lavishin making it look good, it will leave us when we die.Our 3rd wife is our possessions, status and wealth. When we die, itwillall go to others.Our 2nd wife is our family and friends. No matter how much they havebeen there for us, the furthest they can stay by us is up to thegrave.And our 1st wife is our Soul. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth,power and pleasures of the world. However, our Soul is the only thingthat will follow us wherever we go.Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part ofusthat will continue with usthroughoutEternity.

Coretta Scott King TESTAMENT OF LOVE

2006-02-07T10:12:00.000-08:00

Coretta Scott King, 1927-2006 A woman of dignity and quiet strength
For black women, Coretta Scott King was like Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy. Following the assassination of her husband, during days of very public mourning, Mrs. King was a portrait of dignity and quiet strength. At a time when every black American was judged by the behavior of a very few, Mrs. King's grace under pressure made black Americans very proud.

So did her efforts to promote the legacy of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., the mission to which she dedicated the rest of her life. Mrs. King raised millions to build the facility on Auburn Avenue in Atlanta. She called it the Martin Luther King Jr. Center for Non-Violent Social Change.
Mrs. King's greatest triumph was the holiday. She campaigned for it tirelessly, along with celebrities such as Stevie Wonder and Rep. John Conyers, D-Mich., who introduced the bill for a holiday commemorating King a mere four days after his assassination. Fifteen years later, with Coretta Scott King standing next to him, President Reagan signed the law designating the third Monday of every January, near King's Jan. 15 birthday, a federal holiday. By 2000, it was also a state holiday in all 50 states.

Let her legacy be a reminder of the power of Love!!

1: If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
2: And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
3: If I give away all I have, and if I deliver my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
4: Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful;
5: it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
6: it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.
7: Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8: Love never ends; as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.
9: For our knowledge is imperfect and our prophecy is imperfect;
10: but when the perfect comes, the imperfect will pass away.
11: When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish ways.
12: For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall understand fully, even as I have been fully understood.
13: So faith, hope, love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is Love.
I Corinthians 13:1-13

Lets try Love for a change!
Pup

Mirror, Mirror

2006-02-06T11:40:00.000-08:00

Each day I marvel at the wonderments of life. Maybe I spend too much time thinking, or maybe I am just a dreamer. But at any rate I feel some of it has validity.

All through our lives we go through stages. So go quickly, others take time. Sometimes I think we get stuck on the plateaus. Maybe due to career, maybe relationships, maybe because of things we deal with from the past. People drift in and out of our lives. Some with more purpose than others, but I am prone to believe all with some cause. It is through these stages that we hopefully learn of ourselves. See the depths and conquer what we fear most, indulge in the dreams, and take the risks that make us grow.

As a person who is “people oriented” I have always cared for others feelings. Maybe too much! So at times this may have slowed my stages of growth. But whether it be my Capricorn personality, my upbringing or a combination of all of those, I care. As time has progressed I have become less caught up in the “what people think of me” and more about just being there for my friends. I think some people are placed in our lives to give us perspective on our own. To help us see where we have been, what may have been a stumbling block for us or where we were stuck.

I have always tried to be an open book for others to see. Giving a view of an evolution that is occurring in our life each day. Will your page turn today? Or will you be on the same page day after day? I feel if someone might learn from my life lessons, it saves them “getting stuck” on that same plateau. See when we are stuck, our growth is stunted. We get comfy, almost lazy in our communication and our view is limited. This is where I once developed the thought “people don’t change”, but now I see that is not true. That perspective came from me being caught in a merry-go-round of life where I was not in control of my own self. I did not “own” my own power. So even though my career grew in that time, other areas suffered. Today I strive to be the “mirror holder”. For if I hold the mirror for those I love to see themselves, to give perspective, someone will hold my mirror for me! And is it so easy when you share love, share life with someone who is capable of doing the same.

You see, when we love someone it takes things from us. Commitment, patience, a willingness to communicate… But, the more important thought is… when love is honest, when love is pure, you cannot out-give the other party! It’s not a contest, it just happens. Like breathing in and breathing out. I am so inspired by the man I love! So fulfilled in sharing life! I said to him this weekend "I am so blessed to have been given time to share in the Love… the life, of another who shares with me the insight of my soul!"

Perspective is a great thing. And I once heard it said that we were meant to see things in hindsight. But, I am not sure I completely agree. Perspective should enlighten us spiritually, emotionally and thus effect us physically and psychologically. If we are able to gain perspective as we pass through a stage, then maybe some of the mistakes would not be as severe. Maybe we wouldn’t have to start over so many times.

I trust you are able to allow the page to turn today!
Hold the mirror for someone and in turn have it held for you!
The Pup

Pineapple upsidedown memories...

2006-02-05T23:27:00.000-08:00

Birthdays… the date we were born… the time when the world was changed by our presence being made physical. Could there be so much more… I believe so... I think many of us carry souls that have been here before. This warps the minds of some and makes others of you look at me as if you think I smoke bad drugs. The latter not being true… I find there are so many things that relate from one life to the next. Like… why are some of us afraid of heights.. since early childhood? And others could play on the roof at two. Why do some have a severe phobia but cannot explain why. “Why is it I love pineapple upside down cake?” Ever thought it “could” be related to something from a past life, something our soul carries with us into this dimension from the other side?

Ever had that feeling you knew something was about to happen, and then it did? Premonition? Ever dream of a place where u can see the vivid colors, smell the smells and even taste… maybe dream of the place over and over… but you’ve never been there in this lifetime. Ever met a person you could immediately talk to, felt you know them or had met them, yet knew you never had? Ever felt your soul was drawn to a peaceful place where it found comfort in the similarities of another soul.. and wonder what brought about that meeting? Timing? Place? Fate?

This weekend was my partner’s birthday. We had a wonderful time making memories! Dinner with family on Friday night, Louisiana style… Pineapple upside down cake with candles, then out to a friends birthday event that evening. Saturday brunch shared with family and had gifts. Significant items purchased for the person we love… wrapped in funky papers for ripping open. Then out Saturday night for some bar-hoppin, boot-skootin, fun with friends. Sunday recovery… a relaxing day and then Super Bowl. A time to gather friends, eat junk food and watch people injure themselves while tossin a pigskin ball back-n-forth. Football... Funny the traditions we hold dear huh? We think nothing strange of these… but never give much thought to why we prefer shrimp over sausage or lemon over lime…

Anyway… Just a thought. Meant to stir your “thinker”.
May all your days be blessed especially your birthday!!!
PUP

Bigger than fear

2006-02-01T23:32:00.000-08:00

I started writing a poem several days ago, inspired by a deep conversation with my partner. I finally felt I had put into it what I wanted to say so here goes…

Love…
Is Bigger than the fear

Darkness loses its grip
Love is bigger than the pain

Shadowed memories fade
Love is bigger than the scars

Nights become times of rest
Dreams no longer held behind bars

Love is bigger than the hurt
New trust begins to grow

Love is bigger than the stains
Lets our hearts be pure like snow

You see it is easy to forget
Because fear has such a loud roar.

We are often overcome by our past
Looming behind us like a gathering storm cloud

Love has a way of diminishing the storm.
Bringing peace to the rough places

I was taught to believe in Love
And though it has at times brought me pain

It has been my greatest friend and teacher
The fiber of my life’s existence

Like breath below the depths
Bring hope to murky darkness

Love tunes us to our spirit
And connects us with our spirit life force

Of late I have thought so much of how I was raised. A good raising, with all I needed as far as food, shelter and basic needs. I have thought of the struggle to accept myself… deal with the hatred I had for the people in my life that hurt me so. As time passes we age, we mature, evolve. I see so many things change… and we as a society move so aimlessly through the path of life, stumbling, not going where we want…
As I grow as a person, and slowly unload the unnecessary burdens of life, I discover a new part of me hidden beneath each time. Where I feel stronger, more self-secured and more like the man I want to be. We all struggle with wanting to fit in, but the days are fewer for me where I hurriedly run through life to make sure I am being “all” for “everyone”. Empty and meaningless relationships take up less of my time. Things that were so important, like planning a party for a 100, or reading the newspaper to catch the latest travesty, give way to me reading a book I have longed to read, painting, drawing, or writing. Or a quiet evening with the man I love!

I guess what I am realizing in my life is what it feels like to live “Fulfilled”! Its like waking up in another persons world. Depression has less command, maybe someday none at all, Family no longer makes my blood pressure rise or have the ability to guilt me into doing things that are actually their own responsibility. Being a designer no longer means I must live in a show home in order to uphold my position in society. Realizing I’ll never look like an underwear model, is really OK! Even aging is not so scary. Especially when you have your soulmate to love!

Today I dream of things that are wonderful, and I KNOW they will come to pass. Fear no longer holds a death grip on my life, mocking me with “when will you wake up?” “it’s too good to be true!” Its refreshing to have a fleeting thought of “oh my God, what about…” and the next thought is “ yea, so what!”

A few nights ago I dreamed of being in my home town. Friends were there, like I was living my teen years again but was the age and with the knowledge I have today. I was feeling the pressures of the peers. And one girl in particular, who no longer speaks to me since I came out, was in the dream. Demanding so many things of me. Family was expecting me to be the “good Christian straight boy” and I was feeling overwhelmed.
But it was nice when I woke, because it gave me perspective, that I am finally at a place in my life to be putting away those things. I am finally freeing myself to be me. It’s like giving self permission to breath. A whole new meaning to “waiting to exhale” LOL.

There is nothing more powerful than owning your own power! Not allowing it to be sapped away. Like living your whole life with a parasitic drain that empties your battery. And so much of the time this is fostered by who we are around, what we do and where we go. But I think most importantly it is mostly effected by what we see when we look in the mirror. Have you ever asked yourself, “Am I worthy of happiness?” Because the answer is YES.. a thousand times over YES, YES,YES!!! And the simplest part of all is… Happiness lives between out ears!

LIVE! LOVE! BE HAPPY!!
Pup

Rules to live by

2006-01-30T11:36:00.000-08:00

Today I recieved and email that very much fit my frame of mind. I felt I should share the contents with everyone...

21 Rules to Live By (from Anthony Robbins)

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
SIX Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

This seemed to settle into my soul as I have been going through some tough moments of late. My kids are teens now and are being brought up in the same religous background as I was. Until recently I have never had a problem with that, but now things are changing.
My 15 yr old daughter has decided it is time to challenege me on my life. Or as she's been taught to call it "my choice of lifestyle". I remember being 15 and what confused emotions brewed in my heart and head.
I have always tried my very best to be honest with my kids. Never hiding who I am from them. I have always answered their questions honestly, in hopes of fostering the mindset that it is ok to speak their minds and tell me of the things goin on in their lives. My Life has never been thrown in their faces and I have made it a priorty to always be an example for my kids. My daughter feels that I have not been a good example, due to the fact that I divorced her mother and went on with my own life. A typical feeling for a child of a divorced home.

I explained to her that my parents remained married for all my life and still are. But I used to pray for them to divorce. You see, doing what the church calls "the Godly thing" or what is expected of us by family and peers may not always be the answer. Most times I believe we are much better to search out what is best for ourselves. Not to say that following a religion may not be helpful in that search. But we tend to get caught up in that and misss the spiritual part of who we are.

My Family are all very religious people. But sadly do not know anything about spirituality.
I began searching for depth in my spirit at a very young age. And I lean on what my experiences have taught me. I trust that each of you will take the time to ask yourself, "am I leading the life I want to lead? Or am I following tradition? Going with the flow?

I challenge you to be YOU! To examine that person who hides inside wanting desperately to be free to come to the surface and experience life to its full potential!

Have a blessed day.
Pup

The veterinarian

2006-01-23T10:11:00.000-08:00

This one had to be shared... cause I very much beleive in it!!

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year- old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker and they were hoping for a miracle. I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family there were no miracles left for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for the four-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience. The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why." Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?"

The four-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long." Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God...

Love Conquers

2006-01-23T00:40:00.000-08:00

What a beautiful weekend! We finally got much needed rain.
I find it amazing how nature seems to always correct itself when things seem to be out-of-whack. Much like our lives...

I have recently been reminded of something that my grandmother taught me.
She always said "Love conquers all things, but you Must Beleive!" I have seen that come to pass in my own life as I have been able to overcome fears and grow past insecurities.

I was inspired to share this poem I wrote for my soulmate:

Love Conquers

As we travel through this life
the wind whips strongly at our side
Sometimes we are scared by the actions of others
sometimes by what we were taught to be truth

We have moments of tenderness
but memories of pain
share feelings of lost happiness
and feel we've made little gain

But I believe in my soul
Believe in the words of the wise
That from the darkest memories
a whole man can arise.

I know that I can now stand strong
Feeling wind or storm or fright
because I have truly learned
to Love with all my might!

So when I am in doubt
When overwhelmed by fear
I simply look at you
My honest, truthful mirror.

You see, when I am in need
the words of wise I heed.
And all is made quite clear
How love conquers, ALL.

I trust that you all find peace in your heart. Grow from your life experiences.
I am a grateful man today for I am blessed beyond explanation.
Never lose what you could learn today!
Wooferspup

Holiday Memories

2006-01-06T01:16:00.000-08:00

What a year... 2005. It will go down in my books as one the best ones yet. For myself, it was filled with spiritual growth( as well as a bit of physical growth around the waist I was not looking for-LOL) and many new adventures. I have come a long way. Worked through some things that I needed to let go of, and faced things I did not even know I would have to. Things that no one should ever have to face. But through these we grow!

Holidays were exciting for me this year. I've always loved Christmas, but this one was special. Sharing with friends and loved ones was different. My partner did such a great job of including me in the family events. They have for years, practiced "Advent" on the four Sundays leading up to Christmas. A time to hear parts of the Christmas story, share Christmas memories, sing carols and enjoy great food together. It was so special. Each time I felt overwhelmed with emotion, sometimes tears, sometimes laughter. I realized through this occasion how much I missed at Christmas grown up. We were never allowed to have a tree, and only allowed to follow traditions that were approved by the church. Even then, there was no time for it. Our lives absorbed in farm work.

Also this year I drew names with my partner's family for the "12 Days of Christmas". Oddly enough I got his wife's name. At first I was not sure that would be the best scenario, but it turned out to be wonderful. It gave me a better opportunity to get to know more about her. So we each gave a wish list and then for the days leading up to Christmas, we got a gift each day. It was so much fun. And I got great gifts... Even my favorite Coconut cream pie! It was like having 12 Christmas!

Also my partner bought us advent calendars to share. Tiny wooden boxes with 25 doors to hide little treasures in. So each day there was a surprise waiting with a message that warmed my heart. Each morning, I'd go open the little door for that day, and smile... Or cry tears of joy at what was waiting inside. Each day making me realize what a beautiful man I have come to love. This Christmas was truly blessed!

Some emotion came in dealing with my kids schedules. They are teens now and very involved in their church and school activities. I was disappointed to not have them for several days over the Christmas break, but nevertheless we made my family holiday time for new years. Of course I always had nice gifts at Christmas, so I always work hard at making my kids holiday feel special. I tend to go overboard with my kids, but they are very grateful and appreciate what I do. We Gathered on New Years Eve, and exchanged gifts. The kids faces were glowing as they unwrapped each package. I loved seeing the excitement on their faces.

Oddly enough the prize gift for my son was the multi-colored stockin hat that I almost decided to not give him, thinking he'd not care for it. This after getting Electronic Drums. And my daughter, went wild over the new purse from my partner and his family. Her's after a digital camera... So you just never know. The simplest things can mean the most. I got a photo scrapbook of childhood events, filled with pictures of me at varying ages of childhood. It is very awesome. Even a photo of myself in the tiny rocking chair that I still have to this day.

Something in these photos brought back memories of things that were not pleasant. More of the stages I have been progressing through over this year. But as I saw the pictures flash through my mind, felt the feelings attached to them, it was relieving. Painful, yet as if weights were being lifted from me. Or as if missing pieces of myself, my own puzzle were now in place. So as I think through them these bring a sense of wholeness. A being more complete. Not without emotion, but cleansing in its movement, as water washes dirt from the rocks.

My work has been exciting this year. Building my business. I have learned a lot. And I trust those lessons will thrust me forward in the progression of new business. It is sometimes a struggle to be self-employed. Seems you are rowing upstream all alone at times. But I know that I have great support. And I am so grateful for all that has been done to help me along the way. My partner is a rock for me! He makes me stop and look at things from and outside angle when I am overwhelmed from the inner perspective of carrying the load.

I am so excited about a new adventure that has begun. I have always wanted to do Artwork. Have had many ideas in my head for years. With my partners encouragement, I did my first piece for a fundraiser this year. It sold, and I was very proud. We had so much fun creating the pieces we did for the fundraiser. It has fueled emotions, dreams and discussions. From my partner for Christmas, I received the most amazing Art set you can imagine. A roll-around caddy for carrying all the supplies, with every thing from paints and charcoal, to brushes and watercolors. A dream of mine... Realized! My imagination runs wild!

We had a "White Trash" Christmas gathering at my place. Just a few friends for silly snack foods and a funny gift exchange. I got the "fiber optic Bonzai tree", its a real showpiece for your home! HEEHEE! Great fun was had.. And many great drinks were shared! Along with good-hearted fun poked at my "pink" Christmas tree. This party was where I received worlds greatest house pet. ROBO Rover, the mechanical dog. It's what all apartment dwellers should have... You can turn it off!!!

I am grateful this year more than ever before. I have so much to be thankful for. My beautiful children, my soulmate, friends who are wonderful and so many more things...
I trust that each of us take something away from 2005 with us that will make us a better person as we travel through this journey called life!
Much love! AL

Movie Review

2006-01-05T21:07:00.000-08:00

A-
After all the hype, I was wondering what this might turn out to be. And after reading the short-story I was even more intrigued. Having grown up on a ranch, I knew all too well the expected "code of ethic" that a man is measured by. There is no room for emotion. There is no time for frivolous dreams, just hard, dirty work.
Oh yes, there are good times, with family or friends. But the chores always took the numero uno spot!

I was a bit disappointed by the film, in that the emotion in the original story was about two men struggling to be who they were expected to be, versus who they wanted to be. In the film, we see a lot of focus on the emotion attached to their respective wives. (IE: The sobbing wife peering out the window to see her husband leaving on a fishing trip with his buddy.) That was not in the book! So I guess I was a bit turned off by the attention given to that particular part of the story, instead of focusing on the pain suffered by the two men whom the story was really about.

If you were going to see soft porn and get turned on by two men gettin it on... well that was not really part of the scene either. You see, like many of us, these guys were taught that lookin at another man, touching another man, and for certain having sex with another man was "the Devil's work"! The way they chose to depict this in the film was fair, but lacked the emotion it could have shown.

Overall, the story is sad. And they did a great job of displaying that sadness. I just wish there was a film maker out there with the balls to make a film where the guys end up happy. Where no one has to die beat to death with a tire iron for being GAY or BI.

The overall lesson from this film I beleive is... Don't live your life in fear! Don't let life pass you by... when love is standing at your door!!

Experience

2005-12-06T22:54:00.000-08:00

The only love which has lasted
is the love which has everything.
Every Disappointment, every failure,
which has accepted the fact that
in the end there is no desire
so deep
as the simple desire for
being with each other.
Author Graham Greene

Worry not about who, when, where, why...
Work on being honest...
with self, and with others...
For in honesty, real truth
Comes the strongest love
The love of a lifetime!

AL

Thanksgiving

2005-11-28T21:03:00.000-08:00

thanks·giv·ing ( P ) Pronunciation Key (thngks-gvng)
n.
An act of giving thanks; an expression of gratitude, especially to God: a hymn of thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving- Thanksgiving Day.

What does it mean to you?
My list goes something like this...
I am thankful for my children, my partner, my health
for a job/career that I enjoy
for family and friends that love me.
This list could go on forever...

I am eternally grateful that my soul found its mate. Such peace is not something I have been accustomed to in my life.

Some beleive in destiny
Some beleive in fate
I beleive that happiness
Is something we create

Coming from a cult-like, abusive and traumatic past;
I beleive we must face our fears.
I have learned much about myself in the past 2 years.
A spiritual awakening so-to-speak.
Growing up into learning our sexual experiences, our relationship experiences,and our money making/spending experiences is natural.
Being called to those by trauma is NOT OK!

This leads me to a part of my evolution as a man that makes me beleive...
I owe it first to myself, to my children, and my partner to
LIVE! LIVE! LIVE! above my past.
Sure it will always be a part of the fabric that makes up who I am. So I cannot cut it away... or throw it out. But, I can let the beautiful colors of happiness shine so bright that those tattered yarns of the past fade into the background.

Fulfillment is an amzing thing. It allows everyone to see the real me. But more inmportantly, it allows ME to see the real me. Thus allowing me to love myself. Past, present and future!
By loving myself, I am blessed, and able to bless those around me.
Able to lift the heart of a fellow man who is going through the not-so-great times of his or her life.
How can I love someone as they should be loved, without first loving myself?

Perhaps it would do us all good to start a gratitude journal. Where each day we must list at least 3 things we are grateful for. I know from experience that it makes me focus on the things that should be a priority, instead of wallowing in the thoughts of things that were ugly or out of my control.

Having said all of this, I am thankful for my life as it is today.
For in this experience there is a lesson, that will guide me forward in my evolution of mind, body and soul.

Giving Thanks Always
AL

Life as we know it...

2005-10-24T22:30:00.000-07:00

A trip to New Orleans, LA was very moving... I now have a clear understanding of how people's lives can be completely wiped away by a natural disaster.

An entire city has been devastated. Thankfully the French Quarter has survived with mostly some wind damage. So the culture of Mardi Gras can live on. I was releaved to see life moving, and flowing in that part of the city. Signs hang from balconies saying " Proud to be Home".
The downtown desolate from absense of life. Military vehicles lumber slowly along reminding you of a third world war scene. Military men patrol chain link fences with guns slug over their shoulders. Cars caved in from debris haven fallen crushin them beneath is weight. Glass missin from large parts of tall towers. And even more disturbing the stores that survived with less damaged.. doors boarded from where they were looted. Proof that in times of panic, people will do anything to survive.

We drove through areas that were miles and miles long. Dead grass, dead trees, sludge lines making their dark lines on the houses, buildings and cars. Windows broken, curtains whip in the wind... cars covered in a salty layer. some washed against houses and buildings, other parked in the drive of thier respective homes. Medians parked full of cars where owners thought they would be safe away from storm sewers and off the street. Broken trees jutting through rooftops. Old, beautiful buildings scared with ugly lines. Bright painted numbers on the door or near it reflect numbers of lives lost in that home, water height, even listing a dog, a cat. The contrasting paint looking like a sore with the scab ripped off, or some marking that makes this spot a "labeled part" of the horror.

You come to a stoplight.. that once turned red, yellow, green... now dead. On your right... Mcdonalds sits empty, the sign shattered across the parking lot, the doors to the kitchen swing open in the breeze. Dark lines mark the windows where water reached 6 or 8 feet high. On the left the Walgreen's drug store has plywood over the doors. A truck parked across the sidewalk, as if someone was racing for a safe place, left the door hanging open.. now corroding as salt eats its finish. The opposite corner a Pet Clinic, doors ripped off with large numbers in hot pink painted on the glass. And finally the last corner... A car lot full of once new cars, that seem to be frozen in a dusted state like an old statue, or a dust storm has coated them over. The stench coming from the street drain lets you know the dark pipes below became the final resting place of something that once lived and breathed.

Up the road a hotel towers above the horizon. Windows shattered out, drapes hanging drearily in open air. The sign missin letters... deserted vans parked under the entry canopy, the valet carts lay strewn out into the gutters. Empty streets as far as the eye can see... No dogs, stray cats or even birds in the brown crusted trees.
It's as if a bomb took all life in one swift motion.

Restaurants where the power has been restored have lines out the doors. The wait staff behind the counter look exhausted. Shortened hours have them closing at dark, for fear they will be robbed and looted. Or from lack of help to run the place. Every business with power boasts a sign " Now Hiring". Some of the people you see who appear to be locals seem in a trance.
They pack their cars, trucks and the occasional u-haul with salvaged parts of their lives and head north on I-10. Other locals proclaim thier pride and intention of rebuilding.

As you tour the city.. a eeriness creeps over you. As if there is a dampness that broods on you.
Realization strikes as you see people piling what once was their prized possessions by the curb to be hauled away. "This city may never fully return to its previous greatness." Yet one site of the swinging hammer makes you want to jump in and help. One tiny flower blooming makes you want to rush to it, washing it with clear water. Hope! That Life will return!

GOD BLESS ALL... who return and rebuild!

Age perspective...

2005-10-24T19:31:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks have given a few reminders of life's lessons. Or maybe I have learned a lot in the last few weeks. I hope to be able to record some of that here.

On the 12th of October, my son turned 13. Perspective on age~~My youngest is now a teen. It was awesome to go see them. To share in their activities. Went to see my 14 yr old daughter march in high school band. She surprised me by hookin her arm thru mine at the ball field and introducing me to all her friends. "This is my Dad from Dallas!" It felt really good. She will soon be 15 and looks 17 or 18. Scary... She has a boyfriend now. He is 16. My first thought it to panic, but then I think.. I had a girlfriend at that age.

My son is all boy, and enjoys sports. Knows more about them than I ever will. He is in band as well, a drummer. His party was interesting to say the least. With his mom and stepdad there as well as friends. His stepdad plays football with him, takes him to games. I saved the day by takin the cake, ice cream, and papergoods and gave him cash for buying what he wants. It felt really good to have my partner with me. The kids are totally laid back about it, and love the man who loves me. He is so good with the kids!! Great memories were made!

Goin to my parents was an experience for my partner. He'd met my mom, but had not seen their home. An eclectic mix of antiques, family heirlooms, and collectables. It looks more like a country store on the interior than a house. Dad did not make an appearance, his health is not good. And there seems to be issues with his medication. Mom cooked a great sunday lunch and sent us home with leftovers. Thank God I have a southern mom! Although that does not help my expanding waistline.

The time on the road spent writing about "us", my partner and I. Talkin over hopes, fears, dreams that we share. Growth occurs from honesty and I am loving the growth we are seeing in our lives. So with the age perspective.. with aging... comes knowledge. I want to absorb as much of it as I can and apply it to my daily life so I do not repeat the mistakes of the past, but move forward across this bridge called "Life". I am grateful for the ones I love and that they love me in return.

Considerations

2005-09-13T22:01:00.000-07:00

So you are asked to take an assignment. Its about half done or more... And you oblige with gusto. The challenge begins, its exciting, and progress is occuring. There are many mistakes to fix... balance is required to decide what to fix, what to let go.. and what to ignore.
I think the agonzing over fine details sometimes pay off. But then when something is messed up to begin with.. how to fix it? And if your best at fixing it still doesn't please anyone.. then what's the use...
Runnin in circles makes one tired... not getting any positive response makes one less likely to push for success. The mind becomes stale after not having anything but overload.
We all struggle with what stilulates us.
The mind demands rest!
The day is a long one...
AL

First Blog

2005-09-08T20:33:00.000-07:00

So this is what the whole world has been raving about. Blog this, Blog that... "Did you see Brother Boy's Blog?" The things they think of to talk about in the Mental Institution...
Sounds a bit like all of our lives except most of us run around proclaiming "we're Normal" HMMM... wonder what that means?
Anyway.. So now I'm part of the rest of society where I can post my life's catastrophes, greatest accomplishments, and embarrassing moments!
Look out world!
Get your ears/eyes ready!!!
Wooferspup